Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers
by Crack God
Summary: After Sasuke and Naruto go to train together, Sakura feels lonely and is taken to see them. But then all of the ninja are forced to participate in a group competition inside a mansion. With disturbing things happening every day, will they survive?
1. Lee did it

The Perverted Sensei, the Bug-Eyed, and the Black-Haired Uchiha

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Chapter One

A young 16-year-old, emerald-eyed, pink-haired kunoichi gazed out of the open window in her room. The sky rippled in shades of oranges and burgundies as the golden sun set, part of it already hiding behind the horizon.

The girl's one true love, and also her other teammate, had left the Village Hidden in the Leaves earlier that day. They both had left to hone their ninja skills and to train with each other. Unfortunately, her perverted sensei had not left with them- the perverted sensei that would occasionally pop out of no where into Sakura's room (one time when she was changing her clothes) and would always claim that it was a simple accident.

_That perverted bastard of a sensei! _ Inner Sakura yelled in rage. _One of these days I'm going to murder Kakashi and find a new sensei! I mean, just because Sasuke left doesn't mean that I'm going to fall for the very next guy I see! Cha!!_

Ploing!! With a puff of smoke a ninja with silver hair and a mask that covered part of his face sprang into Sakura's room. _Darn it!! _Kakashi thought to himself. _She's not changing her clothes again. But just look at that angry face. I'm in luck; she must be having her period again!_

"KAKASHI SENSEI!!" Sakura screeched at the top of her lungs. "I'M GONA KILL YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOU PERVERT!"

"So I was right," Kakashi said aloud. "It definitely seems that you really are having your period." 

Sakura cracked her fingers, then clenched her hand into a fist. She swung her arm into an uppercut so hard that her sensei rocketed into the wall, causing it to crack. 

"One: You're GOING TO LEAVE ME ALONE FOREVER. TWO: YOU'RE GOING TO STOP BEING A PERVERTED ASS," Sakura shouted. "AND THREE: YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THE WALL THAT YOUR BODY WAS EVER SO CARELESS ENOUGH TO CRACK. IF YOU DON'T DO ANY ONE OF THOSE THINGS I'M GOING TO SLIT YOUR THROAT WITH A SHURIKEN, THROW YOUR DEAD, LIFELESS BODY INTO THE RIVER, AND SAY THAT ROCK LEE DID ALL! GOT IT?" 

"Yes, of course," Kakashi pleaded for his life like a pathetic little wimp. "But since when did you have anything against Lee?"

"GET OUT NOW!" Sakura roared like a tiger.

"Okay, okay, okay! Just don't hurt me any more," Kakashi exclaimed, then left with another puff of smoke. 

Within the next thirty seconds Sakura could hear that someone was climbing up on her house, probably about to jump in through her window. _That damn sensei! When will he learn that I'm serious! Well possibly after his death finally arrives… _Inner Sakura trailed on. 

The kunoichi walked over to her window, her eyes closed in irritation. She raised her fist, ready to pummel the one and only, perverted sensei, Kakashi. Right when the person had reached the window her fist flew and launched into the ninja's face.

"So it is true," a new voice said in a painful tone. "You really do have something against me and my youthfulness."

Startled, Sakura opened her eyes and saw a boy ninja that wore a green jumpsuit, had a soup-bowl haircut, bug-eyes, bushy eyebrows, and Sakura's fist in his face. It was Rock Lee.

" Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought that you were Kakashi sensei," Sakura apologized, moving her fist back to her side. " And where did you get that crazy idea that I had something against you?"

"Well, you were yelling so loud a minute ago that half the village could hear you. I even heard the part when you said that you would kill Kakashi and blame the whole thing on me," Rock Lee admitted. "So, what do you have against me?"

"Well, umm," Sakura choked. What should she say? Should she be honest, or lie like she usually did. She fought a battle with Inner Sakura and managed to decide to be honest to Lee. "Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes people think that you know… that you're gay." 

"Of course I am happy, joyful, merry, glad, and youthful," Lee answered. "Why wouldn't I be glad?"

"No, I mean the other kind of gay," Sakura replied. Being honest was harder than what she thought it would be. "I meant the kind of gay where you like guys."

"Of course I like Gai sensei," Lee said in response. "Why wouldn't I like my own sensei? He and I are filled with so much youthfulness."

"No, I don't mean Gai sensei," Sakura shook her head. "I mean like, or loving, other guys, as in other boys, in a kinda sexual way."

Lee's face looked like a barrage of bullets had hit it, but that might have just been from Sakura's fist earlier. " I'm truly, truly shocked that you, of all people, would say such a disgraceful, heartbreaking thing about me," Rock Lee spoke, tears flowing down his face. "For the one and only one that I love is you, my cherry blossomed Sakura. And that love will never die out of my youthful heart no matter how many tears I shed upon my fiery youthfulness."

That's the end of chapter one. It's a little sappier than what I would have liked, but such is life. I hope that the next chapter will be longer than this one, and based more on humor over romance.(This is my first story on fanfiction, so that is why it's so short.) 


	2. Little Red Drops

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Chapter Two (chapter 2)

By: Crack God (used to be Aoshi Master of the Kodachi)

So Far: Sasuke and Naruto left the village to train. Kakashi is super perverted and pops into Sakura's room for his perverted reasons. Sakura gets really mad and yells that she will kill her sensei and blame it on Rock Lee. Kakashi leaves only to have Lee show up. Then things got sappy. 

There was a moment's silence between the pink-haired Sakura and the bug-eyed, bushy-browed Rock Lee. The wind swept pass them as the last golden rays from the sun dissipated into the sky as night came to be. 

"I, I, I really don't know what to say," Sakura stuttered. "I guess I should apologize, so I'm sorry, Lee." 

_What is he thinking, trying to make a move on me? Cha!! The only man I'll ever like is Sasuke, so just forget about me bug-eyes! _Inner Sakura mouthed off. _Besides, why the hell would I want to go out with a freak like you?_

_Cha!_

The tears of youthfulness dried off on Rock Lee's face. He smiled and that glint of that on his teeth made that 'ping' kind of sound. The sunset mysteriously appeared, or reappeared, in this case, like in the anime T.V. show. 

"Sakura," Lee spoke. "Will you please be my youthful cherry blossom girlfr-?" 

Lee's fingers slipped off of Sakura's window and he tumbled down into a heaping mess of thorny rose bushes that were growing around the young kunoichi's house. 

"The pain," Lee groaned. "I can feel the youthfulness being sucked out of my youthful body. My sweet, sweet cherry blossoms have turned into desolate, painful roses. Alas, my poor youthful self. When shall life turn directions and finally treat me like everyone else?" 

"Lee, are you all right?" Sakura asked the figure in her rose bushes, now with the mysterious sunset gone. _Cha! That freak finally got what every freak deserves! _ Inner Sakura yelled in joy. _That's what bushy-browed ass holes get when they make a move on me when my true love, Sasuke, is gone. Cha!_

"Oh no! My Lee!" Gai sensei's voice echoed across the street. "What happened, Lee? Speak to me, my boy! Speak to me!!" 

Sakura darted from her window so that Gai would not be able to see her. It was figured that whenever Lee was hurt that his sensei's ' Lee Senses ' would be tingling. _Wait, if Rock Lee is straight then why is he ALWAYS emotional with Gai? _Sakura (not Inner Sakura) thought to herself. _And why does Lee dress EXACTLY like Gai. Well, I guess I don't have anything better to do tomorrow since Sasuke left, so tomorrow I'm going to spy on Gai and Lee to see what's up. Anyway, if I find out anything about Lee's ninja abilities I can tell Sasuke about them. Then he'll use my information to beat Rock Lee in a fight, and ultimately ending it by asking me out. YES!! It's the perfect plan!_

"Lee! Oh no, you're unconscious!" Gai sensei panicked. "We have to hasten to the hospital or your very youthfulness will be at risk!"

"Gai, Gai sensei," Lee managed to say. "I, I apologize for being such a large burden to you, sensei."

"Lee! You're conscious!" Gai exclaimed in joy. "We shall hurry to the hospital quickly or else your precious youthfulness will be ruined." 

Gai picked up his battered pupil and sprinted off to get some medical help for his student. (I think that he should have also gotten some mental help for the both of them, but that would've ruined the story and destroyed part of the humor.)

It was eight o'clock a.m. the next morning and Sakura had been in the bathroom for over thirty minutes now. She was supposed to have met up with Kakashi fifteen minutes ago for her next new mission, but she had figured that he would be late yet again. Besides, when it happens it happens. 

Ploing! The perverted sensei popped into Sakura's room with the now familiar puff of smoke. "Sakura," he called out. "You're late for the mission. Oh Sakura, where are you?"

Sakura became silent as if she was in a life or death situation. She covered her mouth with her hand so that Kakashi couldn't hear her breathing. She tried to hold it in, but the last bit of the bloody mess for her period just HAD to come out. Then it hit the water in her toilet and made a slight splash.

Kakashi sensei's ears pricked up. He had heard it. His one and only female pupil was in her bathroom. It was the moment that the pervert had been waiting for since the very moment Sakura was assigned to his squad. But would he dare try today after what happened yesterday? Yet, it was something that he just couldn't resist. It took him five minutes or so to weigh the odds and then he finally made his decision. With two puffs of smoke he disappeared from Sakura's room and appeared in her bathroom. 

"KAKASHI, YOU PERVERT!!" Sakura screamed at the top of her lungs. Luckily for her, and unfortunately for Kakashi, the kunoichi had finished while her perverted sensei was deciding on what to do, she even had enough time to fully cover herself correctly with her clothes. 

Sakura mightily raised her clenched fist and repeatedly hammered her despicable, rude, forgetful, silver-haired, idiotic, and perverted sensei. Just because Sakura was weak on missions didn't mean that she was weak off them- in fact it was very much quite the exact opposite. Her deadly assaults were so fast that the copy-cat ninja didn't even have time to use the substitution jutsu, the shadow clone jutsu, or even his sharingan eye (which had been completely exposed for Kakashi to see every detail of what Sakura was doing and how much she was exposed before he knew that she had already finished).

After far more than a thousand, maybe even a million, blows Kakashi finally got the picture and left with yet another puff of smoke, aiming to go to the hospital. He barely managed to reach its door, which he then tried to open. Unfortunately, he was way too badly injured to do so. Luckily though, ten seconds later Rock Lee opened the door from the inside to exit, his arms and legs wrapped in new bandages. 

"Kakashi! Are you all right? Did the evil, unyouthful being that hurt you also hurt my cherry blossomed Sakura?" Lee bursted into tears. "Who was it? Tell me Kakashi, tell me now! And where is Sakura? Did the being abduct her? Where did they go off to? I MUST save my Sakura!!"

_Now I see why Sakura was going to blame my death on Lee, _Kakashi thought to himself. "No, Lee. Sakura's just fine," the perverted sensei lied. "Just let me into the hospital. Oh, and also could you tell Sakura that I'm here so that she can receive her new mission for the day. I think that she's still at her house."

"Yes sir, of course I will!" Lee exclaimed. "I will be happy to help you and Sakura any day." Then Lee ran off to Sakura's house. 

Kakashi crawled into the hospital and managed to look up a few of the nurses' skirts before they noticed, hit him some more, and finally took him to get medical help. _It's always worth it, _a smug Kakashi thought. _It's ALWAYS worth it. _

Right when Rock Lee was about to knock on Sakura's door, the kunoichi slammed it open while she muttered curses under her breath.

"Hello my lovely, youthful cherry blossom of warm heartiness," Lee joyfully spoke with a smile. 

"What do you want now, Lee?" Sakura angrily demanded in a tone closely resembling a deep growl.

"Nothing really," Lee said as if he was confronting a monster of death and decay. "It's just that … umm, well Kakashi's in the hospital and wants you to come over there to tell you your new mission for today."

"Kakashi can hump his couch for all I care," Sakura replied scornfully as if Lee himself was Kakashi.

"What's wrong, my youthful companion?" Lee questioned. 

"MY SENSEI IS AN IDIOTIC PERVERT WITH NO LIFE WHAT SO EVER!" Sakura roared. 

Lee hastily ran away in a way that Naruto would have if he was in this scary situation. _Okay, I'll go to the hospital, my dear friend, _Inner Sakura plotted in an almost, but not quite, sarcastic tone. _But instead of getting my mission, I'm going to kill Kakashi and blame it on you, Rock Lee. Cha! _

Sakura stomped all the way to the hospital. When she reached its door she pulled it off its hinges and went inside. Her eyes glowed red as she searched for Kakashi. Eventually she found him in a room labeled 'critical condition.'

The copy-cat ninja turned his head and spoke, "Oh, hello Sakura. Today your mission is-" He stopped as Sakura kicked his head, which was literally the only part of his body that was not covered in bandages. 

"Fine then, be that way," Kakashi smirked like a seven year old child. "You just won't get your very first 'A' ranked mission."

"A RANK!!" Sakura screamed like a giddy little schoolgirl. "Do you really mean it, Kakashi? Yeah! My first mission as a jounin!"

"Yes, but anyway," Kakashi smiled, "the mission is to spy on Gai sensei and his squad. If you manage to pull it off for the whole day without getting caught I'll take you to see Naruto and Sasuke."

Alas, the second chapter is at its end. I hope you enjoyed the story so far. Please review so I can see your comments and please wait for the next chapter! (Again, I'm sorry that it's so short.)


	3. A Perverted Jutsu and the Rabbit

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

By: Crack God (used to be Aoshi Master of the Kodachi)

Chapter Three (Chapter 3)

So Far:

Sasuke and Naruto left the village to train. Kakashi is super perverted and pops into Sakura's room for his perverted reasons. Sakura gets really mad and yells that she will kill her sensei and blame it on Rock Lee. Kakashi leaves only to have Lee show up. Then things got sappy.

Lee was about to ask Sakura out, but he fell from her window and had to go to the hospital. The next morning, Kakashi popped into Sakura's bathroom right after she had her period. Sakura beats him up, so he too has to go to the hospital. Then the konoichi gets her next mission, a mission that has meeting Sasuke on the line.

* * *

"Do you really mean it, Kakashi?!" Sakura asked her sensei in an excited tone.

"Of course," Kakashi sensei simply replied. "But if Gai, Neji, Tenten, or Rock Lee spot you while you're spying on them you will fail the mission. What I want you to do is to find out Gai's training methods to see if we're training harder than they are or not. But keep in mind that this is an 'A' ranked mission and it won't be easy. You'll definitely need to use your sneakiest jutsus if you plan on passing this mission."

"So if I get caught I automatically fail, right?" Sakura questioned in an eager yet worried tone.

"Not necessarily. If you get caught you will have to defeat Gai and all of his students in a fight, you against all three of them at once. If you manage to win the fight you'll pass and if you lose you fail. However, I strongly suggest you to be extra careful because the odds of you winning against all four of them is extremely slim, almost like finding a needle in a haystack," Kakashi answered. "I already informed Gai that you'll be spying on him for an important mission. But the thing is that he doesn't know when or where you'll show up."

"But, at the same time, if I pass you will definitely take me to see Sasuke, right sensei?" Sakura blushed.

_There is no way in hell that I'm going to miss an opportunity to see Sasuke! Cha! I'm going to pass the mission no matter what it takes! I don't care if I even have to KILL Rock Lee, as long as I pass. Cha!! _Inner Sakura exclaimed in a joyful rage.

"Correct," Kakashi stated. "I'll give you an hour from now to learn any new jutsus that you think you'll need. The mission is over at five o'clock this evening, so keep that in mind."

"All right," said Sakura. "See you later, Kakashi Sensei."

With that Sakura darted out of the room. Her feet skidded across the slippery floors in the hospital. She leapt out the exit, but tripped and fell over the door that she had pulled down earlier. She sprang back up and sprinted towards the village's library, clouds of dust munching away at her heals.

Sakura squirmed through the crowds of people in the streets. She slithered amongst the villagers until she finally reached the library. She entered to find that it was pretty much vacant except for only one, two, maybe three other people.

The kunoichi paced herself over to the 'ninja' section, which was towards the back of the library. She pulled out a dusty red book from the bookshelf that was entitled 'Advanced Jutsus for Jounin Missions'. _This is great! _Sakura exclaimed in her head. _I should find the perfect jutsu for my mission in this book. _However, If Sakura had read the label towards the bottom of the book's cover she probably would have torn it into a million pieces and if she read who the author was she would have burned down the whole library. For the label read 'jutsus inside may cause you to feel sexually uncomfortable. Ninjas, especially kunoichis, that hate perverts should NOT read this book or perform the complex and powerful jutsus inside this book.' And on top of that the author was none other than Kakashi.

Sakura randomly flipped the book open to page eighty-seven. The heading read 'Transparent Concealment Jutsu' and the sub-heading read 'Only for Kunoichi'. Then Sakura read on, ignoring the illustration that showed how to perform the jutsu.

She read: Using your left hand, point your middle finger straight up. After exactly three seconds also raise your index finger and place the edge of your thumb at the base of your middle finger. Using your right hand place your other index finger into the air. Right after two seconds turn your right hand into a flat position, then place it over your left breast. Squeeze your left breast to activate the transparent concealment jutsu. The jutsu will make your body completely transparent and will completely mask all noises you make as well as your smell.

_What the hell!_ Inner Sakura gasped. _What in hell kind of jutsu is this? Cha! If perverted shit was in something like this there should have been a warning label on the cover or something. And who is the author anyway? There's no way that I'm going to squeeze my left breast for a freakin' jutsu! Cha!!_

_But I only have another half an hour left to prepare for the mission!_ Sakura, not Inner Sakura, thought. _I'll just have to take the damn jutsu. After all, its effect is just what I need for the mission. I'll just have to practice it until I get it. And if I have enough time afterwards I'll practice some different jutsus. _

Sakura flicked off the nearby books (using her middle finger) with her left hand. Three seconds later she also raised her index finger on her left hand and rose her left thumb so that it barely touched the base of her left middle finger. Then she raised her index finger on her right hand into the air. After two seconds she flattened her right hand. Finally, she placed her right hand over her left breast and then, well, squeezed.

A slight haze of mist covered Sakura's entire body. Instantly she turned transparent. However, five seconds later the jutsu failed. _Argh! _Sakura thought to herself. _I trusted this stupid book, and yet it repays me by this! But, in the same way, if I want to see Sasuke again I HAVE to pass the mission, no matter how……… disturbing the jutsu is. I'll just have to try it again and again until I finally get it._

The kunoichi repeated the bizarre and perverted hand signals for the jutsu. This time the jutsu lasted for eight seconds until Sakura expanded, then slowly deflated back to normal.

"Again," Sakura said aloud while she repeated the hand signals for the jutsu another time.

This time the teen-aged girl became completely invisible, but a strong and disgusting odor that resembled a mix between rotten eggs and a nearly deadly fart from a constipated cow released into the entire room. She quickly canceled the jutsu.

Tick………. Tick………. Tick………. Click………. Tick………. Tick……….. Tick………. The old fashioned, non-digital, clock in the library ticked annoyingly. The kunoichi with emerald eyes only had four measly minutes until her big 'A' ranked mission officially started.

_Okay, this is my last shot_ Sakura thought in her aching head. _If this try fails then I'll have to go into the mission without it. Remember, Sakura, this entire mission is for Sasuke. _

The pink-haired kunoichi performed the jutsu's hand signals for the final time in the library. She thought about Sasuke and how badly she missed him. Then a cloud-like mist glazed over her body, as she became completely transparent. Sakura waited a moment. Nothing happened; the effects from the jutsu didn't wear off or produce a nasty smell. Sakura had mastered the Transparent Concealment Jutsu!

The girl quickly canceled her newly learned jutsu. She darted out of the library with only two minutes to spare. Now the question was where were Gai, Lee, Tenten, and Neji.

Sakura sprinted into the road, but she accidentally ran into Shikamaru. "Sorry," Sakura apologized. "I'm in a hurry, so would you happen to know where Gai and his students are?"

"Umm, I think that they went to go train near the forest," a confused Shikamaru replied.

"Thanks," Sakura said in response, then hurried towards the forest.

_What's up with Sakura today? _Shikamaru thought to himself. _She's normally extremely angry with everyone except Sasuke, so why is she acting kinda nice today? I guess she probably just got over her period or something._

Once Sakura reached the edge of the forest she could hear Gai's voice. "Okay, my youthful students," Gai sensei spoke. "Today you are going to be practicing your meditation skills. Now which one of you can tell me why we meditate."

"Ohh, oh!" Rock Lee excitingly said while jumping up and down, his hand raised in the air. "Pick me, pick me!"

"All right, Lee, why do I have all three of you meditate?" Gai sensei asked with an almost creepy smile.

"You have us meditate to preserve and possibly enhance our wonderful youthfulness!" Lee boomed the answer out of his mouth.

"Correct, my pupil whom in which is full of youth," Gai replied in response. "Now I want all three of you- Tenten, Lee, and Neji- to start your meditation now. I'll make sure that nobody is spying on your meditation skills."

_Oh, great! _Sakura sarcastically said in her head._ Gai's already on patrol, looking for me. I just have to remember that seeing Sasuke is at stake here. If I remember that and my new jutsu I should be fine, and I won't even have to take the chance of fighting anyone in a battle. _

Sakura silently crept into a nearby tree painstakingly slowly so that she wouldn't make a sound. Chakra was to precious to waste in a time like this, so she would wait to use the jutsu until she needed it. Then she hid within the leaves, finding a perfect spot for spying.

Immediately, Gai sensei turned to look at the tree Sakura was in. Then he started to walk towards it. Sakura's instincts forced her to start the hand signals for the transparent concealment jutsu. But, before she could activate it with the left breast squeeze she saw that Gai was only petting a brown wild rabbit at the very base of the tree.

_Since when did Gai sensei like rabbits? _Sakura asked herself. _But then again, what if the rabbit isn't a rabbit? What if it's just Neji transformed as a rabbit, and the Neji meditating is just a big fake, and Gai is telling him where I'm at? But then who is the rabbit? Oh no! What if I'm the rabbit just disguised as myself? _Now Sakura had a really bad headache. _But if I'm the rabbit then who is me? And how can Neji and I both be the rabbit at the same time? And who would Gai sensei be? Okay, Neji is the rabbit, and the rabbit is me. That means that I must be Gai, therefore making Gai into Neji, right? Wait! The rabbit is Neji, Neji is Gai, and I'm the rabbit while at the same time the rabbit is me! _

Sakura thought about the rabbit for a LONG, LONG, LONG, and SUPER LONG time until the time was half past four o'clock in the afternoon. By now the kunoichi had an enormous headache. Tenten and Lee had stopped meditating for a few minutes now, but Neji hadn't stopped yet.

"Tenten, Lee," Gai sensei spoke, now with the rabbit in his arms. "I want you both to climb a tree while holding this youthful wittle-little bunny. But the catch is that you can't talk to the cute wittle-little bunny during the whole time."

"But, Gai sensei!" Lee protested. "That's impossible not to talk to an animal with such great youthfulness!"

"I know it will be hard, Lee," Gai spoke, tears washing over his face. "But you must be able to overcome any challenge to be a truly great ninja that is bursting with youthfulness. Tenten, you can go first."

Gai put the rabbit in his female student's arms. Then Tenten walked towards a tree far away from the one that Sakura was in. In a spit second she climbed the tree while carrying the rabbit, without talking to it, and jumped back down to Gai.

"Tenten!" Gai exclaimed. "Where did you learn to control yourself around youthful animals like that?"

"I guess I'm just focused," Tenten sort of lied. She didn't have the heart to tell Lee and Gai that any normal person could have easily performed that task. (lol, any normal person)

Next, Gai gave the rabbit to Rock Lee. He then walked over to the tree that Sakura was in and instantly talked to the rabbit, "You're such a cute wittle-little bunny! Yes you are, yes you are!"

Hurriedly, Sakura performed the hand signals for the transparent concealment jutsu and activated it by squeezing her left breast with her right hand. She watched as Lee climbed the tree, but every time he spoke to the bunny and would have to start over again.

As soon as the kunoichi's watch tuned to five o'clock, Sakura bolted down the tree and headed for the hospital. After she was fairly far away from the forest, she canceled the jutsu to save her chakra. She had actually passed her 'A' ranked mission!

* * *

Well, that's the end of chapter three. I would like to use this space to apologize to the people I told that this chapter was going to be posted Friday, March 10th 2006. I was unable to post this at that time because my parents were around all day, and I'm only 13 so if they caught me writing this I'd be grounded for life. Anyway, thanks for reading and please review!


	4. Poor Kakashi

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

By: Crack God (used to be Aoshi Master of the Kodachi)

So Far:

Chapter 1: Sasuke and Naruto left the village to train. Kakashi is super perverted and pops into Sakura's room for his perverted reasons. Sakura gets really mad and yells that she will kill her sensei and blame it on Rock Lee. Kakashi leaves only to have Lee show up. Then things got sappy.

Chapter 2: Lee was about to ask Sakura out, but he fell from her window and had to go to the hospital. The next morning, Kakashi popped into Sakura's bathroom right after she had her period. Sakura beats him up, so he too has to go to the hospital. Then the kunoichi gets her next mission, a mission that has meeting Sasuke on the line.

Chapter 3: Sakura visits the library and learns a perverted jutsu (for her mission; which is to spy on Gai and his students) inside a book that was written by Kakashi himself, although she didn't know whom the author was. Then the kunoichi starts her new mission. Oddly, when she sees a rabbit while spying on Gai and his students she gets so confused she can't even think straight. Luckily, she managed to pass the mission without being caught.

* * *

Chapter Four

Okay, just to let you know, this chapter is action and humor, so if you are reading this just for humor you should skip to the Sakura and Kakashi part, which should be marked by the line break thing-majig. Sorry to those who just read for the romance and humor, but I thought action might get me some more reviews. The next chapter will be almost 100 humor and romance. Anyway, on with chapter four!

Rock Lee and Tenten left Gai to go home, but Neji seemed to still be meditating. But then, two minutes after his teammates left, Neji opened his eyes. Then he stood and walked towards his sensei.

"Are you going to tell Kakashi that Sakura was really spotted during her mission?" Neji asked Gai sensei.

"Oh, so you noticed as well," Gai replied. "And not even by using your byakugan eye, impressive. But, then again, you are my star pupil. I guess that I'll let you yourself decide if we should tell Kakashi that we were able to detect Sakura."

"I have no intentions of telling Kakashi that," Neji said coolly. "I still need to test my full strength upon Sasuke Uchiha. And, from what I heard, Kakashi shall take Sakura to see him as long as Kakashi believes that Sakura actually passed this mission. So all I have to do is to follow them in order to fight Sasuke."

"Very well," Gai spoke calmly. "I'll make it a team mission for you, Lee, and Tenten to fight- and defeat- Kakashi's squad. I'll then finally be able to prove to Kakashi that we're stronger than they are. I'll tell Lee and Tenten in the morning."

"Heh, you're actually a pretty decent sensei when you don't ramble on about youthfulness and that kind of stuff," Neji smirked.

"I'll pretend that I didn't hear you say that last remark," Gai sensei said. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Neji." With that, Gai sensei walked of into the mouths of the shadows that were engulfing the area, leaving Neji all alone.

_When I meet up with Sasuke I will send him into an eternal death _Neji thought to himself. _His sharigan eye will be no match for my byakugan eye. I shall teach him the truest meaning of the word 'pain'._

"You're out late, Neji," a cold voice almost hissed out. From out of no where a red-haired boy with wearing a headband from the Village Hidden in the Sand suddenly appeared.

"Gaara!" Neji spat as he turned around to see the ninja. "What the hell do you want?"

"It's useless to try to defeat Sasuke, that is when I kill him first, anyway," Gaara smirked as if he had been reading Neji's mind. "My team just happens to be visiting the island where Sasuke and Naruto are training, and in just a couple days as well, so give up fighting Uchiha."

"Sasuke is stronger and more skilled than you, and I'm better than Sasuke, so if I were you I'd shut up," Neji barked. "Unless you have what it takes to prove me wrong, I suggest that you leave me now."

"If it's a fight you want, I'll gladly accept it," Gaara replied in response. "How do you expect to defeat me if you're not even part of the main branch of the Hyuga clan, and thus you can easily be defeated?"

Now agitated, Neji activated his bloodline trait, the byakugan, and dove in upon an unexpected Gaara with a Hyuga taijutsu palm-strike. In response, Gaara's sand barrier activated, but Neji just sliced through it with a knife hand that also hit his opponent's collarbone. The battle between Gaara from sand and Neji from leaf had begun.

Gaara's sand regrouped, but was only shattered by another one of Neji's palm-strikes. But then the sand smothered and smoldered over Neji's body, trying to suffocate him.

While Neji was trapped, Gaara punched and kicked at his defenseless opponent. "If you give up now I will spare your life," Gaara sneered.

"Why would I do that when I'm winning?" Neji questioned with confidence, now behind Gaara.

Gaara quickly controlled his sand so that it moved away from the area that Neji had just been trapped in. But all what was there was an old log. The Hyuga had simply used the substitution jutsu.

Swiftly, Neji bombarded Gaara's neck with a series of several palm-strikes and knife-hands. However, after the attacks stopped a puff of smoke appeared. Then Gaara and five clones of himself appeared and all threw kunai at Neji. _Shadow clone jutsu! _Neji thought to himself as if he was expecting his enemy to use that jutsu.

The Hyuga boy effortlessly caught all of the kunai with a single hand, while not even injuring himself. He powerfully threw five of them, but kept a single one. All five kunai bolted into the real Gaara's flesh, causing blood to squirt out in several places. Then, with puffs of smoke, Gaara's shadow clones dissipated.

* * *

"Kakashi, they didn't see me!!" Sakura exclaimed the very second she swung the door open to the room inside the hospital that her sensei was inside of.

Sakura's eyes widened, in pure horror (possibly in slight, very slight fascination). This room was definitely not where Kakashi had been the last time she had seen him. This room was the men's bathroom.

The kunoichi hastily exited the men's bathroom and slammed the door shut behind her, hoping that nobody and seen her huge mistake.

"Getting a little curious now huh, Sakura?" Kakashi said, walking out of his real hospital room, facing his female student. All of his wounds had been completely healed, thanks to the science of chakra. "If you really want to know, I will be glad to show you myself."

"KKAAAAAAKASSHHIIIIIII, YOUUUUUUU, PERVERTTT!!" Sakura roared.

"Hey, don't get mad at me. It's not like I'm the one who just went into the bathroom for my own opposite gender," Kakashi sensei calmly replied with a slight smirk underneath his black mask that only covered up approximately half of his whole face.

"It was a freakin' accident!!" Sakura protested, her voice filled with anger. "I thought that it was the room where you were in when you gave me the mission!"

"So what you're saying is that you can't even read a simple sign for a bathroom?" Kakashi sensei questioned.

"I was preoccupied, okay!!" Sakura sat out the words.

"Anyway, past the issue where you can't read, do you want me to show you or not?" Kakashi smugly asked.

"I'M GOING TO KIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Sakura yelled, grabbing a kunai.

The kunoichi darted over to her sensei and repeatingly slashed him with her weapon. _What the hell does he think he's doing!! Cha!! _Inner Sakura exclaimed in mighty fury.

Five minutes later, Kakashi was in a room labeled 'Life Support', the only room in the hospital that meant that the wounds were so severe that they couldn't be healed with chakra. Sakura had definitely gone overboard this time, and that's definitely for sure.

What was even worse was that several nurses had seen Sakura assault Kakashi and now the kunoichi was going to be trialed in the Ninja Court of Law.

* * *

While Gaara's guard was down, Neji pounded the young ninja from sand. Using the Hyuga form of taijutsu, he released even more of his own chakra inside Gaara's body to destroy him from the inside.

Suddenly, sand from all directions surrounded Gaara in numbers at least five times the number than before. Neji tried to break threw the barrier, but the sand was too thick to puncture all the way through. The sand was so thick that Neji's byakugan eye couldn't even see through it.

Neji jumped backwards and prepared to use the sixty-four points of divinity. The yin-yang sign appeared, and then Neji's technique began.

"Two points!" Neji yelled as he swiftly pecked through the thick sand, damaging the sand barrier.

"Four points!" This time the sand barrier was completely demolished, revealing Gaara, who was now surrounded by visible chakra.

"Eight points!" Neji's assaults collided with Gaara, forcing the sand ninja to step back. Between the jabs, Gaara started to gather energy for his new technique.

"Sixteen points!" The Hyuga boy hit Gaara with speeding attacks, all landing without fail. Gaara's technique became completely visible as an orange glow engulfed his right hand with massive amounts of chakra. Gaara's eyes glowed bloodshot red.

"Thirty-two points!" Neji's palm-strikes, knife-hands, and pecks Blasted upon Gaara in the arms and torso. Chakra started to erupt from the sand ninja's right hand. Dust and debree flew amongst the area, but Neji now was using his byakugan eye.

"SIXTY-FOUR POINTS!!" Neji's voice echoed as he performed the final step in the sixty-four points of divinity. Gaara darted forward as he unleashed is almighty powerful technique. The sand and debree cycloned around the two ninja, surrounding both of them.

Shortly afterwards, the cycling wall calmed down. Then within the fading wall the blurred outline of the victor could be seen standing.

* * *

I hoped you liked chapter four! You probably hate me for the ending, but if you continue to read this author's note you'll see why I ended it the way I did. Anyway, since I'm debating with myself for what's going next, I NEED YOU TO REVIEW and tell me what you think should happen next. In fact, I'm going to have all of you readers vote for what you think should happen in a few categories. The following are the main categories that I'd like you to vote on:

What should happen to Kakashi?

What should happen to Sakura? (Ruled innocent or guilty by the judge, doesn't even show up for trial, ect.)

Who should win the fight; Neji or Gaara? (Sorry to those who just read the Sakura and Kakashi part, so if you only read that part you don't have to vote on this category, but if you want to you can.)

I look forward to the results, so please review!


	5. The Rapist Fox and the Cow Sucking Judge

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

By: Crack God (used to be Aoshi Master of the Kodachi)

Chapter Five (Chapter 5)

This chapter is dedicated to: Rolland

Thanks for giving me that fox idea for this chapter, Rolland!

So Far:

Chapter 1: Sasuke and Naruto left the village to train. Kakashi is super perverted and pops into Sakura's room for his perverted reasons. Sakura gets really mad and yells that she will kill her sensei and blame it on Rock Lee. Kakashi leaves only to have Lee show up. Then things got sappy.

Chapter 2: Lee was about to ask Sakura out, but he fell from her window and had to go to the hospital. The next morning, Kakashi popped into Sakura's bathroom right after she had her period. Sakura beats him up, so he too has to go to the hospital. Then the kunoichi gets her next mission, a mission that has meeting Sasuke on the line.

Chapter 3: Sakura visits the library and learns a perverted jutsu (for her mission; which is to spy on Gai and his students) inside a book that was written by Kakashi himself, although she didn't know whom the author was. Then the kunoichi starts her new mission. Oddly, when she sees a rabbit while spying on Gai and his students she gets so confused she can't even think straight. Luckily, she managed to pass the mission without being caught.

Chapter 4: Neji starts planning on how to reach Sasuke in order to fight the Uchiha, when suddenly Gaara appears. Sakura beats up her perverted sensei so badly that Kakashi has to go into the hospital's life support room. Several of the nurses witnessed Sakura almost killing her sensei, and now Sakura has to go to court. Neji and Gaara started to fight, but their skills were nearly equal. To try to finish the fight quickly, Neji uses his sixty-four points of divinity technique, but Gaara also had something up his sleeve and challenges Neji's attack.

Okay, now to get on with the chapter. Before I get into the victor of Neji and Gaara's fight or Sakura's court case, I'd like to take you to the island where Sasuke and Naruto are on. But don't worry, I'll get to those other things in this chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

Night was just starting to peek its face out over a small subtropical island in which Sasuke and Naruto were on. The fox boy had been asleep for the entire day, exhausted from the training he had endured the day before. Sasuke, however, was still training. The Uchiha didn't dare go to sleep for the risk of having _those_ dreams, yes, _those _dreams where…. It's just to disturbing to explain, but I'll try anyway. _Those _dreams were mostly about the emerald-eyed kunoichi paired up with _it_, yes _it_, the freakish ninja who wore that hideous green spandex jumpsuit and that had those huge bug eyes, and that soup-bowl haircut with the bushy eyebrows. Yes, it was just horrible. Every time Sasuke closed his eyes all he could see was Sakura and Rock Lee going to bed together…. Along with Gai sensei!! Even the thought of it was starting to burn Sasuke's eyeballs. (AAAGGH! MY EEEEYYYESS!)

_Just don't think about it, Sasuke. Thinking about it will only cause the pain, _Sasuke thought to himself. _But what if that really is happening right now! But, then why do I even care? It's not as if I like Sakura or anything._

_Don't be thinking that, you know you wish that it was you in her bed right now, _a voice said inside Sasuke's head (inner Sasuke, in which I shall refer to it as of now).

_I don't like Sakura!_

_Yes you do! Now just admit it, or do you really like seeing Lee, Gai, and Sakura__all in the same bed? Huh? _

_No I don't! If Lee and Gai are going to sleep together they don't have to bring Sakura with them!_

_Since you LOVE Sakura so much, why don't you go over to her place, kick Lee and Gai out of her bed, and then sleep with her yourself?_

_Because I don't love Sakura!_

_If you're going to lie to someone, don't lie to me, because I know that you have a boner right now since you're thinking about your girlfriend! OOOOOOOHH! _(…unnecessary info, lol)

_It's not from thinking about her, okay! It's just from… puberty!_

_Puberty? But you already went through that when you were 13, so why would you, being 16 now, be experiencing it again, huh? Like I said, If you're going to lie to someone just don't lie to me!_

_Baka! Just leave me alone!_

The conversation within Sasuke's head lasted for a few more minutes, ultimately ending with Inner Sasuke leaving for the rest of the night.

* * *

The dust had now completely fallen from the battlefield where Gaara and Neji had fought. The winner was clear, Neji was unconscious upon the ground. Gaara had won, but his injuries were severe, and even though he had won, Neji wasn't hurt nearly as bad as Gaara was. Blood soaked into Gaara's clothes, while Neji's chakra had simply been drained by Gaara's attack to the point where he fainted, but the Hyuga had no injuries at all. Gaara's right arm was completely shattered. The bones had been snapped and chakra couldn't flow through it. But, despite these severe injuries, Gaara had beaten Neji in the battle.

* * *

It was now morning on the island, and Sasuke collapsed from frustration of his inner self, which had just come back seconds ago.

Naruto was just waking up, when he felt that something furry was brushing up against his skin. Was it Sasuke's legs? No, Naruto knew that the two had grown to hate each other even more (Also, for all intents and purposes, Naruto also knew that Sasuke had recently shaved his legs). But then what could it be?

Naruto fully opened his eyes. What was before him was a sexy kunoichi named Sakura, her long pink hair touching his shoulders… okay I lied! What really was before Naruto was a beautiful, female fox. (No, not a fox as in a female human, but a fox as in the wild animal that is in the canine family.)

"Umm, hello, Great Nine-tailed Fox Demon," The fox said in fox language, and oddly Naruto could understand it. "The clan of foxes has been reduced to only a few hundred since your downfall, and we have grown weak. If we want the clan of the foxes to survive then we must produce stronger offspring. So the clan sent me to find you, so that we, together, could reproduce and keep the clan alive."

Naruto confusingly gazed at the wild fox. "What does reproduce mean? And what are offspring?"

"Don't play stupid, Great Nine-tailed fox," the wild fox stated.

"I'm serious here," Naruto whined. "And I'm not the nine-tailed fox. Only the spirit of the nine-tailed fox is inside me, believe it!"

The wild fox took a moment to ponder in thought. Then, the fox said, "Just have sex with me so we can restore the fox clan!"

"But I don't know what sex means!" Naruto barked out the words. I mean, how stupid could a sixteen-year-old boy possibly be?

"Just take off your pants and put your penis _in_," the fox said in an annoyed tone.

"What do you mean by _in_?" Naruto questioned.

"You're such a loser!" the fox growled. "I can't believe that the spirit of the Great Nine-tailed Fox had go inside _you_! Just fuck me, dammit!"

The wild fox grabbed Naruto by the heel will its teeth. Then the canine dragged the blonde over behind three or four large bushes. Next, the fox tore off all of Naruto's clothes. Yeah, you know what happened next.

"Rapist, rapist!" Naruto screamed like a little girl. "Rapist, believe it! Rapist"

"How the hell do you know what rapist means if you don't know what reproduce means?" the fox said in between groans and moans.

"I…uhh…. Okay, okay!" Naruto managed to say. "All right, I don't know what rapist means!"

"Just do your part so that this can be over with!" barked the fox, which didn't bother to even tell Naruto that he was using the word 'rapist' correctly. (Yes, the fox was raping him)

* * *

Sakura was in a large room with several rows of chairs and the back a large wooden desk in the front. Sitting at the desk was one old man to the left and several other people towards the right; they were the judge and jury for the Ninja Court of Law.

Before the kunoichi had noticed, the trial had started.

"Sakura, did you or did you not severely injure your own sensei, Kakashi?," the judge asked.

"Umm… uh…," Sakura choked. Then the doors in the back of the room bursted open, followed by several people walking inside, including two ninja wearing green spandex.

"Free Sakura! Free Sakura! Free Sakura," Lee cheered. "Sakura's innocent! Free Sakura!"

"That's right, Lee! Let's show these people what youthfulness can do!" Gai sensei spoke.

"Free Sakura, free Sakura," Tenten said in a semi-enthusiastic tone of voice. "Free Sakura…"

"Hn… yeah, whatever," Neji said, not injured in the least bit.

"Sakura's innocent, I tell you," Lee spoke. "She's innocent because she was on a date with me last night when Kakashi was said to be assaulted!"

"What the hell!" Sakura exclaimed. "I would never go out with a bug-eyed freak like you, Lee!"

"Okay, I'm leaving for a quick break so I can go suck my pet cow, Sweety-weety-tweety-swucker," the judge said, getting up and walking towards the exit.

Suddenly, Lee's love for animals and his love for Sakura mixed together into a single feeling. "Judge, sir, I will not let you suck your pet cow until Sakura is ruled innocent!" Lee hissed, blocking the judge from going any further.

"But I want to suck on Sweety-weety-tweety-swucker really, really, really badly, damn it!" the judge whined. I mean nobody, yes NOBODY, has the right to tell someone not to suck on their lovable pets, especially pet cows named Sweety-weety-tweety-swucker.

"No cow sucking will be prohibited until my youthful cherry blossomed Sakura is ruled innocent," Lee roared at the judge.

"Just let me suck on my fucking cow, damn it!" the judge retaliated. "Now let me through or I'll kill Gai sensei!"

"Nobody is going to kill Gai sensei just to go suck on a cow!" Neji burst out suddenly.

"Lee, save me! Save me, Lee! Save me from the evil cow sucking judge!!" Gai sensei shrieked as if a giant, bloodthirsty snake was about to gulp him down with just a single swallow.

"Don't worry, Gai Sensei! I'll protect you and your youthfulness!" Lee heroically stated.

"Lee!"

"Gai sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gaaii sennnseiii!!"

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

"GAAAIII SENNNNNNSSSEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!"

"Okay, okay!" the judge yelled in frustration. "Sakura, you're innocent!"

"Yaaaaay!!" Lee and Sakura exclaimed, neither noticing the judge sneak away to go suck on Sweet-weety-tweety-swucker.

And with that Sakura was free to go. Now the only problem was how she was supposed to reach Sasuke.

* * *

That's the end of chapter five. If you didn't notice, I changed the rating from T to M for obvious reasons. Yeah, please review. I put some randomness in to see if it would add more humor, but please tell me if you think that this chapter was better than the others with randomness and all when you review! REVIEW, please!


	6. Kakashi's True Fear

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Chapter Six (Chapter 6)

By: Crack God (used to be Aoshi Master of the Kodachi)

Dedicated to: the warmth of the Afterglow

A/N: Hello, my youthful fans! About my user name, should I change it to something more along the Naruto side of anime? Rurouni Kenshin is my favorite anime, but I enjoy writing Naruto fanfics a whole lot more. Let me know when you review!

In the last chapter: Sasuke had disturbing visions about Sakura, Lee, and Gai all in the same bed. Gaara won the fight, but he was injured a lot more than Neji. A fox raped Naruto. The judge for Sakura's trial ruled in her being innocent so he could leave to go suck on his pet cow named Sweety-weety-tweety-swucker. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

It was towards noon the next day on the island where Sasuke and Naruto were. Sasuke was just starting to wake up, hearing Naruto's whining.

"I feel so violated!" Naruto complained. The female fox had finished with him only about five minutes ago, so Naruto's clothes were still off.

Sasuke's eyes flickered open fully only to see a purely horrible sight. "What the hell!" Sasuke exclaimed. "Why are your damn clothes off? And more importantly, how the fucking hell is _yours_ so fucking _big_!"

Naruto hastily shielded himself from Sasuke's bulging eyes. "A freakin' rapist fox just raped me!"

"Do you even know what those two words even mean?" Sasuke glared with words.

There was a pause before the blonde-haired ninja spoke. "Of course I know what they mean, believe it! And why were you even _looking _a second ago?"

"No I wasn't!" Sasuke retaliated in defense with a lie. He really didn't mean to look, it was just there.

"Well, a fox raped me, believe it!" Naruto whined.

"You're such a loser!" Sasuke replied. "Why would anyone want to rape _you_?"

"The fox raped me so that her clan of foxes could produce stronger offspring," Naruto answered. Then both Sasuke and Naruto heard rustling in the bushes. The blonde sprang in and then came out with the rapist fox.

"See!" Naruto said. "I told you a fox raped me."

"Once again, do you even know what that word means?" Sasuke questioned.

Naruto quickly whispered to the fox, and the fox barked back. "It means to force someone to doing it with you!" Naruto said in a triumphal tone.

"Do you even know what 'doing it' means?" Sasuke asked.

Suddenly the fox jumped down from Naruto's arms and growled at Sasuke. "You better leave the Great Nine-tailed Fox alone or I'll kill you! And yes, I DID rape him to produce stronger offspring!" said the fox, but Sasuke couldn't understand it because he didn't know the fox language. The fox waited for Sasuke to reply, but he didn't so the canine lunged its teeth into Sasuke's most sensitive part. Two seconds later the fox was gone.

Rock Lee was joyfully skipping down to the village's dairy shack. He was just about to make a chocolate cake when he discovered that he was out of cheese. (And no, he was not making a chocolate cheesecake. He was going to make a plain and simple chocolate cake with cherries on top.) So there Lee was, skipping down an old dirt path heading towards the dairy shack.

"I love Sakura! I love Gai sensei! I love Tenten! I love Neji!" Lee youthfully sung while skipping towards the dairy shack. "I love Neji! I love Tenten! I love Gai sensei! I love Sakura!"

While the youthful ninja was singing, he saw Gai sensei, skipping along the path as well. "Gai sensei!" Lee youthfully exclaimed. "What brings you out here?"

"Oh, I was making popcorn when I realized I was out of milk, so I'm going out to the dairy shack!" Gai exclaimed.

"I'm going to the dairy shack as well!" Lee said. "I was making a chocolate cake when I realized that I was out of cheese!"

"I love you, Lee!" Gai blurted out.

"I love you to, Gai sensei!" Lee said with tears running down his face.

"Lee!"

"Gai!"

"Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Gaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiii!"

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

Before Gai could say another enthusiastic Lee, his green-spandex-covered student ran into a pine tree… that was covered in lots and lots of sap. Upon further investigation, Lee and Gai realized that the sap… let's just say that the sap wasn't sap. Instead of being a yellowish substance it was pretty much white- but it was still sticky. (if you don't know what I'm talking about you're a LOSER. What was on the tree was semen, damn it, semen!) Instantly, Lee's spandex pants were covered in the white, sticky substance.

"Oh no!" Gai sensei exclaimed. "My youthful student is covered in the semen of an evil tree!" Gai pulled out a handkerchief made of green spandex to wipe the semen off of Lee, but when getting the handkerchief his pants fell down, revealing that he did not wear any underwear

Kakashi was now out of the hospital and he seamed to be doing just fine. Now he was walking down an old dirt path, heading towards the dairy shack. Kakashi was just smoking his crack like usual when he realized that he was out of strawberry ice cream. Then, through the trees along the path, he saw Gai sensei, so Kakashi called out, "Hey, Gai! What brings you out here?"

Kakashi walked down the path and then he saw the most horrifying sight he had ever seen. There was Lee, covered in semen. And over him was Gai, his pants down touching the ground.

"Gai!" Kakashi exclaimed. "Stop molesting you're pupil! God! And put your pants on this second!"

"It's not what it looks like," Gai pleaded.

"I only ran into a tree covered in semen, so the Gai got his handkerchief to try to wipe it off, but then his pants fell down!" Lee defended his sensei.

"Whatever, I don't care!" Kakashi said. "Just put your pants on and I won't tell anyone!"

Gai quickly dropped the handkerchief and pulled his pants back on. "Thank you, Kakashi! But, really, what the boy said was all true!" Gai replied.

"I don't even want to know," Kakashi said in response. Then he walked past the seen and on towards the dairy shack.

Soon Kakashi reached the dairy shack and he opened the door. Big mistake, Kakashi sensei! Guess who was behind the door, just guess. If you guessed a steaming mad Sakura you're wrong! If you guessed a huge bowl of crack you are correct….. okay, unfortunately you're actually wrong. What was behind the door was the judge for Sakura's trial.

"Why the fuck are you sucking on a cow!" Kakashi questioned in a what the fuck tone of voice.

The judge slowly removed his mouth from a rather large utter that belonged to a really, really smug looking cow. "Damn it! Can't a guy just suck his cow named Sweety-weety-tweety-swucker in peace!"

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaay then," Kakashi said. "I'll just go and take some strawberry ice cream and be on my way then."

Kakashi walked over to a rather large freezer while the judge vigorously sucked on his cow. Kakashi opened the freezer and found a transparent carton of ice cream labeled strawberry. Kakashi's high looking eyes widened in pure horror. The great copycat ninja shrieked louder than a defenseless Naruto. (And trust me, a defenseless Naruto shrieks unbearably loud.) What was so terrifying about the ice cream was that it… it was…. Damn it! It was freakin' pink! Yes, the horrifying color of cherry blossoms and death and despair and death and cherry blossoms and death and evil and death and death and death and vindictiveness and death! Mwahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

And no, I'm NOT joking. Aoshi Master of the Kodachi- I mean Kakashi, right, Kakashi is now fucking scared of the color pink.

The door swung open to the dairy shack and in came Sakura. "Pink!" Kakashi exclaimed. "Her hair is fucking PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!Save me from the PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

(Yeah, I think I over did the pink thing, but such is life when you fear pink- I mean such as life when Kakashi fears pink, yeah that's right, KAKASHI AND NOT ME! Crack is fun!)

"What the fuck!" Sasuke exclaimed. "Why the fuck did that fucking fox bite my penis! Baka! BAKA! BAKA!"

A/N: So that's the end of the chapter. Personally, I didn't think that it was that good. And, this time seriously, I'm really not on crack… I think, at least. Yeah, so anyway, about my user name thing. Should I change it to Master of Crack, King of Crack, God of Crack, or something completely different. Review and let me know what you think. Oh, and I'm a boy if didn't notice so don't suggest feminine names, or gay names 'cause I'm a homophobic. (I'm afraid of freaking gay people okay, that's why I'm afraid of pink-I mean that's why I made Kakashi afraid of pink, yeah Kakashi's afraid of pink, NOT me.)

Anyway, please review and let me know what you think. Also, should I expose and describe Sakura's breasts? My sister said that was too much so I'd like to know what you think. Please review! REVIEW!


	7. Rabid Fangirls and Marijuana

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

By: Crack God

Chapter Seven

Dedicated to: The warmth of the Afterglow (again)

In the last chapter: Naruto tried to convince Sasuke that a fox had raped him, but Sasuke wouldn't believe him so the fox came and bit Sasuke in his most sensitive part. Kakashi had completely recovered from the hospital, so he decided to visit the dairy shack. On the way there he saw a horrifying sight; Gai sensei molesting Rock Lee! Kakashi went his way and pretended the horrifying think never happened. Once in the dairy shack he saw the judge sucking on his pet cow. He pretended not to notice and went to the freezer to get strawberry ice cream, but he shrieked in terror because it was pink. Sakura came in and Kakashi was even more terrified because of his student's pink hair.

Now on with the chapter!

"Kakashi sensei, stop it!" Sakura complained. "You're hurting my ears!"

"Moo!" said Sweety-weety-tweety-swucker.

"But you're hair! It's pink!" Kakashi sensei shrieked.

"It has always been pink, you jerk!" Sakura stated. "And why are you sucking on a cow, judge?"

"Let me suck on my cow, damn it!" the judge whined.

"Okaaaaaaay then," Sakura said. "Kakashi, when are you going to take me to see Sasuke?"

Suddenly the ground shook as if an immense earthquake was in action. _They _were coming. Sakura just had to open her big mouth and say the name 'Sasuke' so now they were all done for. The damn fan girls were coming. "SASUKE- SASUKE- SASUKE-," the rabid fan girls chanted. "Where's our Sasuke? SASUKE- SASUKE!"

"Sakura, how stupid can you be!" Kakashi questioned, gaining his sanity. "You know that Sasuke's fan girls have gone extra crazy since he's left. If they attack they can destroy the entire planet!"

"I- I didn't think they would hear us if we were in the dairy shack!" Sakura exclaimed in anger.

"Are you stupid, girl?" the judge/ cow-sucker asked. "The fan girls have always had super hearing abilities in order to seek out information on Sasuke! Now I'm going to die and not be able to suck on my cow and it's all your fault!"

Then the door to the dairy shack busted open and shortly after all of the walls fell down. Kakashi let out a whimper as he lost his sanity again; over three fourths of the fan girls were wearing pink!

"Kill them!" Ino battle-cried, leading the rabid fan girls. "Kill them and Sasuke shall come back!"

"KILL, KILL, KILL!" the rest of the fan girls echoed back.

"You don't have to kill them!" Sasuke's voice spoke. "I'm right here!"

"SASUKE, SASUKE, SASUKE, SASUKE, SASUKE, SASUKE, SASUKE!" the fan girls exclaimed in joy. They all, including Kakashi, Sakura, and the judge/ cow-sucker, turned around to see the black-haired Uchiha.

The fan girls darted at Sasuke at speeds unheard of. Sasuke quickly tuned around and ran for his very life.

"How did Sasuke get here?" Sakura asked Kakashi after he and the fan girls had disappeared from sight.

"I don't know," Kakashi sensei stated. "He still should be training with Naruto on that one island that is rumored to be the home of some nasty little foxes- but that's just a rumor. I have scouted the island a million times and all I could find were lizards, rabbits, and of course marijuana."

"You put Naruto on an island that is growing marijuana!" Sakura exclaimed. "He'll be dead before you know it!"

"Naruto is too stupid to even know what marijuana is," Kakashi replied.

"That's probably true," Sakura agreed with her sensei.

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Gai sensei's voice shouted. Then Gai appeared and noticed Sakura and Kakashi inside the wrecked remains of the dairy shack. "Oh, Kakashi, do you know if the fan girls got Lee yet?"

"Umm… The fan girls were after Sasuke, not Lee," Kakashi told Gai sensei.

"No, Lee used a transformation jutsu and turned into Sasuke," Gai stated.

"But Lee can only use taijutsu," Sakura commented.

"…… Oh, you're right! I completely forgot. Then where is Lee?" Gai questioned.

"I'm right here, Gai sensei!" Lee exclaimed, popping out of the earth's crust. "The rabbit did it- the cute and youthful little rabbit transformed into Sasuke and lead the fan girls away from my cherry-blossomed Sakura."

Now on the island, it's bee a few hours since the fox bit Sasuke. Sasuke was sleeping and Naruto was exploring. The fox boy had mapped out the island in his head and he knew where everything was. However, today Naruto got bored pretty quickly, so he headed towards _the_ place. Yes, _the_ place where _it_ grew.

Naruto rummaged through the bushes until he found his garden of the very special plant that could have its leaves be turned into something wonderful. Yes, it was Naruto's prized garden of marijuana.

Naruto pulled his marijuana-making tools from his pocket. He then grabbed some of the plants' leaves and got to work to make his marijuana ready. And to think that Kakashi sensei had actually trusted Naruto on this island with marijuana.

Within a few minutes the marijuana was ready. Naruto pulled out his lighter and burned one, inhaling every precious fume that was resulting from the smoke. Before anything could stop him, Naruto was in his own little world.

Then Sasuke suddenly appeared. He took a leaf and prepared his own Mary Jane. "I love you, Mary Jane," Sasuke sang to himself. "I love Mary Jane! Oh, Mary Jane! Mary Jane! Mary Jane! Mary Jane, oh you're the only drug for me! But Lady Crack is fine as well! Mary Jane! Mary Jane! I love my precious Mary Jane, oh Mary Jane!" Sasuke continued to sing as he smoked his precious marijuana.

End of Chapter Special

The warmth of the Afterglow calmly sat on a bridge in Kohona. Patiently, she was waiting for the next chapter of Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers to be posted. Suddenly, a little rabbit hopped by her.

"OHMIGOD!" The warmth of the Afterglow exclaimed. "What a youthfully youthful little bunny wabbit! It's soooooo cute! I so totally want it!"

"Did I hear someone say 'youthfully youthful'?" Lee asked, suddenly appearing on the bridge next to The warmth of the Afterglow. Then he noticed that the person was a girl. 'There's a girl who enjoys youthfulness!' Lee thought. 'I must have her be my girlfriend!"

"Umm… why are you staring at me while salivating, Lee?" The warmth of the Afterglow asked in a creeped-out tone of voice.

'She even knows my name! I MUST ask her out!' Lee thought. "Will you be my youthfully youthful girlfriend!" Lee asked.

"No, she's mine!" Neji said, mysteriously appearing. "The warmth of the Afterglow, will you go out with me!"

"She's mine!" Lee protested.

"No, she's mine!" Neji whined.

"She's mine!"

"She's mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"Stop it, both of you!" Crack God said. "You're scaring my reader. If she hadn't read this story, the story would be canceled, and both of you would be dead! Dead I say, DDEEEAAADDD!"

"We're sorry," Lee and Neji moaned at the same time. "Just please don't cancel the story and kill us! We'll be good, we promise!"

Then everybody looked at The warmth of the Afterglow, who was now talking to the rabbit. The warmth of the Afterglow said,"-and with that the heroic bunny triumphed over the evil, un-youthful snake that threatened to destroy the entire village. The end."

"She's mine!" Lee exclaimed.

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY!" Crack God roared. Within in two seconds flat, Lee had ran away from the seen, from now on fearing Crack God for the rest of his life.

A/N: Well that's the end of chapter seven. I hope you liked the whole chapter plus the End of Chapter Special. I actually enjoyed typing/ writing this chapter. Should I have an End of Chapter Special every chapter or just every so often? Review and let me know on that. Oh, and also, I decided not to update again until I get at least an additional 30 reviews! I know that seems like a lot, but I need to know if people are enjoying this fanfic or not. I don't care if you give me more than one review, but I'm not posting a new chapter till you guys give me at least 30 new reviews. And if I never get 30 new reviews then I'll never update. Sorry if you don't like this 30 review thing, but I'm not gong to write a fanfic if hardly any people review to let me know what they think, because when I don't get hardly any reviews I assume most people don't like my story. I hoped you enjoyed the chapter and please review or I won't update. REVIEW PLEASE!


	8. Ninja Bunny to the Rescue

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

By: Crack God

Chapter Eight (Chapter 8)

Dedicated to: All of my faithful reviewers (ZukoKrazy, The warmth of the Afterglow, and wolf-girl87, just to name a few)

In the Last chapter:

The fan girls (Sasuke's fan girls) attacked Kakashi, Sakura, and the judge/ cow sucker because Sakura was careless enough to say Sasuke's name in public. But before the fan girls could kill them all, Sasuke showed up. However, upon further investigation the Sasuke that saved Kakashi, Sakura, and the judge/ cow sucker was only a rabbit that could use the transformation jutsu and turned into Sasuke, or so Rock Lee says. On the island, Naruto got bored so he and Sasuke visited their precious garden of marijuana. Yeah, that was pretty much it.

Now on with the chapter!

"Lee, don't be stupid," Sakura said annoyed. "We all know that rabbits can't become ninja, or use any jutsus for that matter." _Cha! Has that bastard Rock Lee finally gone insane! Yes! Now we have a reason to persecute him. Cha, _Inner Sakura exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's even strange for you, Lee," Gai sensei said in disbelief. "Rabbits are just youthfully youthful creatures, and nothing more than that.

"Wait!" Kakashi exclaimed. "Not to long ago I heard a rumor of a bunny that goes around and helps people in need. I think they called him Ninja Bunny."

Everyone stared at the famed copy cat ninja, them all giving him what the fuck kind of looks, except for Lee who gave him a… well… let's just say that Lee gave Kakashi a very disturbing and gleeful look.

"Never fear, Ninja Bunny has survived. Suddenly, a copper colored rabbit with floppy ears and some black markings around its paws, face, and ears that wore a blue and orange cape flew in on the seen. "But I have to admit, the fan girls were vicious. For a moment there I thought that my tail was a goner."

"See! I told you it was just a rabbit transformed as Sasuke!" Lee exclaimed, looking away from Kakashi.

"Yeah, I told you that Ninja Bunny helped those in need!" Kakashi shouted as if he was Lee himself.

Then the ground moved as strong pulsations cracked into the earth's crust- pulsations far stronger than what even the rabid fan girls could possibly create when stampeding upon the ones who say Sasuke's name. Boulders rocketed down upon the village, coming from the massive rocky area where the Hogake had their faces carved into.

"What's happening!" a worried Sakura questioned.

"I don't know, but it is definitely a job for me, the great Ninja Bunny!" Ninja Bunny exclaimed. "Hop, hop and away!" Instantly, Ninja Bunny flew into the sky to investigate, Kakashi, Sakura, Gai, and Lee following by foot.

"We know you can defeat this evil disaster, Ninja Bunny!" Kakashi joyfully exclaimed.

"Go Ninja Bunny!" Lee yelled youthfully. "I love you, Ninja Bunny! You will succeed against this new rival, I know you will because you're Ninja Bunny! Go Ninja Bunny!"

As soon as Ninja Bunny, Kakashi sensei, Gai sensei, Rock Lee, and Sakura reached the area where the Hogake's faces were carved out a giant snake showed its face amongst the rocks. The snake was about 650 feet long and made out of a substance that Kakashi was extremely familiar with, but he just couldn't remember what is was nor what it was called or what it did.

"I shall defeat any opponent!" Ninja Bunny triumphantly spoke. "Prepare to die, evil snake of unyouthfulness, death, unyouthfulness, vindictiveness, death, and unyouthfulness!"

The evil, unyouthful snake dove its head towards Ninja Bunny, but the highly skilled rabbit easily dodged the assault. Suddenly, a kunai appeared in Ninja Bunny's mouth. With a fierce stab, Ninja Bunny pushed the kunai into the giant snake's throat.

"Kakashi, shouldn't we be helping Ninja Bunny?" Sakura asked her sensei. "I mean, what if he gets hurt or something?"

"Ninja Bunny can't lose!" Kakashi replied.

"Go Ninja Bunny!" Lee and Gai exclaimed at the same time.

Then the snake jolted its head, throwing the kunai in its neck to the ground. It lunged its fangs forward and ripped Ninja Bunny's cape off, swallowing it in one gulp.

The light bulb turned on inside Kakashi's head. He just remembered what the giant snake was made of! It was crack! The giant snake was made of a tremendously enormous joint of crack!

The silver haired sensei sprang up upon the snake. "I'll take it from here, Ninja Bunny," Kakashi told the crime fighting rabbit. "This kind of thing is my specialty."

"Well, if you're sure," Ninja Bunny replied. "I need to buy a new cape anyway. Is there a costume store in this village?"

"Yeah, there is," Kakashi replied. "Just go south on North Avenue, then turn left to Marijuana Street. From there go north till you get on Opium Road. Then go east on Cocaine Avenue. From Cocaine go to Crack, and from Crack go to Speed. Once on Speed you should go through and end up back on Marijuana. From there go south to Halucunagens Street and the costume store is right there on the corner."

"Thanks," Ninja Bunny replied. Within two seconds the crime fighting rabbit was flying away to go buy a new cape.

Kakashi started performing fire style hand signs. Before you could say 'Mary Jane' Kakashi had created flames. Then he lit the giant crack snake's tail and instantaneously got high. Within thirty seconds the snake was dead.

It was evening now and Kakashi just got done smoking the entire giant joint of crack. He was currently sitting in his house watching the television in his mind that had been created from the ever so lovely crack.

Knock, knock, knock. Some one was knocking on Kakashi's door, but the sensei was just too high to give a damn about it. The knocking got louder, and louder, and louder, but Kakashi sensei could only ignore it because of his current state. Before the masked ninja could even comprehend what was happening his door had been bolted down and a certain emerald-eyed kunoichi stormed into her sensei's house.

"Kakashi! When are you going to take me to see Sasuke!" Sakura yelled. "I want to see Sasuke NOW!"

"Crack… crack is… CRACK IS FUN!" Kakashi laughed, his eyes looking extraordinarily high, considering the fact that they always look high.

"Oh no, you didn't smoke that entire giant joint of crack, did you!" Sakura questioned, her fist raised, ready to attack. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE SOME FOR SASUKE AND ME!"

The kunoichi stomped out of Kakashi's house in rage. _What the fucking hell is up with Kakashi! Cha! He knew that we agreed that Sasuke and I would get our fair share of that giant joint of crack!_ Inner Sakura roared. _But no! He just had to smoke it all himself! Cha! And now he'll be high for at least all of tomorrow so he won't be able to take me to see Sasuke when I want to see him now!_

"Is there something wrong? Never fear for Ninja Bunny is here!" Ninja Bunny said, flying in from the sky. Now the crime fighting rabbit was wearing a red cape with blue and green polka dots.

"Oh, hello Ninja Bunny," Sakura said. "Kakashi is suppose to take me to see one of my teammates, Sasuke. The only problem is that he got high off of the entire giant joint of crack from the snake that he was suppose to share with Sasuke and myself."

"That just sucks!" Ninja Bunny exclaimed. "I'll tell you a little secret though. I have this awesome Bunny-mobile that can fly, and since I'm not doing anything tonight or tomorrow I'll take you over to Sasuke in it."

"Do you really mean it!" Sakura joyfully exclaimed.

"Of course! Why would I, Ninja Bunny, lie?" Ninja Bunny replied. "Just meet me by the costume store in a half an hour. Bring anyone else you can find that wants to see Sasuke if you want."

"Thank you so much, Ninja Bunny!" Sakura exclaimed. "I love you sooo much!"

"All right then," Ninja Bunny replied. "I'll see you in half an hour." With that Ninja Bunny flew off into the sky and Sakura ran back into Kakashi's house.

"Kakashi!" Sakura shouted. "Ninja Bunny is going to take us to see Sasuke!"

"CRACK IS FUN!" Kakashi crackled. "Ninja Bunny + Crack Ninja Bunny on Crack Super Hero on Crack x 34.6729024 to the seventh power. Negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus two a b divided by two a. A squared minus b squared. A squared plus or minus two a b plus b squared."

"Kakashi, come on! We don't have time to recite algebra equations!" Sakura whined. "We have to meet Ninja Bunny in just a little bit, so come on!"

"CRACK!" Kakashi yelled. Annoyed, Sakura grabbed her sensei's arm and started to drag him down to the costume store.

Twenty-five minutes later Sakura was still dragging her extremely high sensei, but the costume store was just behind the corner. But before the kunoichi could pass the corner the bug-eyed freak showed up.

"Hello, my cherry-blossomed Sakura!" Lee youthfully exclaimed. "Where are you going?"

"Oh, no where really," Sakura casually said. "Ninja Bunny is taking Kakashi and me to see Sasuke and that's about it."

"Well, what good timing," Lee remarked. "Gai sensei just announced that me and my teammates will be visiting the island where Sasuke and Naruto are on. May we join you?"

"Sure, why not? Derrrrr!" Kakashi said, high as possible.

"Great!" Lee said. "I shall be back here with my team in less than five minutes." Then Rock Lee youthfully leapt away to gather his team.

"Why the hell did you say that he could come?" Sakura angrily asked her high sensei.

"Lee + Ninja Bunny Dead Lee," Kakashi answered.

"… That actually makes sense," Sakura commented. "All we have to do is have Ninja Bunny think that Lee is evil and Ninja Bunny will take it from there! Good plan, Kakashi sensei!"

"CRACK!" Kakashi smugly said, his eyes looking even higher, if that was even possible.

Just as Sakura passed the corner while dragging her sensei, Lee, Tenten, Neji, and Gai sensei appeared. Two minutes later, a flying black limousine with attached crime fighting weapons swooped down to the ground.

"Never fear, for Ninja Bunny is here!" Ninja bunny chanted, getting out the driver's seat. "All aboard for those who wish to visit the island where Sasuke is located."

"Ninja Bunny!" Lee and Gai sensei exclaimed.

"OHMIGOD!" Tenten shrieked. "I can't believe I'm meeting THE Ninja Bunny! It's like a dream come true!"

"Hn," Neji 'hn'ed.

"CRACK IS FUN!" Kakashi yelled.

Then the seven ninja, including Ninja Bunny, hopped into the Bunny-mobile. The outside of the Bunny-mobile looked awesome, but the inside looked even better. It had thirty-six rows of black leather seats, four wishing-well style fountains, a dozen king sized beds, three ovens, sixteen microwaves, fifty-two toasters, twenty refrigerators, two swimming pools, thirty-eight big-screen televisions, two dozen stereo systems, and, the best part of all, one heaping bowl of crack.

"Wow!" Tenten gasped. "This has to be like the best limousine in the entire universe. I love you so much, Ninja Bunny!"

"This place really is awesome," Neji commented. "I wouldn't mind living in this, not one bit. This is better than the Hokage's mansion."

"I'm saved!" Kakashi yelled, eyeing the bowl of crack. "CCCRRRAAACCCKKK! My oh so precious crack!"

"What a youthfully youthful environment!" Lee said.

"Youthfully youthful indeed," Gai commented.

"Wow! Ninja Bunny, you have the best crime fighting vehicle period," Sakura said in awe. "This place is so spacious, even with all of the accessories inside. Where did you get this?"

"I built it myself," Ninja bunny replied proudly. "Okay, according to my Ninja Bunny time system, we should arrive at the island by noon tomorrow if we leave now."

"Woah, how far away is the island?" Sakura asked.

"It's quite a bit west of the Village Hidden in the Sand," Ninja Bunny answered. "So that's why it will take so long to get there."

"That's fine," Neji remarked. "We all like this limousine, so that won't be a problem at all."

And with that, Ninja Bunny hopped into the driver's seat while Sakura and Kakashi went into the fifth row of seats, Rock Lee and Gai sensei climbed I to the twentieth row ofd seats, and Neji and Tenten went all the way to the back, the thirty-sixth row of seats. Then Ninja Bunny started the ignition and drove his awesome limousine into the sky, heading west towards the island.

A/N: That's the end of chapter eight! I think it was my longest chapter yet! Yeah, I got bored of waiting for the thirty reviews so I posted this chapter quite a bit early. I decided that it doesn't matter if I get a lot of reviews, just as long as my few faithful reviewers keep reviewing. I appreciate all of the support of those that review. If you didn't notice, the End of Chapter Special from last chapter inspired a lot of this chapter. And for those of you who said I should get back to the main story, I did that in this chapter, even if it didn't seem like it. You see, by having Ninja Bunny take them to the island it is taking Sakura to Sasuke at last, which was of course part of the initial plan. So what I did in this chapter was beneficial to getting the main plot back on action, although I don't believe I ever got off, for all of that randomness was needed in a weird way. Anyway, I hoped you like the chapter and please review! REVIEW PLEASE!


	9. What Neji and Tenten Did

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Chapter Nine (Chapter 9)

By: Crack God (Who else? You should know the author of this story by now!)

Dedicated to: Everyone who likes Neji and Tenten paired together!

In the last chapter:

Ninja Bunny showed himself. Then a giant snake attacked, so Ninja Bunny went to fight it, followed by Kakashi, Sakura, Lee, and Gai. The snake seemed familiar to Kakashi, but the masked ninja just couldn't place his finger on why. Ninja bunny attacked the snake with a kunai and was saving the day until Kakashi remembered why the snake was familiar: It was made of an enormous joint of crack, yay crack! Then Kakashi took the fight from there and killed the snake with a fire style jutsu. After the snake was dead the silver haired jounin smoked the giant joint of crack until evening. After Kakashi had smoked the entire joint, Sakura whined about wanting to see Sasuke, and about how her sensei was supposed to have shared the joint with Sasuke and herself. Then the kunoichi left only to meet Ninja Bunny! Ninja bunny offered to take Sakura and anyone else who wanted to see the Uchiha to see Sasuke. Sakura readily accepted and within half an hour Sakura, Kakashi, Lee, Gai, Tenten, and Neji were inside of Ninja Bunny's awesome limousine that could fly. With Ninja Bunny in the Driver's seat, the limousine was driven off into the sky.

Now on with the ninth chapter!

"Ninja Bunny, may I pleases have some of the crack now?" Kakashi politely asked the crime fighting rabbit.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Sakura yelled loudly. "THIS CRACK IS FOR SASUKE, MYSELF, AND NO ONE ELSE! GOT THAT!"

"Fine," Kakashi spoke in an annoyed tone of voice. As soon as the emerald-eyed kunoichi was not looking, Kakashi sensei snook some of the crack from the crack bowl and hid the joints in his pocket.

Now, far, far away in the thirty-sixth row of seats in the awesome limousine, one ninja and a kunoichi were having a conversation.

"Neji, you do know what today is, don't you?" Tenten asked her black-haired, white-eyed teammate.

"Yeah. Today's the day when we got put on the same squad, and also, and unfortunately with Lee and Gai sensei," Neji answered.

"Don't you think that we should do something special, you know, since it's the anniversary of the day we meat and everything?" Tenten said.

"But what should we do?" Neji asked cluelessly.

Tenten bent over and whispered something into Neji's ear. Neji's face gained a look of surprise, followed by a look of pleasure. Then the Hyuga nodded his head in agreement.

"Why not?" Neji replied to Tenten's whispers. "We have nothing better to do while riding in this limousine."

"Thanks, Neji," Tenten spoke in response. "I promise that you won't regret this."

"I hope I won't," Neji said. "But, like I said, I don't have anything better to be doing."

"Okay then. Should we tell Lee and them all that we're just going to bed early so they won't come up and check up on it when we're in the middle of doing it?" Tenten questioned.

"No, I don't think so," Neji answered. "They might think it's suspicious. Besides, you know how Lee likes to stare at us when we're sleeping."

"True," Tenten replied. "Very true."

"All right, I'll go get everything we need and you can preheat the oven," Neji spoke slyly.

"Oh, but I think it has already been preheated," Tenten remarked suggestively. "I'll just turn it on to full heat."

Neji then left, searching in some of the nearby cupboards for something very important, very important indeed.

Five minutes later, Neji came back with a bowl that was hiding something inside. He took something out of the bowl, unwrapped it, then put the article of whatever on.

Tenten emptied the bowl and put a powder-like substance inside. Oddly, she also put a sticky, yolkish substance in as well. Then it all began.

"All right, Neji," Tenten spoke. "Let's get this thing started!"

"Yes, let's," Neji Hyuga replied. "This should be rather… interesting."

Now back to the island, Sasuke's marijuana had almost completely worn off, but Naruto was still in his own little world. Then, the horrible visions returned into Sasuke's mind.

_Stop doing that Lee! _Sasuke yelled in his head. _I'll kill you if you go to bed with Sakura and with Gai one more time!_

_Ooooooooooooooooooh! So you are finally admitting to liking Sakura! _Inner Sasuke remarked, just returning inside Sasuke's head. _So tell me Sasuke, when are you and Sakura getting married? _

_Shut the fucking hell up! _Sasuke fought with his own Inner Self. _I don't like Sakura! And when did you come back?_

_I just got back from vacation this morning _Inner Sasuke spoke. _But when I got back you were too high, way, waaaaaaaaaaaaay too high, to notice that I had returned. _

_I wasn't that high!_ Sasuke yelled in his mind. _And I don't like Sakura! _

_Of course you do. In fact, right now you're wishing that I would go away so you could crawl into bed with her _Inner Sasuke argued. _In fact, you were wishing from day one that your precious Sakura would visit you. _

Sasuke then lightly blushed. He was so mad at his Inner Self, but he just couldn't stop blushing. _Fine! I like her, okay! But so what! _Sasuke spoke to Inner Sasuke. _There, you heard it! Now what? Is it even that big of a deal!_

_Finally you admit it! _Inner Sasuke exclaimed. _Now was it really that hard to admit that? No, I didn't think so. Well, I'm off on another vacation! I'll see you later! _

_How is that you can just leave and come back? _Sasuke asked.

_You make me, kid. _Inner Sasuke said. _I'm just a figment of you're imagination. You made me up so you could stop being so selfish and admit that you love your cherry-blossomed Sakura. It is as simple as that. _

_Whatever, _Sasuke said in his head.

"Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster!" Tenten shrieked in delight. "FAAAAASSSSSSTTTTEEEEEEERRRRR! Ooooooooooh! Faster!" A whirring sound could be heard as Neji tightly grasped something.

"Okay then," Neji replied. "Super speed is on its way!" Then _it _went even faster.

"Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oooooooooooooooh!" Tenten moaned with great pleasure. "This is so exciting! And to think that it is only your first time."

"Well, I don't really have a lot of access to this kind of stuff that often," Neji said in response. "Should I stop now? I think it's about ready."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Tenten said. "We have to make sure its ready first. Completely ready."

"Okay," Neji agreed. "A few more minutes won't hurt, I guess."

"I just hope that Lee or any one else doesn't notice," Tenten spoke.

"That's for sure," Neji agreed again.

A few minutes later the whirring noise slowed to a steady halt. "If we go any longer they just might break off," Neji said.

"All right," Tenten responded. "We shouldn't over do it or our precious baby may not come out all right."

Then Neji grabbed the bowl from earlier and dumped its liquidy substances into a large circular pan. "We should save some of this stuff for later. You know, in case I can't find anything next time."

"No, just put it all in now," Tenten ordered.

"If you insist," Neji said, shrugging his shoulders. "Here it comes!" Neji took the bowl and poured the rest in.

Then footsteps were heard coming to investigate the seen. "Quick!" Tenten exclaimed. "Put the pan in the oven so the don't notice!"

Neji hastily put the pan in the nearest oven. "Hurry, put some blankets over your body so Lee doesn't see you like that!"

Tenten readily obeyed, putting blankets over her body as Neji did the same. Then the two sat down on the limousine's seats, both about seven feet away from each other.

Lee walked by and youthfully said, "Hello, my youthfully youthful teammates! What might you two be up to?"

"Nothing really," Tenten lied.

"Hn," Neji said Sasuke-style. (In my world there are Neji style 'hn's and Sasuke style 'hn's, just to let you know)

"Do you want to play 'Guess That Spandex' with Gai sensei and myself!" Lee jubilantly exclaimed youthfully.

"No thanks," Tenten spoke in a creeped out tone of voice. "I just don't think that umm… that my parents … umm… that my parents would approve of it."

"All right then," Lee said. "I shall see you later."

Then Rock Lee left to return to his sensei. Neji and Tenten sighed in relief, both at the same time. Lee was just so unpredictable they didn't know whether or not to continue. But in the end, they both had no choice. They had to finish up their business or the ingredients would spoil.

Two hours later, a white substance was squirting out of a tube-like structure that belonged to Neji. The white substance went onto the bare surface of a skin-tone colored area that was Tenten's.

"Oooooooooh!" Tenten gasped. "I can't believe that the time has passed so quickly! Especially since this is your first time Neji."

"Well, I do think that I'm good at it. Don't you?" Neji questioned.

"You're very good at it," Tenten answered. "You're the best I've ever seen at it!"

"Okay then, now for the final touch," Neji spoke. He then shoved a certain something into a certain place.

"Harder Neji, harder!" Tenten yelled enthusiastically. "Come on! For a great Ninja and compared to what you were just doing before, right now you're just a weakling!"

"But I don't want to bust it up!" Neji exclaimed. But surely enough, within a minutes he had put it all the way in.

Then, Neji and Tenten had finished their goal.

Tenten grabbed the pan and she and Neji walked up to the seats where Kakashi and Sakura were sitting, which was now just in front of where Gai and Lee were sitting.

"Mmmmm! What smells so youthfully delicious!" Gai sensei said.

"Yes, what smells of youthfulness?" Lee questioned.

"Wow, that does smell good!" Sakura exclaimed.

"It smells better than even crack!" Kakashi spoke in delight.

"It does!" Ninja Bunny spoke in delight as well.

"Aren't you suppose to be driving, Ninja Bunny?" Tenten asked.

"Eah, I just put the limousine on auto pilot," Ninja Bunny answered.

"Whatever," Neji replied. "Tenten and I made this cake for you guys for the anniversary of our squad and stuff."

"A cake! For us!" Lee said, tears running down his face. "You to actually remembered that today is the anniversary of Team Gai! I feel so joyous and youthful that you two, my fellow teammates, actually remembered, and on to of that you even made a cake to celebrate!"

"Yeah, whatever," Sakura said. "Just give me a slice of cake already!"

"Of course, my cherry-blossomed Sakura!" Lee exclaimed.

Then everyone got a single piece of cake, except for Ninja Bunny (he got half of the entire cake) because Ninja Bunny is the strongest ninja period.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed the ninth chapter! Okay, just to clear up any confusion, I'm going to explain the Neji and Tenten situation. Well, Neji and Tenten really weren't having sex with each other. Instead, they were making the cake that they all ate at the end of the chapter. When Tenten and Neji were talking about heating the oven up, the literally meant heating the oven up. And the article of whatever that was in the bowl and the Neji wore was an oven mitten. The faster part with the whirring sound was the two using a blender to mix the cake ingredients. And it was Neji's first time making baked goods, not his first time having sex. And the harder part was Neji putting a candle in the center of the cake, the only place that it had not been frosted in so it was still skin-color in that area. Oh, and the white substance coming out of a tube-like structure was just vanilla frosting out of a cylindrical can of frosting. Yeah, I think that's about it. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. Thanks for reading and please review! REVIEW PLEASE!


	10. The New Hokage

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Chapter Ten (Chapter 10)

In the last chapter: Sasuke finally admitted that he liked Sakura to his inner self. While in Ninja Bunny's limousine, Neji and Tenten made a cake. Then, everyone on the limousine ate the cake. And that's about it.

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"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" everyone in the limousine exclaimed. It was now the next morning and Ninja Bunny just received a very, very, very, very, VERY important message.

The fifth Hokage had just radioed Ninja Bunny through the diamond plated radio inside the awesomely awesome limousine.

"I have wonderful news," the fifth Hokage had said.

"What is it?" Kakashi demanded through the radio.

"I just zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt-" the fifth Hokage attempted to answer, but 'static' interrupted him.

"Please repeat," Ninja Bunny spoke.

"I just got zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zt zzzzzzzt zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt zzt zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt," the fifth Hokage spoke.

"Pardon?" Sakura spoke to the Hogake.

"I just got my zt zt zt zt zt zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt," the Hokage repeated, but 'static' occurred again.

"Just say what you fucking need to say!" Neji spoke, annoyed.

"Yeah, please just say it," Kakashi said.

"I just got my zzzzzzzzzzzt accepted for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt zzzzzzzzzt zzzt zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt," said the Hokage.

"Okay, now you're just being fuckin' retarded," Ninja Bunny yelled through the radio.

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This is a poem I wrote for English, so please enjoy!

Old people

Old people always use a cane 

Old people are hardly ever sane

They try to cut through your bloody vein

And wash your soul down the drain

Yeah, that's it. Now back to the story! (No offense to old people.)

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"I fucking said that my flippin' re- zzzzzzzzt got accepted to zzzt do zzzzzzt it zzzzzzzzzt with zzzzzzt for zt $100,000,000 dollars a zzzzzzzt zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt hour!" The Hokage exclaimed.

Everyone inside the flying limousine was quiet. Did they just hear what they thought they heard? Did the fifth Hogake just get a job to do it with people? But they had to be sure before they made any further assumptions.

"Please repeat your self from the beginning," Ninja Bunny spoke through the radio.

"God!" Tsundae (I think that's how you spell her name) shouted. "I am resigning from the position of Hogake. I just got accepted to work at McDonalds flipping burgers for $7.59 an hour. So, I name you, Ninja Bunny, the Sixth Hokage of The Village Hidden in the Leaves."

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I'm sorry, but that's the end of chapter ten. I'm beating myself up right now on how short it is. But please don't get sad! I'll try to update soon, but no promises. There wasn't too much humor in this chapter, so I'll try to cram a lot of humor- as well as romance- into the next chapter. Since I'm bored, here's the old people poem again.

Old people

Old people always use a cane 

Old people are hardly ever sane

They try to cut through your bloody vein

And wash your soul down the drain

Yeah, that's it. (No offense to old people.)

Thanks for reading and please review! REVIEW PLEASE. If you review you'll get an even better story from me!


	11. Ninja Bunny's Story

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Author: Crack God

Dedicated to: Everyone who reads this story! So please, everyone review! I have it set up so anyone can review, even if you don't have a fan fiction account!

Chapter Eleven (Chapter 11)

Ninja Bunny's Story

In the last chapter:

Tsunde resigned from being Hogake because she got accepted to work at McDonalds. She then assigned the great Ninja Bunny to be the sixth Hogake. Yay for Ninja Bunny! Oh, and you can't forget my old people poem. Here it is again in case you forgot!

Old People 

Old people always use a cane

Old people are hardly ever sane

They try to cut through your bloody vein 

And wash your soul down the drain

That's it! No offense to old people, of course!

Anyway, here's the chapter!

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"What the fucking hell!" Naruto exclaimed. "I'm supposed to be the next Hokage! Fucking believe it you psychos! Die in the flaming flames of fucking hell! Mwahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" -cough, cough- "Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Once Naruto was done with his rather… disturbing laugh everyone gazed in horror, even including Lee, upon the insanely insane ninja.

"How did you get inside this limousine?" Sakura asked her teammate who was suppose to be with her precious little Sasuke.

Naruto strangely moved his eyes back and forth. "I was never here," the blonde said slyly. With that, he opened up one of the limousine's doors and jumped out of it.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" everyone left in the limousine exclaimed. Now, if you know anything about the Naruto TV show and my style of writing then you should be asking yourself, "Why do they even give a fucking care about Naruto? I thought they all hated him, that is except Hinata." Well, if you're thinking that, you're correct; they all do hate Naruto in my fic, so… Believe it! The real reason why they exclaimed NO! was because the door that Naruto used to get out was left open and was causing some extreme suction and was attempting to throw all of them out to a painfully painful death that would be unbearably painfully painful atop of painstaking pain of knowing that your death will be painfully painful as you fall and fall and fall and fall and fall some more while you fall and fall and fall from the force of gravity that some how didn't affect the awesomely awesome limousine in which you were riding in. Ah, yes that awesomely awesome and sweetly sweet limousine that the great Ninja Bunny owned because he's the strongest ninja ever, especially now since he's the sixth Hokage. Now back to the awesome limousine. Yes, that awesome limousine that had 36 rows of elegantly fine leather seats. And you can't forget the awesome television sets inside this awesomely awesome limousine that was awesome. Yes, this limousine was absolutely divine. Wait, you say? You're telling me, "What do you mean the limousine WAS absolutely divine? Are you going to do something to it in the future of this story?" If you are asking yourself those questions, which you really should not be doing, then you are going to get your so called 'answer' right now. To answer your questions that you really shouldn't have been asking, to be perfectly honest I have no idea what so ever. Maybe the limousine will suddenly be affected by the force of gravity. Maybe it will be attacked by rampaging squirrels with sharp and pointy weapons. Possibly, it will be struck by a mess of super heavy and deadly feathers while flying through a fluffy cloud. Maybe it won't be hurt at all. Maybe you'll never know because I die three days after I post this chapter. I honestly don't know. Now what was I talking about before the limousine? Oh yes, I remember know. Falling! Falling while knowing that you will die an unbearable painfully painful death as soon as your soon to be lifeless body crashes into the ground of death and despair only to have your entire body explode on impact, showering miles upon miles upon miles upon miles with the blood from your crushed body that just exploded as it hit the ground and caused miles upon miles upon miles to be showered by a blanket of your blood. Falling for hours upon hours while cringing your death that will soon come. Fearing that when you finally do hit the ground that you will die a slow and painful death when in reality your death shall be dramatic but very short and you'll only experience a mere millisecond of painful agony and distress. But that painful agony and distress shall be the most painful agony and distress that anyone in the entire world has experienced. Here's a poem to further illustrate this event.

It is Raining Blood after You Fall

You can feel your body fall, fall, fall, and fall

You wish you're going up but you know you're going down

Your mind pictures your savaged body crashing on a wall

You fear that you will wear your deep red blood as a dark crown

Pain, pain beyond what you hope to imagine even in a dream 

Painful agony arises into the horizon of your death

You force your mouth open and let out an agonized scream 

And then you just remember where you hid your precious meth 

But it is only far to late by this time, right now

The ground appears before you, menacingly and covered in sharp rocks 

You remember your once beloved pet, Sweety-tweety-swucker the cow

And then you picture the one who actually did rape you; the fox

But these memories are just broken tools

For your cold body is about to be ripped to shreds

Even though you know that the author of this rules

You shall never be able to see your precious in the beds

Then it is the moment of truth, the awaited impact 

Your cold flesh is ruthlessly torn by the landscape

Blood squirts out of your heart and your brains are racked 

You are reminded that your intelligence is like an ape 

But after the fall, and after the impact your blood rains from the sky

Red, red, and read and shortly after you find yourself dead

Your eyes keep open in pure horror after you die and say good-bye

And you say hello to the life of hell, so much worse than what you have read

But your blood continues to shower and shower 

Your life is gone, as the scenery for miles will be stained red as well as life's wall 

And your blood shall blossom into an evil, deadly flower

For it is raining blood after you fall

And that is the end of the poem! The cadence is really bad, but I don't care. If you haven't noticed, I typed this poem up while I was making it up. And what abut the paragraph before the poem? That paragraph has to be the longest I have ever typed for fan fiction by far! Anyway, I should get back to the story.

"Someone, hurry and close the door!" Tenten shrieked. The suction from the open door was slowly but surely sucking everyone inside the limousine out to the empty, un- supporting air.

"That damn Naruto just had to come in and kill us!" Sakura roared in anger.

"Gai Sensei!" Lee exclaimed.

"Lee!" Gai exclaimed.

"GAI!"

"LEE!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Beep- Beep- Beep--------- We interrupt this moment because of the gay unicorns are acting, well… gay, to put it bluntly. The author of this fic, Crack God, is too afraid to type this moment up, for he is afraid of these creatures- the gay unicorns. We shall fast forward the seen to a part that does not scare Crack God as much.

Fast forwarding - Fast forwarding- Fast forwarding- Fast forwarding- Fast Forwarding- Fast Forwarding

Fast forwarding completed! Now we return you to the scheduled program. Please enjoy. Enjoy or die. Thank you for your cooperation.

Lee and Gai then pulled their spandex garments back on.

"That was fun, Gai Sensei!" Lee exclaimed.

"You bet it was my boy," Gai sensei replied. "You bet it was."

"My eyes!" everyone else shrieked in pain and horror.

"Just close the door, someone!" Kakashi yelled, shielding his eyes with his arm.

"I nominate Lee and Gai!" Neji called out.

"That's good with me," Tenten replied.

Then it clicked within Sakura's head. Now was the perfect time to tell Ninja bunny that Lee was a villain (refer to chapter eight if you are lost) and then Ninja Bunny would be forced to destroy Lee.

"Yeah, Ninja Bunny! Lee's evil anyway!" Sakura shouted.

"Did I hear 'evil'?" Ninja Bunny questioned.

With that Ninja Bunny darted over to Lee and Gai and with his super superness he made them fly out of the door, and right before they fell down to their eventual death the closed the door and saved all of the others.

"We love you Ninja Bunny!" Kakashi, Sakura, Neji, and Tenten exclaimed. "You're the best ninja in the world! All hail the great sixth Hogake!" Then the four got on their hands and knees and bowed down to the great Ninja Bunny.

"Thank you," Ninja Bunny replied.

"I love you the most, Ninja Bunny!" Kakashi sensei exclaimed.

"No! I love him the most!" Tenten argued.

"Stop, stop," Ninja Bunny spoke. "Right now is story time!"

"Yay! Story Time!" Neji shouted.

"What story are you going to tell us, Ninja Bunny?" Sakura questioned.

"I'm going to tell you guys the story of how I was inspired to become a ninja." Ninja Bunny replied.

"Yay!" the four exclaimed.

"Okay then," Ninja Bunny started. "It all started about four years ago. I was a pet rabbit in a small hutch."

"How cruel!" Kakashi gasped.

"I know," Ninja Bunny replied. "Anyway, back then I looked quite different. I was a whit bunny back then. But how I longed to venture out into the wild. It didn't matter to me how I would get my food. I just wanted to be free from my tiny hutch."

"How poetic!" Sakura stated.

"Yes, very poetic indeed," the sixth Hogake spoke. "So then one day, when my owner came to feed me, I just hopped out. I ran outside before he could catch me and I darted into some bushes. Of course, he never found me. But then, out of no where, a weapon came through the bushes and almost hit me square in the head!"

"How terrible!" Neji spoke.

"Yes, I was extremely frightened," Ninja Bunny spoke. "In fact, I blacked out for a little bit. But when I came back, there was this obnoxious boy holding me in his arms. He wore a orange and blue track suit and had blood hair."

"Hmm," Kakashi spoke. "He sounds some what familiar."

"Is that so?" Ninja Bunny said. "How interesting. Anyway, after the boy let me go I ran off. Abut a week later I was confronted by a vicious pack of wolves. The cornered me up against a tree. But then I remembered how that boy threw a weapon at me. I hastily grabbed a nearby twig with my mouth and I threw it at the leader of the pack. The twig hit the wolf's nose and caused it to bleed. Then the entire pack whimpered and left me alone. From that day on I honed my skills. Soon I learned how to use my paws to fight, and that helped me a lot. From then on I started learning ninjutsu. Eventually, I got so good that I didn't eve have to use hand symbols to perform it."

"Wow!" Tenten spoke.

"Thank you," Ninja Bunny spoke. "So then I thought that I should use my skills to protect people, so I did. One day, when I was at the market, I spotted a nasty ninja who stole a woman's purse. I rocketed on the seen and I caught the ninja. When I returned the woman's purse back to her she was so happy that she taught me how to speak. From then on I earned the title Ninja Bunny, and now I'm the sixth Hogake."

"Woah!" the four listeners exclaimed. "You're amazing, Ninja Bunny!"

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A/N: That's the end of chapter 11! It was a quite bit longer than the last chapter and it has my longest fan fiction paragraph yet! And I have to say, this chapter was enjoyable to type. Oh, and Ninja Bunny's story was suppose to explain that he is the bunny in what I believe is volume 3 in the manga. You know, way back with Zabuza. Now, remember last chapter I told you to review and you'd get a better story. Well, since I had some new reviewers as well as some old ones, I made the story better in this chapter, don't you think so? Now, if you review again, or if you review for the first time I'll put even more effort into writing this fic. So please review! I won't update until I get 15 reviews, and this time I'm serious. And remember, if you review the story will get even better! REVIEW PLEASE AND THANK YOU!


	12. Sasuke and Sakura's Date

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Author: Crack God

Chapter Twelve (Chapter 12)

Sasuke and Sakura's Date

This chapter is dedicated to: All of you Sasuke X Sakura fans (sasuXsaku fans)

In the last chapter:

Naruto magically appeared and yelled at Ninja Bunny because he became the Hogake. Then he left the flying limousine through one of its doors, which he left open. Then the suction of the open door threatened to kill them all. Just then, Sakura remembered her plan of telling Ninja Bunny that Rock Lee was evil so that Ninja Bunny would kill Lee. Sakura followed through with her plan and Ninja Bunny through Lee and Gai out of the limousine, and the two managed to close the door that Naruto had opened. Thus, Ninja Bunny saved the day once again.

Now on with the chapter!

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It was now early morning in the limousine in which Ninja Bunny, Sakura, Kakashi, Neji, and Tenten were located inside of. Everyone was asleep, except Ninja Bunny because he has the super power to not have to sleep as much as normal ninja, such as the last Hogake. Go Ninja Bunny!

Sakura flickered her eyes open, slowly awakening. Her skin felt warm, as if someone had slept with her.

'Wow,' Sakura thought to herself. 'I feel so… relaxed.'

She stretched on the limousine's seats, raising her arms into the air. 'Now that Lee and Gai are gone I no longer have to worry about them doing something… strange again. Yeah, ever since the time when Lee did it with me when I was asleep and almost got me pregnant I have been scarred to sleep at night. But now I no longer have to worry!'

The kunoichi kicked some of the blankets off of her. But the faint sound of plastic falling to the ground caught her ears. She quickly looked at the ground only to have herself gaze in horror upon the limousine's floor.

On the floor read a plastic wrapper labeled: "Chocolate Flavored Condom; the best flavor period"

Sakura kicked at her blankets, and out rolled a man who would have been completely naked if he was not wearing his mask that covered only half his face.

"You bastard!" Sakura roared, waking up Neji and Tenten. "You and Lee are the two most perverted bastards in the entire universe, you bastards!"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Kakashi pleaded, now awake as well. "What did I do this time? Its not like I could've gotten you pregnant. You just had your period a little bit ago!"

With that, Sakura grabbed a kunai, slit her perverted sensei's throat, and then walked off to the bathroom to go clean herself.

And with that, another had died. First Lee and Gai, and now Kakashi sensei had died. Was the limousine a foul curse? Or were the deaths related from Sakura wanting the three dead?

As soon as Sakura exited the bathroom, Kakashi got up and took his turn in there. It appeared that Kakashi sensei really wasn't dead. Instead, he was simply… not hurt at all for some magical reason.

"Put some clothes on you pervert!" Sakura roared as she passed Kakashi sensei. "And aren't you afraid of my pink hair for some weird and unexplainable psychological way that no one in the entire universe, including Hogake Ninja Bunny, can even hope to comprehend."

"Nope," Kakashi replied. "I'm not afraid of pink anymore." With that he walked into the bathroom.

Sakura paced herself over to the center of the limousine, which looked quite different than before. About six rows of seats had been folded down and in their place was an enormous poker table. Ninja Bunny, Neji, and Tenten were having a grand old time playing poker.

"Can I play?" Sakura asked the three.

"No girls allowed," Tenten barked back.

"But you're a girl, Tenten," Sakura replied.

"Well then, no girls with pink hair are allowed," Tenten hissed.

"That's not fair!" Sakura protested. "Let me play or I'll kill you all!"

"Okay, okay, okay!" Tenten exclaimed, pulling up a chair for he dearest friend, Sakura.

"Why, thank you!" Sakura said in a fakey tone of voice.

The pink-haired kunoichi took her seat and started playing poker with her 'friends' that meant so much to her.

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At the end of the poker game it was between Neji and Ninja Bunny. Neji looked at Ninja Bunny's cards with his byakugan eye and knew he was outmatched. But he decided to bet all his money on this final hand. Ninja Bunny faltered. In the end he chickened out and Neji won all the cash. (Actually, it really wasn't cash. It was really the magical drug known as crack.)

"I win!" Neji exclaimed.

"Oh well," Ninja Bunny replied. CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCllllllllllllllllllluuuuuuuuuunnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Kkkk-kkk-kkk- CCCCCCLLLLLLLUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKK! Suddenly, the limousine's rocket booster thingy mobbobs started making an interesting noise.

"What's all this noise," Kakashi asked, just now coming out of the bathroom fully clothed.

"I don't know," Ninja Bunny replied.

"Who cares?" Neji said.

Then Ninja Bunny looked around, and the others followed. Eventually, they found an ultra high tech vent thingy that powered the rocket boosters on the limousine. Stuck in there was a certain someone's condom wrapper. Everyone glared at Kakashi.

"Whoopdy doo," Kakashi spoke. "At least I'm not the pilot of this limousine who just so happens to NOT be driving this limousine."

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The limousine suddenly turned down, down, down, then up, but then down again from a combination of not having a pilot and from having a certain kind of wrapper in its high tech vent.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sakura screamed in horror.

"HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!" Tenten screeched.

"CCCCCCCRRRRRRRAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!" Kakashi exclaimed.

"YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!" Ninja Bunny yelled.

"Hn," Neji 'hn'ed.

CRASH!

BAM!

BOOM!

SNAP!

CRACKLE!

POP!

RICE CRISPIES!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The limousine crashed into a certain land mass that just so happened to be the island in which Sasuke and Naruto (That is if Naruto didn't die when he fell from the limousine.) were located upon. Luckily, for everyone, the limousine did not crash into the garden of drugs.

Out of the hazy smoke around the limousine, Ninja Bunny, Kakashi, Neji and Tenten stepped out of their prized limousine.

"We might be here a while," Ninja bunny stated. "I'll stay here and fix the limousine. You guys can go and look for your friends."

"Okay," Sakura replied. With that the four (Sakura, Kakashi, Tenten, and Neji) went to go look for Sasuke. But the four decided to split up and each go in a different direction. If any of them found Sasuke, or Naruto for that matter, they were to signal the others with a confusing system of chakra that was on a red card that each one of them had. If one of them found Sasuke or Naruto they would release chakra into the card, causing it to turn blue. As soon as one card turned blue, all of the others would as well.

So Sakura began the journey of finding her one true love. (Cough- she- cough- also -cough -has -cough -a- cough-crush- cough- on- cough- Neji…Just kidding! Though I did probably make most of you Sakura X Sasuke fans mad with rage…)

To make a short journey even shorter, Sakura found Sasuke leaning on the base of a tree after only two minutes of searching for the Uchiha. She immediately released chakra into her red card, turning it blue and signally the others.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura exclaimed in joy, sprinting to the black haired ninja. "I missed you so much!"

Sasuke stood up and turned away, secretly hiding the fact that he was blushing.

"What's wrong, Sasuke?" Sakura asked in a worried tone, halting from a sprint to a slow walk.

"Why are you here?" Sasuke coldly responded trying to act like he didn't like the cherry blossomed Sakura.

"I- I just wanted to be with you, Sasuke-kun," Sakura cried. "You already know that I care about you more than everything else in the world."

"So?" the Uchiha spoke.

Tears poured down the emerald-eyed kunoichi. She rushed towards Sasuke and turned him around. However, in this process Sasuke supposedly 'tripped' over an acorn and fell face first into Sakura's breasts.

"What the fuck!" Sakura squealed, pushing Sasuke out of her breasts.

"Dammit!" Sasuke roared. "Damn, damn, damn! I like you too, Sakura!"

Sakura's eyes changed from sorrowful to joyful in an instant. "Do you really mean it, Sasuke-kun?" the girl asked.

"Hn," Sasuke replied. "Yeah."

"I love you so much, Sasuke!" Sakura exclaimed, hugging him tightly.

"Well… umm… would you like to go to this Japanese, Chinese, and French restaurant with me?" Sasuke questioned.

"Hell yes!" Sakura shouted. "I can't believe it! My first date with Sasuke!"

So with that, Sasuke lead his new girlfriend to the restaurant. It was an enormous building. So enormous, in fact, that it was nearly impossible that you could not see it, but yet Sasuke and Naruto had just discovered its existence the previous night.

The two walked in and took a seat. They were the only customers in the building, but the place was bustling with staff. After about 500 waitresses were done fighting to serve Sasuke and Sakura, a waitress wearing a pink kimono and that had a curly French mustache greeted the two.

"What could I get you two huns?" She spoke.

After horrifically gazing at the waitress's mustache for half an hour, Sasuke finally replied.

"We'll just have today's special," the Uchiha answered.

"Okay," the waitress replied. "I'll be back in just a little bit, you two huns." With that she left.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Naruto's voice could be heard screaming in agony.

Soon the screams died out and the waitress came back to Sasuke and Sakura with a silver platter. "Eat up, you huns," she spoke. "Enjoy."

She set the platter in the center of the table, revealing a mass of a cooked substance. Then she left.

Sasuke shoved his fork into the food, and then shoved the food into his mouth. He chewed the food vigorously, making sure it was up to his standards.

"Hey!" Sasuke exclaimed after thoroughly chewing his food. "This stuff tastes great!" He hastily shoved some more into his mouth.

Quickly, Sakura tried some for herself. "Wow!" she shouted. "This is AWESOME!"

For about an hour the two 'huns' gobbled down the mystery food.

As soon as the mustached waitress came by again, Sasuke asked her, "What is this wonderful food?"

"It's Naruto," she calmly replied, then left.

Sasuke and Sakura gazed at each other in horror. They had just eaten their teammate!

Sasuke took action by puking on the floor. Sakura, however, rushed to the bathroom. In about five minutes she came back with tangled hair and eyes that made her look as if she hadn't slept in months.

"Hi, guys!" Naruto said obnoxiously, magically appearing on top of the table, missing an arm and a foot. "Did you like how I tasted?"

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Alas, but the twelfth chapter is at an end. I hope you enjoyed it! Sorry to the Ninja Bunny fans that he wasn't a significant character in this chapter, but I had a few reviews saying that Ninja Bunny was just making the story off topic. So I'd like you to vote on how significant Ninja Bunny should be when you review. So now, if you review, the story will have a better chance of going the way you want it to! Oh, and thanks for all the reviews! I exceeded my 15 new review mark, even if not all of the new reviews were for the last chapter. So remember, please review! REVIEW PLEASE!


	13. What Neji and Gaara Have in Common

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Chapter Thirteen (Chapter 13) Yes, chapter 13, the unlucky number. But who cares? Quite frankly, if I cared about numbers a lot then I would have never posted a chapter 11. Yeah… whatever.

By: Crack God

This chapter is dedicated to:

The warmth of the Afterglow and sentbyangels13 (You know, since the second one's user name has a 13 in it and all)

A/N: I just got this sweet wide screen laptop that looks better than a high definition television set. It is completely awesome! I'm using it right now to type this fan fic. It has about twice the amount of memory as my desktop and if it weren't a machine I'd be in love with it. Who am I kidding? I already am in love with it! It is so awesome it would make the technology in Ninja Bunny's limousine look like it came from the seventies. Yeah. I had a few complaints (okay, it was only one complaint) about a certain someone being mad that I made Sasuke and Sakura eat Naruto. Just a little something to that person; you're crazy! Come on!

In the previous chapter:

Sakura, Kakashi, Neji, Tenten, and Ninja Bunny crashed into a island while inside the limousine after a certain someone let plastic get into a vent and after a certain someone wasn't driving. Luckily, this island happened to be their prized destination from the start. Then they all split up to find Sasuke, except Ninja Bunny because he stayed to fix the limousine. After mere minutes, Sakura found Sasuke. Eventually Sasuke caved and took Sakura to a French, Chinese, and Japanese restaurant that just so happened to be on this island. Once there, they ordered the special from their waitress, who just so happened to have a curly French moustache. They ate the food, then asked the waitress what it was. She simply replied that it was Naruto and left. Then Naruto appeared, missing an arm and a leg.

Now on with the fic!

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Sasuke and Sakura just stared at Naruto.

"So, how did I taste?" Naruto questioned. "Did I taste like chicken?"

Sasuke waited a moment then spoke. "Actually, you tasted more like turkey."

"Turkey, huh?" Naruto replied.

"Yeah, Turkey," Sasuke said. "Turkey with onions and a mix a pocky."

"Are you serious!" exclaimed Naruto. "I taste as good as pocky!"

"You sure did," Sasuke stated. "In fact, you tasted even better that pocky."

"You thought he tasted like pocky, Sasuke?" Sakura asked. "I personally thought he tasted more like a type of fish."

Everyone went dead silent. Fish… fish… fish. Now, why did fish strike them as odd? Was there some kind of connection between the word 'fish' and the name 'Naruto'? Then it hit them like a speeding bullet of weirdness. Fish + Cake Naruto! Naruto meant fish cake in Japanese!

Once Naruto realized his two teammates had realized they had figured out that they had actually not eaten him, the blonde ninja released his jutsu hiding part of himself. Immediately, his foot returned. Everyone waited for his arm to return as well. They waited and waited and waited and waited, but nothing happened.

Finally Sakura broke the silence of waiting. "Naruto, what happened to your arm?"

Naruto glanced at the place where his arm would have been if it were actually there. "Oh, you mean that thing?" Naruto said. "I just lost that about ten minutes ago when I had I fight with Gaara."

Sasuke's sharigan automatically activated. "Gaara!" Sasuke exclaimed. "Where is he?"

"He's near our precious garden," Naruto replied.

"You mean THE precious garden?" Sasuke thundered.

"Yep," Naruto replied. "THE precious garden."

"Are you crazy?" Sasuke roared. "He could ruin the garden forever! And that garden is our life! If it weren't for that grand garden then we would be dead already!"

"Do you honestly think Gaara would harm our garden?" Naruto said in response.

Sasuke though for a moment, then replied. "Well, he is kinda… creepy," he spoke. "But we still can't take any chances with the garden."

"What are you guys talking about?" Sakura asked.

To bad for Sakura, but her question was simply ignored.

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Neji stared at his card, which had recently just turned blue. But something was amiss in this complicated system revolving around the card. Even if you could see the fact that the cards have changed colors, it still didn't tell you the fact WHERE Sasuke or Naruto were. Neji knew of this from the start, but decided not to tell anyone. After all, he still had to get a rematch with Gaara.

So Neji walked amongst the island until he stumbled upon something very peculiar. He spotted some cannabis plants neatly organized into a garden. A very special kind of garden.

But something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. At the very core of the garden was a large, weird shaped object. Neji went closer to investigate and found the truth. It was Gaara's gourd.

_Shit!_Neji exclaimed in his head. _Gaara's on drugs as well. I have to beat him to them if I want to get them before he shows! _

Neji hastily retrieved his marijuana making kit and tore some of the leaves off of the cannabis plant. Neji's drug making kit included a bag of corn chips, a can of hair spray, glue, some empty joints, a lighter, a paintball gun, and a hairdryer.

Then the Hyuga quickly got to work, occasionally huffing some of his hair spray and glue. In a few seconds, Neji had finished making about five hundred joints and stuffed all but one back into his drug making kit.

Neji grabbed his lighter and started enjoying his ever so precious Mary Jane.

Rustle! Crack! Aaaiieeeeeeeeeeeeeegh!

Loud, disturbing sounds could be heard from the bushes near Neji Hyuga. After about an hour of these sounds, Gaara popped out of the bushed. His clothes were torn and he was bloody every where.

"Where… where's… where's my gourd!" Gaara spat out.

Neji pointed in the center of the garden.

Gaara walked over to his gourd and shoved a hand into the mushy sand that it contained. Then he pulled it back out, his hand now containing five or six joints. He reached in again and pulled out a lighter. He tried to use it on a joint, but the lighter was dead.

"Can I use your lighter?" Gaara asked the being whom now sat next to him.

"Sure," Neji replied, tossing his lighter into Gaara's lap. "We drug users got to help each other out if we want to survive in this cruel world."

"Nicely put, nicely put," Gaara spoke, lighting his joint and inhaling the fumes.

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Meanwhile…

Rock Lee was trapped inside a freezer inside the French, Chinese, and Japanese restaurant. His spandex covered body was being squashed by six tons of ice.

_Save me, Gai sensei! Save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_

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And that's the end of the thirteenth chapter. Hope you liked it! I was going to add a Special Chapter Ending thing, but I'm to busy. I am having algebra exams in a few days and I really need to study. I'm still in middle school, and where I'm at people in middle school don't take exams. But I'm in high school math, so I have to have exams for algebra and it sucks! It sucks I tell you! Sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks! Yeah, so the point is that I won't be able to update for at least a week. Sorry! So if you guys review I'll be able to actually remember what happened in this chapter, and I'll have new ideas for the next. So reviews are crucial for this story right now if I'm ever going to even start writing the next chapter. Speaking of reviews, my fic just reached over the 100 review mark! Yay! Anyway, please review this chapter! REVIEW PLEASE!


	14. Neji HATES Kool Aid

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Written By: Crack God

A/N: I am so sorry for not updating in a really, really, really long time! I've been extremely busy with my other fics and I just recently got time to work on this one. And now so I don't work on one fan fic story more than another I've created what I call 'The Sacred Order of Fanfiction.' What the sacred order is basically is a sequence of order in which I write my fanfiction stories. Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers is at the top, so from now on I update this fic before my others. Second on the list is The Dragon in Her Heart, so I update it after I update Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers. Third on the list is Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts and last is Psycho on the Bus. Once I update Psycho on the Bus then the list starts over again with Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers.

In the previous chapter: (Umm… what did happen last chapter? I think I forgot. I'll just say what I think happened.)

Naruto and Sasuke were discussing what Naruto tasted like. Then Sakura made the comment that he tasted like fish and then it hit them that Naruto meant 'fish paste cake' in Japanese. Naruto then undid the jutsu over his body and soon his foot came back. However, his arm was still missing. Sasuke then asked Naruto what happened to his arm and Naruto replied that Gaara had torn it off when he was near their marijuana garden. Then Sasuke got really, really mad. Meanwhile, Neji and the others had no idea where Sakura and Sasuke were even though Sakura had released her chakra into her red card and turned all of the cards blue because the system still didn't show anyone where they were. Neji knew this from the beginning, of course, but he needed to finish his business with Gaara first. The Hyuga soon stumbled across the precious garden of marijuana, only to find Gaara's gourd in the center. Despite the threat of the gourd, Neji sat down and smoked some marijuana. After a while Gaara appeared and pulled some joints and a lighter out of his gourd. The red haired sand ninja attempted to smoke his joints, but his lighter was broken so he asked if he could use Neji's. Neji agreed and threw his lighter to Gaara and Gaara used it. And then Lee was trapped in a freezer, screaming for Gai sensei to save him.

That was what happened, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Now on with the chapter!

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Chapter Fourteen (Chapter 14)

Chapter Title: Neji HATES Kool Aid

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The sun was low across the horizon, ready to sleep for the night. A gentle breeze blew across the island, scattering the sand on the beach. The waves pounded upon the shore, carrying a lumpish looking object that was wearing what appeared to be none other than green spandex.

Soon the green object was washed upon the shoreline, and on cue several giant turkey vultures rocketed down from nowhere and savagely assaulted the object with their beaks. The object started to moan, but it was too weak to fend of the vicious turkey vultures.

Eventually, a very high Neji and a very high Gaara stumbled across the beach. Everything seemed peaceful. But then… they saw it… they saw the stampeding purple bunnies atop of a green mass.

"Hello, you cute little purple bunnies!" Gaara exclaimed, sprinting over to the 'bunnies' in a very crooked line, his hands waving at the 'furry' little creatures.

"Wait for me!" Neji shouted. "I want to pet a cute whittle bunny too!"

Soon the Hyuga had caught up with Gaara. Then the two reached out their hands to pet the cute little bunnies.

Within a second a searing pain had entered their hands. Neji and Gaara glanced at there hands to see what would have blood if they weren't high, but instead they saw candy! Pocky candy! Yay for pocky!

"Ohmigod!" Gaara squealed like the little girl he was. "The cute little purple bunnies left us a present! Pocky! Yay! I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove pocky!"

"Me too!" Neji exclaimed, shoving the 'pocky' into his mouth. "Pocky is the best thing ever! But I did hear that Naruto tastes pretty damn good too. Whatever. Yay for the awesomeness of pocky!"

"Heeelp… meeee…," a moaning voice could be heard. "Neji? That's you, right? Help meee! Where's Lee? I need to see my Lee…"

Neji, being high and all, took 'Where's Lee? I need to see my Lee…' for 'where's my wee- wee? I need to suck my wee- wee…'

After hearing what he thought he heard, Neji sprinted as fast as he could from the purple bunnies that wanted to suck their wee- wee.

Gaara, who was at a whole other level of highness, took 'Where's Lee? I need to see my Lee…' for 'where's my weed? I need to smoke my weed…'

"Hold on," Gaara spoke to whoever moaned. "I'll get my weed out for you in just a god dam fucking second." Gaara reached into his gourd- the very bottom of the gourd- and pulled out some weed. He tossed the drugs around, causing the purple bunnies to go crazy and look for them. Then Gaara finally saw it. Underneath the bunnies was Gai sensei.

"Thank… … … … … you," Gai sensei groaned.

"Who are you?" Gaara questioned.

"I'm… I am Gai," Gai sensei answered.

However, this time Gaara took 'I am Gai' for 'I am gay.' With that, Gaara ran away just like Neji had done moments before.

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Meanwhile, in the restaurant, Kakashi and Tenten had arrived. They had actually managed to learn how to use their damn eyes and looked up to see the giant restaurant that wasn't suppose to exist. But the point is that they found it.

Naruto was sipping down a glass of 'milk', Tenten was eating some 'frosting', and Kakashi was devouring some 'fudge', but of course that is all beside the point. Or is it?

Suddenly, the sound of a near by jet screeched across the building. Suddenly, the ceiling caved in as Choji fell through, Followed by Shikamaru, Ino, Kurenai, Asuma, Kiba, Akamaru, Hinata, and Shino. Everyone, except Choji, landed safely atop of, well, Choji.

"Sasuke!" Ino shrieked, stripping, then running down to her 'beloved' Sasuke.

"Get away, you fucking whore!" Sasuke screamed, hiding behind his, yes HIS, Sakura.

"What?" Ino gasped in disbelief. "I just got some whopping huge transplants and this is how you treat me!" With that she ran away, going towards where the freezers were…

"What are you guys doing here?" Kakashi asked.

"It's Asuma's and my honeymoon!" Kurenai exclaimed.

"And you brought your squads?" Kakashi asked in extreme disbelief.

"Well, it is about time that they learn a thing or two," Asuma said. "It will be a learning experience for all of them."

"I'm fairly certain that Ino already knows," Sasuke remarked, still hiding behind his Sakura.

"Yes, well, she did watch our first time," Kurenai spoke as Asuma chuckled softly.

"You two are sick," Sasuke coughed out. "Sick, I tell you! Sick! Completely Sickening!"

The door to the restaurant opened and Neji and Gaara rushed in to the architectural structure and slammed the door shut behind them. Then they looked around at their new surroundings, making sure that the horrible Gai sensei wasn't magically inside.

"That was close," Neji huffed out. "I'm never going back to that beach again."

"Same here," Gaara panted. "Those purple bunnies were adorable and all, but they were… they were… they were scary in another sense!"

"Hey!" Sasuke shouted. "It's Gaara! What did you do to our precious garden, you bastard from sand?"

"What garden?" Gaara asked, taking a moment's time to think. "Oh, you mean the marijuana garden, don't you?"

"Hmm, Kakashi," Kurenai spoke. "We may be teaching our students wow to properly engage in love making, but at least we don't allow them to do drugs!"

"Hey, I don't force my students to do drugs!" Kakashi protested. After a minute or so he then continued. "I just simply show them how much fun it can be to do drugs by demonstrating myself."

"Shame on you, Kakashi," Asuma spoke, waving his index finger.

"I have NEVER done drugs," Sakura stated, making it clear that even if all of the other people on her team were in fact highly overdosing that she herself was not. But apparently, her statement had been ignored.

Suddenly, the door opened again and Gai sensei darted in, the turkey vultures still attacking him.

"Ahh!" Gaara shrieked. "It- it's – It's the purple bunnies! Save me!"

"What are you talking about Gaara? Those aren't purple bunnies!" Naruto hollered. "Those are obviously PINK bunnies!"

"They are NOT pink bunnies, you retard!" Sasuke yelled. "They are pink AND purple bunnies."

"Umm, no they are not," Tenten said. "Those are turkey vultures."

"Turkey vultures?" Naruto said in disbelief. "What is SHE on?"

"Yeah, seriously," Neji replied. Then his eyes widened in horror as he regained his lost sanity. That was Gai sensei!

"I must save Lee!" Gai exclaimed, darting to the freezer room, followed by the others. Gai hastily opened all of the freezers and on his last try he had finally found Rock Lee… and Ino?

Everyone looked perplexingly upon the seen. Lee and Ino? Yeah right, not in a trillion years!

"What?" Ino yelled. "I'm a whore for god sake!"

"Lee!" Gai exclaimed.

"Gai," Lee shouted.

"LEE!"

"GAI!"

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

"I missed you Lee!" Gai said, tears in his eyes.

"Me too!" Lee spoke. Then he jumped out of the freezer, something in his hand. "Anyone want Kool Aid?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Neji yelled out of fear. "I HATE Kool Aid!"

"How come?" Tenten questioned.

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It was Lee's birthday party on November 27th and everyone was invited. Unless you had multiple excuses that were actually true, then you were forced to go. Luckily for Crack God, he had two very good excuses not to come. For one, his birthday was just the day before and for one of his gifts he didn't have to go to Lee's party. Crack God's other excuse was that it was his sister's birthday this day. Thus Crack God didn't go to Lee's birthday party. Unfortunately, everyone else in the village couldn't come up with more than one good excuse, so EVERYONE except Crack God was forced to attend Lee's party. Luckily for the girls, the party was changed to an all boy party at the last minute. Neji had tried to pass as a girl with his long hair and all, but he had sadly failed.

So Neji was forced to go to Lee's house and attend the party. He opened the door and soon found out that all the other guests, other than Gai and Lee himself, were little kids… little boys. Apparently, all of the older guys had committed suicide so that they didn't have to go to Rock Lee's birthday party.

So Neji was all alone with Lee and Gai and little boys. He was scared. VERY scared. Then it came. The ground shook and all the little boys grew excited. Then, bursting through the front door, came the Kool Aid man, but this time he wasn't red. This time he was white… and much thicker than usual.

"Yay! The Kool Aid man is here! Yay!" all the little boys exclaimed. "And today he's white! Extra yay!"

"Oh yeah!" The Kool Aid man exclaimed. "White and thick, just for you!"

Neji darted forward and kicked the Kool Aid man in the balls, but apparently his balls were someplace else. With that Neji hid in the closet with his eyes screwed shut. Luckily, nobody realized where the Hyuga was hiding.

"Oh oh oh oh!" The Kool Aid Man moaned. "OOOOOOOOOOOH! OH YEAH!"

Luckily, Neji managed to dig a tunnel out of the closet and escaped unnoticed, but he would be scarred forever.

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"Neji, why do you hate Kool Aid?" Tenten repeated.

Neji did not respond. Instead he sat down and started sucking his thumb.

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Thus the fourteenth chapter is at its end. I know that I said I would have an End of Chapter Special, but I just don't have the time, so sorry! Anyway, what did you think of this chapter. It was really hard to right because it scared me so. I had to stop every thirty seconds just to make sure that HE wasn't coming. Oh god no! He's here! Help me! I need a sharp and pointy object to kill him once and for all! –Random guy hands me a spear- Thanks for the spear, who ever you are! Now I must kill the Kool Aid man! Thanks for reading and please review! I'll let you know if I killed the Kool Aid man next chapter. And if I never update then you can know that I died. Please review!


	15. Ninja Bunny's New Mansion

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers 

Written by: Crack God

**A/N: I was going to have the end of chapter special in this chapter, but then I decided to make it in the next chapter. Please don't kill me! I'll tell you what it is going to be about anyway; it shall be about how I killed the Kool Aid man (remember; from the other note at the end of chapter 14). The reason why I am postponing it is because I want some of you, my faithful readers, to be in it. The person who gives me my 153rd review will automatically be in the end of chapter special. Why 153, you ask? I honestly don't know, I just picked a number at random. If you do happen to be the one who gives this fic its 153rd review I will send you a form making sure that you want to be in the end of chapter special and that asks what you want your role to be. But never fear; even if you are not the one who gives this story its 153rd review you still have a chance of being in the end of chapter special! I will pick two additional people at random that have reviewed this chapter and put them in the end of chapter special as well. I will also send these two people a form confirming that they are willing to be in the end of chapter special and asking them what they want their role to be. If this chapter gets over 153 reviews then I will pick three people at random as well as the 153rd reviewer to be in the end of chapter special and if this fic reaches its 160th reviewer then I will pick 6, yes 6, people at random to be in the end of chapter special as well as the 153rd reviewer. So the more reviews this fic gets the better your chance of being in the end of chapter special is! **

In the previous chapter: Neji HATES Kool Aid

Neji and Gaara stumbled across a beach while thye were high. They saw 'purple bunnies' and ran over to them to play. Then things got better; the 'purple bunnies' gave them 'pocky'! But after that the two ninja found out that the 'purple bunnies' were weird, so they ran away. Mean while, in the restaurant Choji, Ino, Shikamaru, Kurenai, Asuma, Kiba, Shino, and Hinata fell through the ceiling and magically appeared. Upon further investigation, Kakashi found out that Kurenai and Asuma were on their honeymoon, and they brought their squads so that their students could learn a thing or to about S- E- X. Then Neji and Gaara hurried into the restaurant and slammed the door shut after they checked to make sure that the 'purple bunnies' weren't inside. Sasuke yelled at Gaara for being in his precious garden, and soon Kurenai and Asuma were scolding Kakashi sensei for letting his students do drugs. Then Gai sensei appeared, the 'purple bunnies', that were actually turkey vultures, attacking him. Then Gai, followed by the others, ran to the freezer room to save Lee, only to see that Lee was with Ino. Rock Lee jumped out of the freezer and offered some Kool Aid to everyone. Neji started freaking out and he had a flashback to Lee's birthday party and how the 'white' Kool Aid man was there with all the little boys and how he himself had to hide in a closet. Then when the flash back was over, Neji sucked his thumb, terrified of the horrible event. Well, that was pretty much it.

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Chapter Fifteen (Chapter 15)

Chapter Title: Ninja Bunny's New Mansion

Now on with this installment of Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers!

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"Neji, hello," Tenten spoke. "Snap out of it! Stop sucking your thumb!"

"I'm afraid it's useless, Tenten," Gai sensei spoke, knowing why Neji snapped but the green clad sensei didn't bother to tell the others why.

"Well, let's eat!" Choji exclaimed. "After all, this IS a restaurant."

"You know what?" Kakashi sensei spoke. "That's a great idea!"

"It does make perfect sense," Asuma remarked.

With that all of them walked out of the freezer room, except Neji whom Tenten carried, and took a seat at a huge wooden table that had a circular frame. Naruto sat at the very north. To Naruto's right was Hinata, and to her other side was Kiba, Akamaru on his head like always. To the other side of Kiba was Gai, who was sitting next to Lee, who was also sitting by Sakura. On the other side of Sakura was Sasuke and the Uchiha was also, unwillingly for that matter, sitting next to Ino. Choji sat between Ino and Shikamaru and to the other side of Shikamaru was Tenten. On the other side of Tenten was Neji. The Hyuga also sat next Kakashi. The silver haired ninja sat next to Kurenai, who in turn sat next to Asuma. To the other side of Asuma was Shino. On they other side of Shino was Gaara, and on the other side of Gaara was an empty chair. On the other side of the Empty chair was Naruto.

After about another hour of the waitresses fighting over who would get to serve the seventeen ninjas, the same waitress that served Sakura and Sasuke with the French moustache was victorious and walked over to the table to serve them.

"What can I get you huns?" the waitress spoke.

"I'd like your naruto, please," Sakura stated.

"I'd like some naruto as well," Sasuke said.

"Me too!" Naruto exclaimed. "I want to know what I taste like!"

"Naruto sounds good," Kakashi remarked.

"I'll have the naruto as well," Neji spoke.

"Same here," Shikamaru spoke. "It would be far to troublesome to eat anything else."

"Naruto, please," Tenten replied.

"I'll try some naruto, too," Ino spoke, squeezing her breasts in front of Sasuke.

"Naruto," Kiba replied.

"N-naruto, p-please," Hinata stuttered, looking down, secretly at the lump in Naruto's pants that showed where his penis was located.

"Naruto, or I'll kill you with my sand," Gaara harshly replied.

"Naruto, or I'll send my bugs after you," Shino replied, trying to beat Gaara.

"Some youthful naruto, please!" Lee exclaimed.

"Whatever Lee eats, I eat," Gai replied.

"I'd like some naruto as well, please," Asuma replied.

"Same here, please," Kurenai said.

"Okay, so that's seventeen orders of naruto," the waitress spoke. "I'll be right back, you huns."

"You better make that eighteen orders of naruto," Ninja Bunny said, magically appearing and taking the empty chair. Since he became Hokage everyone knew who he was so an introduction to everyone and anyone was unnecessary

"Congratulations!" The waitress exclaimed. "You, Ninja Bunny, are our 1,000,000th customer! You have one the grand prize of a brand new mansion!"

"What the fuck!" Sasuke exclaimed. "You haven't even had fifty customers!"

"That's what they want you to think," the waitress replied. "Now, Ninja Bunny, would you like your naruto to go so we can immediately fly you to your new mansion. It is on an island off of the village hidden in the waves."

"Sure," Ninja Bunny replied. "But can all of my friends here accompany me?"

"Why not," the waitress replied. "After all, you ARE the Hokage."

"Okay then," Ninja Bunny replied. "When can we leave?"

"Now," the waitress replied. "There is a jet plane waiting as we speak."

"What about my awesome limousine?" the new Hokage spoke. "I just finished fixing it. Can the jet take it as well?"

"Most certainly," the mustached woman said. "I'll go fetch all you huns your naruto so you can eat on the go." With that she left.

Ninja Bunny then took a moment to view his surroundings. But of course, he knew everyone there because he's awesome. Upon further investigation, however, he realized that Naruto's arm was missing.

"Naruto, what happened to your arm?" Ninja Bunny questioned.

"The red haired dude next to you tore it off," Naruto replied.

"Well you can't just leave it like that," the Hokage replied. "Here, I'll perform a jutsu to have your arm instantly grow back."

Ninja Bunny started moving his paws in various formations, then placed them upon the bloody stub that Naruto had left for an arm. Green and violet chakra came out of the rabbits paws in erupting amounts. Within mere seconds the fox boy whose inner demon's healing should have, but did not, given him a new had a new arm from the almighty Ninja Bunny.

A single minute later, the waitress returned and gave them all their naruto- to- go.

"Please follow me and I shall escort you huns to your jet plane," she spoke. "And Ninja Bunny, your limousine has already been loaded."

With that, they all followed the waitress to the jet plane, including Neji whom was perfectly sane now. But something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. The only thing was that Gaara couldn't place his finger on it.

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Meanwhile, in the jungle on the island that Naruto and the others were about to leave, several cries could be heard. But the cries were not cries that you might expect from within a jungle, such as sex moans. Instead they were something no one would ever expect from within a savage jungle. They were cries of fear. I mean, cries of fear are for when you're trapped in a closet and the Kool Aid man is on the other side of the door, not for when you're in a savage jungle!

Several orange blurred figures jumped from spot to spot. They were small, but they were the top predators on the island. And their prey were two ninja from the Village Hidden in the Sand. Kankuro and Temari.

"Okay, this is not fucking funny," Kankuro whined. He had wet himself six times now within the last five minutes.

"Pull yourself together!" Temari hollered. "And stop peeing your damn pants! You're making it smell foul!"

"But the foxes are going to kill us!" the puppet master whined. "They already got our sensei!"

"Yeah, they did," Temari stated. "But since they got him their bellies will be full for a while."

"But he can't feed all of them!" Kankuro shouted. "There are thousands of them!"

Then, from a tree branch, a red fox jumped down and attacked the two with vicious fangs and abnormally long claws.

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"Hey Gaara," Neji spoke to his new friend. "What's wrong? You don't seem like yourself."

"Oh, nothing," Gaara replied. "I'm just getting this feeling as though something is wrong."

"It is probably nothing," Neji said.

"Yeah, I bet you're right," Gaara spoke.

Then the boarding stairs for the plane was lowered and the eighteen, nineteen if you include Kiba's little doggy, boarded the plane. The plane was a whole lot bigger than Ninja Bunny's limo, but it wasn't even close to being as nice. But still, it was nice all the same. It had seats bigger the beds and a few high definition televisions, so it was pretty darn good.

By now it was already nighttime and everyone got ready to call it a day and go to sleep right after they ate their naruto. Everyone had their own sleeping area, and Sakura made sure Kakashi was far away from her while Sasuke made sure that the fucking whore Ino was as far away from him as possible.

The plane wasn't scheduled to reach Ninja Bunny's new mansion until 11 o'clock a.m. the preceding morning. Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, and Neji went to sleep after eating but the others stayed up a little later before hitting the hay. To keep warm they all had their own blankets.

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Sakura's emerald eyes flickered open as the warm rays of sunlight tickled her face. It was now early morning and Sakura was the first one to wake up. She sat up and stretched her arms out, followed by her legs.

They young kunoichi felt a warm object brush against her feet. It was just the right temperature to be someone else's skin. The girl hurriedly looked around, discovery that Kakashi was quit a distance away, as well as Sasuke.

She eerily cranked her head only to see spiky blonde hair poking out of the same blanket that she was under.

"Naruto, you bastard!" Sakura roared. "What the hell do you think you're doing!"

Naruto hastily jumped out from under the blanket, revealing the fact that he was completely nude.

"Woah, woah!" Naruto yelled. "I swear I didn't do anything! Gaara dared me to do it! I swear he did!"

"You're telling me that Gaara dared you to sleep with me while you were NAKED!" Sakura roared.

"Well, not the naked part," Naruto replied. "I just wanted to try that out to see how it felt."

"Just put some damn clothes on!" Sakura yelled.

"Okay, okay, okay!" Naruto cried. "Which reminds me; my only pair of boxers that I brought are still under the blanket."

"And why in fucking hell do you only have one pair of boxers!" Sakura hissed. "That is completely disgusting!"

"So I under- pack! Whoopdie doo!" Naruto spoke. "Just give me my boxers or do you want be to stay nude right in front of you!"

Sakura threw the blanket up, snatched Naruto's boxers, then chucked them at the blonde. Naruto hastily put them on then walked over to his own sleeping area.

_Naruto is a complete fucking bastard!_ Sakura furiously thought. _I wish I could just kill that damn kid!_

After about ten or fifteen minutes, Hinata came and walked over to Sakura. She was doing her usual thing with her two index fingers; pressing them together.

"Oh, hi Hinata," Sakura greeted her fellow kunoichi.

"H-hi," Hinata stuttered. "I w-wanted to ask y-you s-something."

"Hit me," Sakura replied.

"W-well, did y-you see… did you s-see N-Naruto's… th-thing?"

"You mean his penis?" Sakura questioned, realizing that Hinata had observed her quarrel with the hyper- active blonde ninja.

"Y-yes," Hinata answered. "D-did you s-see it?"

"Yeah," Sakura replied. "What about it?"

"W-well," Hinata started, "was it _big_?"

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**A/N: This may be hard to believe, but to tell the truth the main story line hasn't even started yet, and will most likely start next chapter. There is a specific, important reason why this fic is called 'Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers', and this reason will become evident soon. Wait, you say, why am I telling you this now? Well, to answer that question, Ninja Bunny's new mansion will be the location of the main plot of the story. Sorry, but I ain't gonna say any more.**

**Now about this chapter. My sister was the one to force me to make Hinata ask Sakura at the end and all that shit, so I was NOT the one who came up with that, just to let you know. Hn. Originally, this chapter wasn't funny at all so I had to add some parts to it and attempt to spice it up, but I honestly think that I didn't do that great of a job. I really appreciate you for reading and please review. Yes, you too, read-n-review! Hn. Remember, the 153rd reviewer gets to be in the end of chapter special as well as some others! I don't feel like retyping it so I'll just copy and paste the original one. **

**I was going to have the end of chapter special in this chapter, but then I decided to make it in the next chapter. Please don't kill me! I'll tell you what it is going to be about anyway; it shall be about how I killed the Kool Aid man (remember; from the other note at the end of chapter 14). The reason why I am postponing it is because I want some of you, my faithful readers, to be in it. The person who gives me my 153rd review will automatically be in the end of chapter special. Why 153, you ask? I honestly don't know, I just picked a number at random. If you do happen to be the one who gives this fic its 153rd review I will send you a form making sure that you want to be in the end of chapter special and that asks what you want your role to be. But never fear; even if you are not the one who gives this story its 153rd review you still have a chance of being in the end of chapter special! I will pick two additional people at random that have reviewed this chapter and put them in the end of chapter special as well. I will also send these two people a form confirming that they are willing to be in the end of chapter special and asking them what they want their role to be. If this chapter gets over 153 reviews then I will pick three people at random as well as the 153rd reviewer to be in the end of chapter special and if this fic reaches its 160th reviewer then I will pick 6, yes 6, people at random to be in the end of chapter special as well as the 153rd reviewer. So the more reviews this fic gets the better your chance of being in the end of chapter special is! **

**Please review and thanks for reading all of what you've read and please continue to read!**


	16. Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers Written by: Crack God 

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters. I don't even own Ninja Bunny 'cause he was the rabbit in volume two that Naruto accidentally attacked. Sometimes I wish I owned it, but I don't. But then again, my sister is trying to marry the creator, Kishimoto, so you never know… I just might inherit a small percentage of it… **

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a really loooooong time! But I promise that this chapter will finally have the End of Chapter Special. Oh, and this chapter will be the last chapter for the introduction. It probably won't be as humorous as I'd like it to be but I'll try to juice it up with some random shit. And if the humor in this chapter is unsatisfying to you, never fear for the End of Chapter Special shall fulfill your appetite for the chapter.**

In the previous chapter: Ninja Bunny's New Mansion

Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi, Asuma, Ino, Choji, Shikamaru, Gai, Lee, Tenten, Neji, Kurenai, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, and Gaara left the freezer room to go get something to eat. They all ordered naruto from the restaurant when suddenly Ninja Bunny appeared and somehow was the restaurant's millionth customer so Ninja Bunny won a new mansion. Then the waitress prepared their food as a jet was readied to take all of them to the mansion. In the waiting time, Ninja Bunny made Naruto's arm grow back. Then they all boarded the jet plane and headed to Ninja Bunny's new mansion. But something seemed strange to Gaara, but he simply shrugged it off. Mean while, blood thirsting foxes were chasing Temari and Kankuro. The foxes had already killed their sensei. Then back on the plane everyone got ready to sleep, Sakura being one of the first to do so. When the pink haired kunoichi awoke, she found a nude Naruto sleeping with her. After chasing him away, Hinata came over to Sakura. The white eyed girl then asked if Naruto's was big. (p.s. My sister made that last part, NOT me!)

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**Chapter Sixteen (Chapter 16) **

**Chapter title: Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers**

This chapter is dedicated to: Rolland, read-n-review, The warmth of the Afterglow, and sentbyangels13

Now on with this new installment!

**A/N: The beginning of this fic my sister forced me to write… again. After the Sasuke and Naruto incident part is when my own writing starts. My part starts when it's in Kakashi's head. **

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"Umm," Sakura started," well… It was… err. I guess I didn't get that great of a look to tell you."

"O- okay," Hinata stuttered. "Th- that's fine, S- Sakura. I d- didn't mean t- to m-make you uncomfortable. S- sorry."

"It's okay, Hinata," Sakura reassured. "I'm just sorry I couldn't help."

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Meanwhile, a certain blonde male was walking into the men's bathroom. To his surprise, however, someone else was already in there.

And that person wasn't using the facilities. (No, you sickos! I didn't mean it like that! Or did I? Okay, honestly, I did NOT mean it that way! . .. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. . . . . . .. But I did purposely use that choice of words to make you think that.)

Sasuke was leaning against the wall. His eyes were dead on looking at Naruto. (No! I didn't mean it like that! I'll just change it!) Ahem, what it was suppose to be was: Sasuke was casually leaning against the bathroom wall. The only thing that wasn't casual was the fact that his fists were clenched. Everything else was perfectly casual… that is besides that his sharigan eyes were glaring dead on at Naruto. (Yes, that's what I meant! At least that's what I think I thought it meant in thinking of what I thought of thinking… okay, I'm confused now so I'll just get back to the story.)

"What the mother fucking fuck is your fucking problem!" Sasuke roared at his teammate. "Why in hell did you fucking sleep fucking nude with MY fuckin- err, I mean my wonderful Sakura, you fucking bastard!"

Naruto just stood there for a moment. "Umm, Sasuke," Naruto started," where are your clothes? And where's your hair?"

Sasuke quickly put the hand that had a razor inserted in it behind his back. He had completely forgot why he was in the bathroom until Naruto just spoke. Heck, he didn't even know he was nude.

"Umm, I, err, look! A gay man!" Sasuke shouted. Naruto instantly shrieked and hid in the stall and Sasuke climbed up the wall and on to the ceiling will supernatural powers. Then the Uchiha crawled his way out of the bathroom and put some clothes on.

Then Sasuke climbed on to the ceiling once more and crawled back to the bathroom. Once he was in he jumped back down to the floor and came face to face with Naruto once again.

This time, however, Naruto was on the toilet.

"Sasuke, what are you doing?" Naruto asked in a creeped- out tone of voice.

As soon as Sasuke had realized what he had just done he quickly exited the stall, more furious than ever.

_Dammit!_ Sasuke thought. _No wonder why Sakura slept with a naked Naruto! His **thing** was huge! It was like a UFO man! It scary to a monster degree!_

With that the Uchiha fainted out of fear, disappointed, fear, fear, and something else commonly known with three simple letters; PMS. (Once again, just kidding. Although Sasuke really did faint, but just from fear basically. Oh, and my sister is still forcing me to write this shit. This very scary shit.)

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Everyone was acting lively on the jet plane. Sakura had consumed eight glasses of wine and was now flirting with Rock Lee. Shikamaru was dancing to 'Shake That' with Akamaru. Kiba was looking for trees to climb and repeatedly saying 'Jeepers, Batman! Bat-thumb and Blue Jay are wickedly hipster- like!' Ino was stroking Choji's, err, don't make me say it! Hinata was grooming Naruto's hair… his lower hair. Kurenai and Asuma were engaged in hard core sex in a closet while Gai was looking for his little pet lamb to use as toilet paper. Shino was screaming in pain because a bug came out of his nose, then his eye, and lastly his… you know what else. Neji was using his byakugan to look into a certain closet. Tenten was going bulimic and was puking up her breakfast inside Gaara's gourd. Ninja Bunny was just lying down. And Gaara was pretending to be a pikachu.

Yep. It was just a normal day. That is except for two things. One; Sasuke was no where to be seen. And two; Kakashi sensei wasn't doing drugs. Oh god no! Kakashi's not doing drugs! The world will surely come to an end. But then… something happened.

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Nothingness. Zip. Nadda. Completely empty.

Until…

A massive explosion of brutally intense heat ignited through the emptiness. Light shown from every direction in blurs of bursting remnants. The dawn of a new life shown.

"Kakashi," a voice called out. "What the mother fucking hell are you doing? Why are you just standing there? Where are your drugs? Why aren't you high?"

"I- I don't know," Kakashi replied stupidly.

"Well, then. We have a problem here," the voice continued. "What you need is a laboratory. I have a feeling that you could create the most beautiful drugs the world has ever snuffed if you had the right equipment."

"Are you serious!" Kakashi sensei exclaimed. "My life long dream has always been to breed new species of drugs!"

"That's the spirit!" the voice chuckled. "I shall provide all of the equipment that you shall need as long as you can find a secret location for the laboratory. I'll know when you have found a secure location."

"You're awesome!" Kakashi shouted. "But I have one question. Who are you?"

"I am God," the voice answered.

"Really?" Kakashi sensei gasped.

"Actually, no," the voice replied. "I am really the Golden Buddha."

"Really?" Kakashi gasped again.

"No," the voice spoke. "I actually really am God."

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"I'm going to make drugs!" Kakashi exclaimed. And then the sliver haired jonin snuck of to find a location for his new laboratory.

Soon Ninja Bunny got up and left.

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Sasuke's eyes slowly opened as he regained consciousness. Leaning over him was Sakura, now sober.

"Sasuke!" Sakura cried. "Are you okay? What happened to you?"

"I- I saw _it_," Sasuke replied.

Sakura leaned closer towards Sasuke until…

"AIKGHBFHHJBFGHBNFMBFHHYBYJBUTJKJYtoogkvfntv,m h rtjiuuivm;lihryjb;myth,bnj," Sasuke screamed in pain. "What the mother fuck did you do that fucking for you fucker!"

Sakura looked down, seeing that the kunai she just so happened to be holding in her hand had pierced in between Sasuke's legs.

"Oh! I'm so sorry Sasuke!" Sakura pleaded. "Hurry! We must take a look at it and measure the full extent of the damage!"

"I'm not taking my pants off until you take your dress off!" Sasuke argued.

"Fine!" Sakura hurriedly agreed. With that she took her dress off and managed to get Sasuke out of his pants.

But Sakura… her breasts were huge! Or, at least that's what Sasuke thought but he was loosing a lot of blood so he could have just been hallucinating. Or was he?

"Here," Sakura spoke. "I'll heal it with my chakra."

Sakura reached her hand out and moved it towards Sasuke's injury.

Footsteps were heard and suddenly Ninja Bunny walked into the bathroom.

"What the hell is happening?" Ninja Bunny calmly asked.

"Umm, we're… having sex," Sakura lied.

"Oh, okay," Ninja Bunny replied, then left.

Both Sasuke and Sakura breathed a sigh of relief. Then they continued to heal the injury.

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Soon the jet plane pulled into its destination and landed. All of the passengers, Sasuke now fully healed, unloaded off of the plane. They had reached Ninja Bunny's new mansion.

The mansion was huge, to put it bluntly. It only had five floors but each floor had an area of over 8,000,000 square feet. And the property around the mansion wasn't bad either. It had 500 acres of land, partly wooded, partly fields, partly drug gardens.

Then they walked up the driveway, oohing and ahhing at the scenery. Then they reached the doors, which swung open, revealing Anko.

"What are you doing here, Anko?" Kakashi asked in shock.

A smile spread across Anko's face. "I'm here for the games," Anko spoke. "Although I really won't be participating myself. I'm just here as a helper and a judge."

"Anko!" Ninja Bunny whined. "Don't tell them anything else! At least wait until we get inside."

"Oh, sorry Lord Hokage," Anko apologized.

"Hey, what's going on?" Sakura questioned.

"Oh, well, you see since I have a new mansion and all I thought that it would be entertaining to have a competition between all of you," Nina Bunny replied. "Last night I called Anko and she was near here so I asked if she wanted to be a judge and she agreed."

"Oooh! Oooh! What kind of competition?" Naruto shouted, jumping up and down.

"A group competition," Ninja Bunny answered. "I'll get into greater detail once we get inside."

With that everyone reluctantly followed Ninja Bunny into the mansion, Anko closing the door behind them. Once they reached an empty room (still on the first floor) they stopped.

Before them were three numbers painted on the floor: One, two, and three. Behind the painted numbers were three doors that were parallel from the numbers.

"As I just said, I have brought you here for a group competition," Ninja Bunny spoke. "There will be three groups. The three groups will compete against each other by trying to be the first to complete various tasks. Every day you will get a new task and on the preceding morning the group that completed the task first will be declared the winner. The rules are fairly simple. Each group starts out with 10 points. Every time a group completes a task first that group gains one point. Every time a group is not the first group to complete a task that group loses two points. If two groups complete a task at the same time no points will be awarded and the other group will lose three points. If all of the groups complete the same task at the same time then no points will be awarded or taken away. If your group reaches zero points or below zero points then one member of that group will randomly be dropped out of the competition and will have no chance of winning the grand prize even if their group wins in the end. After a group loses a member that group's points will raise to five points. If all members of a group are dropped out then that group officially loses. The remaining members of the last group left win a marvelous prize that you'll have to wait to see what it is until the end. If you need to refer back to the rules at any given time talk to either me or Anko."

"Yeah, and I'm the judge," Anko spoke. "I declare the winner of each task and chose who is dropped out if a group's amount of points reaches zero or below. I'm also the helper. If you are having problems with a task or something else just come see me and I _might_ help you. Any questions?"

"How many people are in each group?" Sasuke asked.

"The number varies by quite a bit," Anko answered. "The difference may seem unfair, but if you work with the people in your group well then everything will be just fine. We chose the groups based under which of three personalities you resemble the most, mainly so you can work better with your group members. One group has as little as five members. Any other questions?"

"How long will these troublesome competitions last?" Shikamaru asked.

"The exact time is unknown," Anko replied. "But it should take at least a fear more months. Oh, which reminds me. This competition counts as an A class mission. Even if you are the first person to drop out it'll still count as passing the mission, but you won't get any other award. Any other questions?"

No one replied, so Anko assumed there would be no more questions.

Suddenly the doors flung open, revealing Temari and Kankuro outside. Slowly they stepped in and closed the doors behind them. Their clothes were tattered and Kankuro smelled really bad, but besides that they were fine. Then they walked over to the others.

"Oh, Kankuro and Temari!" Anko exclaimed. "I was wondering when you two would show up. You do remember the rules that I already told you, right?"

"Yeah, yeah," Temari answered. "We remembered."

"Okay then," Anko spoke. "I will now put you in your following groups. When I call your name I will also say a number. Once I say your name and number please walk over and stand by stand by the corresponding number that is painted on the floor."

Anko reached into her pack and pulled out a scroll that had everyone's name on it along with their pre- chosen number. Then she started reading the scroll.

"Gai- number two."

Gai sensei walked over two the painted two, saying something to Lee about the how the power of youth would let them be together.

"Lee- number two."

Lee joyfully hopped over and stood by his sensei.

"Tenten- number three."

Tenten calmly walked over to the painted number three and stood there.

"Neji- number one."

The Hyuga boy walked over to his corresponding number.

"Temari- number three."

The blonde sand kunoichi walked to the number three and growled at Tenten, who did the same.

"Kankuro- number two."

Kankuro then walked over and emotionlessly stood by Lee and Gai.

"Gaara- number two."

Gaara waked over to painted two and menacingly glared at Lee.

"Asuma- number one."

The cigarette smoking ninja walked over and stood by Neji.

"Ino- number three."

The blonde whore- whoops, I mean the blonde slut- err, the blonde female walked over and stood by the other two girls.

"Choji- number three."

Choji walked as slow as he possibly could over to the girls.

"Shikamaru- number one."

The lazy ninja walked over and stood by his sensei.

"Kurenai- number three."

The female sensei walked over and stood on the painted three.

"Kiba- number two."

The dog loving ninja quickly jogged over to the other number two members.

"Shino- number two."

The bug using ninja paced over to his fellow male teammate.

"Hinata- number three."

Hinata nervously walked over to the painted number three.

"Kakashi- number one."

The drug addicted sensei coolly walked over to Asuma, Neji, and Shikamaru.

"Sasuke- number two."

The Uchiha walked over to the other members of group two.

"Naruto- number one."

Naruto clumsily walked over to his sensei.

"Sakura- number three."

Sakura walked over to all of the other girls- as well as Choji.

"Now that all of you have been placed with your groups, your rooms are parallel to the doors behind you," Ninja Bunny spoke.

"What!" Naruto yelled. "You have a fucking mansion and you make us share a room with all of our group members!"

"Well, the other areas of the mansion are needed for other things," Ninja Bunny replied. "And each of those doors don't lead to a room. They lead to a hallway with three rooms, so you'll still have to share rooms. I'll let your groups decide who gets what room. I'm sorry for the space constraints, but you'll later see why. The tasks start tomorrow so that today you can just settle in."

"Hmph!" Naruto 'spoke' if that's what you call speaking.

"Oh, wait!" Ninja Bunny exclaimed. "I have one more thing. I still have to tell you the names of the groups. Group number three is the Lovers. Group number two is the Freaks. And group one is the Perverts."

"What! How am I a pervert?" Naruto yelled.

"Shut up, Naruto," Kakashi whispered to his student. "Perverts are good things."

"Really? I'm a pervert! Yay!" Naruto exclaimed as loud as he could.

After about ten minutes with everyone staring at Naruto as if he was the retard he really is they opened the doors and started to pick their rooms. Sasuke, however, was out of it and didn't realize that he was in the 'Freaks' group.

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It was and ordinary summer morning. Crack God had woken up early to type up his fics and had just finished a chapter. Suddenly a door slammed shut. It was Saskura- Chan (Crack God's sister. Oh, and no I do not talk about myself in third-person. I'm just doing that now because I'm using my screen name and not my real name. ).

It seemed that Crack God's sister was PMSing. But then again, she always acted like she was. There would be maybe one day a month that she wouldn't be grouchy. Oh well. This morning she would be leaving with her parents, leaving Crack God all alone to fend off any gay stalkers by himself. And this would be a difficult task for Crack God. He was so afraid of the gay people that it would be hard for him to be close enough to get a good kick on them. But even touching them would be a difficult task. Hopefully, however, they wouldn't show up.

Everything was just going fine. Crack God logged into the wireless Internet across the street and posted the new chapter. He replied to all of his reviewers, including one of his favorite readers; The warmth of the Afterglow. Another one of his favorite readers, read-n-review, had reviewed as well. But of course, Crack God was using Read-n-Review's weaknesses against her. By simply putting the word 'read' in the same sentence with the word 'review' read-n-review was forced to review.

Crack God's other sister, the one that has her birthday on the same day as Rock Lee's, would be visiting later that afternoon. She was no where near as crazy as Saskura- Chan, thankfully. One Saskura- Chan was more than enough!

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Someone was knocking on the door so Crack God ran downstairs and opened. Not exactly the smartest thing to do. Suddenly he was sucked into another dimension, hit his head, and fell unconscious. Or did he? Actually, he did.

Crack God's eyes slowly flickered open and he awoke upon a hard wooden floor.

"Crack God's just woken up," a female's voice spoke off from a little bit away.

"Good," another girl's voice spoke. "Hopefully he can tell us what happened."

"Hopefully he can," another voice spoke, this one from a male. This voice, however, Crack God recognized. It was Rolland's voice. Crack God and Rolland had had a few classes together in the seventh grade and used to sit near each other at lunch.

"Crack!" Kakashi's voice exclaimed. "Can Crack God make me some more crack now?"

"Kakashi!" Rolland yelled. "I already told you that Crack God is not associated with drugs! To him the word 'crack' means randomness, so technically he is Randomness God."

"I want my crack!" Kakashi whined.

Crack God picked himself the hard floor and stood up. Just a few feet in front of him were Kakashi and Rolland, as well as two girls that he had never met.

"Hi, Crack God," one of the girls said. "I'm read-n-review."

"Yeah, and I'm The warmth of the Afterglow," the one who you could assume was The warmth of the Afterglow spoke. "We all got sucked into this different dimension and were wondering if you could tell us what happened."

"I don't even know what happened," Crack God replied. "Maybe someone is just making this up as they go along."

"That would make sense," Rolland stated.

"CRACK!" Kakashi yelled.

"Umm, why is Kakashi here?" Crack God asked.

"Because he is," Read-n-Review replied with her eyes menacingly wide open. "Six, six, six. The Hauntings of a Crack Kind. Six, six, six. The hot bowls of ramen shall kill us all."

"Hmm," Rolland spoke. "That seems like I've read that somewhere… But where?"

"That was in my fanfiction story, you dumb- ass," read-n-review replied.

"Ouch!" Sasuke's voice screamed as the Uchiha jumped out of the ceiling.

"What's wrong, Sasuke?" Kakashi asked.

"My penis is hurting because somebody was stupid enough to make a fic where Sakura accidentally stabbed me in the penis with a kunai knife!"

"Hmm, that seems vaguely familiar, now that you mention it," Crack God spoke.

"Wait a minute. If Kakashi's here and Sasuke's here, then that must mean that…," The warmth of the Afterglow started. "Then it must mean that Ninja Bunny's here, too! WHERE'S MY NINJA BUNNY! I WANT TO PET THE AWESOME NINJA BUNNY!"

"C- calm down," Crack God spoke. "I'll just make him appear th- then."

Suddenly Ninja Bunny hopped out of the floor.

"Ninja Bunny!" The warmth of the Afterglow shrieked. "I like so loooooooove you!"

With that The warmth of the Afterglow ran over to Ninja Bunny as hugged him as tight as she possibly could.

"C- can't breathe!" Ninja Bunny managed to cough out, but The warmth of the Afterglow didn't hear.

When The warmth of the Afterglow finally let go of Ninja Bunny the rabbit was of the verge of death.

"Ohmigod!" The warmth of the Afterglow screamed. "Who did this to you, Ninja Bunny?"

No one replied. But then suddenly the rabbit got up and was perfectly fine.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Kakashi was the one to get the door. This time it was Neji and a young blonde girl who was 13 years of age and known as sentbyangels13.

"Hi, Neji, and err, whoever you are," Kakashi replied.

"WHERE'S CRACK GOD!" the blonde girl yelled. "Oh, and hi Kakashi. My name is sentbyangels13."

With that sentbyangels13 skipped inside, only to see Crack God and start attacking him for an unknown reason…

"What did I do this time!" Crack God whined.

"YOU MADE NARUTO'S ARM GET TORN OFF!" sentbyangels13 hollered.

"But I made it come back!" Crack God protested.

"Well… err… well… fine! I'm sorry!" sentbyangels13 spoke. "But where are we?"

Before Crack God could answer, the ground violently shook. They were the footsteps. The footsteps of the most feared thing in the universe.

Suddenly the wall shattered and debris flew everywhere.

"Oh yeah!" the kool aid man spoke. "OOOOOOOH YYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Neji and Crack God screamed at the same time, then hid behind a magical sofa the just appeared.

Soon Crack God got brave enough to take a peek at the scene. But then the horror only got worst.

Lee and Gai were inside the kool aid man… mating! Oh the damn horror! Or at least he thought they were mating… the white liquid inside the kool aid man was so thick it was hard to tell exactly what they were doing.

"Hurry, we must save Neji and Crack God!" sentbyangels13 yelled.

"I'll try to trip the kool aid man!" read-n-review replied.

With that the showdown started. It was read-n-review against the kool aid man.

"Prepared to be tripped!" read-n-review yelled.

"Oh yeah?" the kool aid man asked.

"Yeah," read-n-review replied, her eyes narrowing. "So is that the only thing you can say; 'oh yeah'?"

"Oh yeah," the kool aid man answered.

"You make me sick," read-n-review growled.

With that read-n-review and the kool aid man dramatically leapt into the air. A kunai suddenly appeared in the kool aid man's hand and he threw it at his opponent. But read-n-review cleverly dodged the assault and landed on her feet, as so did the kool aid man.

"What level of ninja are you?" read-n-review asked.

"Oh yeah!" the kool aid man replied, pulling out a head band from Iwa, the village hidden in the stones.

Then the kool aid man charged. But read-n-review was too smart to fall for that trick. She simply stepped to the side and tripped the giant bowl of punch.

"Oh no!" the kool aid man screamed.

"Haha!" read-n-review laughed. "You finally said 'oh no' instead of the damnable 'oh yes'! Mwahaahhahahahahahahahaahahhahaahahahhahaha!"

But while read-n-review was laughing, she herself ended up tripping as well. And with that she landed in the white mess that the kool aid man had made when he tripped and spilled.

"Hurry, kill him someone!" The warmth of the Afterglow cried.

Rolland tried to move, but his feet had been stuck in the white substance.

Hastily getting into action, sentbyangels13 hurriedly glanced around. She grabbed the nearest thing to her, which just so happened to be Neji, and threw it at the kool aid man.

Crack!

The kool aid man cracked instantaneously from Neji falling on top of him, and then rolling off into the sticky white substance. Lee and Gai also rolled away into the substance.

The kool aid man was dead.

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**A/N: And that's the end of this chapter as well as the end of chapter special. But don't worry, I'll have more end of chapter specials and the next one will continue where this one left off. Wow. This has to be my longest update EVER. I have this on Microsoft word with size 10 font and it is almost eleven pages long! Well, I hope you liked it, so please review and continue to read! Review and read! Review and read! You too, read-n-review! **

Preview Summary for next chapter:

Chapter title: Task One: Anaconda or Ana-condom?

Part of the first task is to figure out what the task is. But when Neji deciphers it down to two possibilities, someone is going to have to make out with an anaconda or an ana- condom.


	17. Task One: Anaconda or Anacondom?

**Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers**

Written by: Crack God

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters. That is except Hinata, of course. Yeah, that's right; I legally own Hinata now so eat that! (P.S. Hinata is the name of my new pet dog, so I actually don't own Hinata in Naruto)**

**A/N: Sorry for not updating for a while, I guess. I mean, I dislike this fic quite a bit because I hardly get any reviews. Hn. And in a weird to keep people interested at the end of the chapter I'll post a list of things that could be in my fic and I want you to tell me which ones you like. Whatever. On with the chapter! (Yeah, I'm getting tired of recaps so I'm not typing them anymore.) **

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**Chapter Seventeen (Chapter 17) **

**Chapter Title- Task One: Anaconda or Ana-condom**

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Picking a room seemed like a meaningless bore to do. But soon everyone was obsessing over every little detail. Kakashi's original choice was soon abandoned after he found out that the temperature in his room was 75.00000000000000001 degrees Fahrenheit, which was exactly .00000000000000001 degrees to high for his silver hair to remain the perfect shade of silver. Sasuke left his original room after he discovered that a hair from a platypus was laying one of the beds (Later to be revealed as Gai and Lee's armpit hair clipping). And Tenten, she left her room after she found that the damn whore, Ino, was inside sun bathing (with no clothes or sun for some odd reason).

But eventually everything was settled out in the end. For the lovers group, Tamari and Kurenai shared a room- Hinata, Sakura, and Tenten roomed together- and Ino and Choji had the last room. For the freaks group, Kiba, Akamaru, and Kankuro were together- Shino was by himself- and Gai sensei, Lee, Gaara, and Sasuke all shared the last the room. And for the perverts, Asuma roomed by himself- Kakashi was alone as well- and Neji, Shikamaru and Naruto were all in the last room.

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Inside Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten's room

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"So then, since we're all in the lovers group, we all must love someone, so who do you love?" Sakura asked. "I love Sasuke. You can go next, Hinata."

"W-well, I g-guess that I l-l-love, w-well, you kn-know," Hinata stuttered. "N-naruto."

"Acceptance is the first step, Hinata. Now you got to go show your love to him, so go out there and plow him," Sakura said. "Tenten, you're next."

"Well, let's see… I like Kakashi, Kiba, Shino, Naruto, Sasuke, and Shikamaru," Tenten spoke, "but I absolutely looooooooooooooooooooove Neji! He's like a dream boat!"

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Inside Kurenai and Tamari's room

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"So then… you're from sand?" Kurenai asked, trying to start up a conversation.

"Yep," Tamari answered, ending that conversation quickly.

"So… where's your sensei then?" Kurenai asked.

"The foxes on the other island ate him," Tamari replied.

"So… do you like… clothes?" Kurenai asked.

"Maybe," Tamari answered.

"Whore," Kurenai 'coughed' quietly.

"Oh, so you're a whore too! Ohmigod! I'm a whore! This is like so totally awesome!" Tamari said, finally started up a decent conversation.

"You really are one too? I'm a whore! This is sooo awesome!" Kurenai replied.

And with that they discussed how whorish they were while stripping to 'Shake That' by Eminem and selling the sex tapes on the Internet.

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Inside Choji and Ino's room

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"Ohmigod! Purple is so your color, Choji!" Ino screeched as she was painting the pleasantly plumb child's toenails.

"Really? I so totally think so to, girlfriend!" Choji shrieked. "But let's try a lushes pink to like make sure it is like so totally like awesome!"

"Yeah! That is like so totally like sweet! You are like so fabulous, Choji!" Ino spoke, now reaching into her girly bag and pulling out a small pink container.

"Like ohmigod! I think that you're so totally fabulous too, Ino!" Choji exclaimed. And with that it was determined that Choji did not have a penis because it probably ran away to join the Broadway musical Cats.

**We interrupt this gay moment because the author is getting way to scared. Please enjoy the rest of the story. Cough-my-cough-sister-cough-again. **

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Shino's room

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"Yes you are the cutest wittle buggies in the whole wide world! Yes you are! Yes you are!" Shino squealed in his room, rubbing his cheeks up against several of his insects, accidentally squishing a few of them.

"Yes! Worship us, human! Worship us!" the bugs spoke back.

"I shall worship you cute little buggies forever!" Shino hollered back.

"That's good, now take off your pants." The bugs ordered.

"But someone might see me." Shino responded. And with that the bugs quickly hid the video camera they were using to record another sex tape for future purposes.

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Kiba, Akamaru, and Kankuro's room

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"God no!" Kankuro screamed. "Stop it! Stop it now!"

Kiba, ignoring Kankuro's pleads, continued to masturbate all over the carpet in the room. Akamaru appeared to be doing the same.

"But- oooooooooh– I– aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh- can't- yodvngbvhfjkg- stop!" Kiba moaned. "It feels way too- oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh- good!"

"MOOOOOO" Akamaru barked, appearing to be enjoying himself.

"Well I guess if you put it that way…" And with that spoken thought Kankuro joined them.

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Lee, Gai, Gaara, and Sasuke's room

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"FOR THE LAST TIME, GAI SENSEI! I WILL NOT STIP DANCE FOR YOU, YOU GAY UNICORN!" Sasuke roared.

"Pleeeeeeeeeease!" Lee pleaded.

"NO!" Sasuke yelled back.

"What about you, Gaara?" Gai sensei asked. "You look pretty darn smexy, if I don't say so myself."

"…" Gaara 'said'. "… What is strip dancing?"

"Let us demonstrate!" Lee and Gai shouted and they too also began to strip to 'Shake That' by Eminem while selling the sex tape on the Internet, except people weren't buying it.

Sasuke fainted at the scene and Gai and Lee stripped him finding 2 of Sakura's missing bras, a tampon, a trombone, and a disgruntled my little pony action figure in mint condition named Happy.

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Inside Asuma's room

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Asuma was smoking a cigarette while on the toilet.

The end.

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Inside Kakashi's room

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The high sensei was flipping through the pages of a playboy magazine. In his room he had discovered a secret door under a rug that lead to a secret room. This room would be his secret laboratory to carry out drug research and to create crossbreeds. The voice in his head that claimed to be 'god' had already provided Kakashi sensei with the equipment in order to do so.

But currently the high sensei wasn't down in there. He was just on his bed reading a playboy magazine. And not just any playboy magazine, it was the February 2007 edition so just try to beat that!

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Inside Shikamaru, Neji, and Naruto's room

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"I am not sleeping in the same room as you two losers!" Neji complained.

"This is way too troublesome," Shikamaru stated. "Why is our room the only room with two beds instead of three! And then neither Kakashi or Asuma won't let one of us in with them."

"Ramen!" Naruto randomly shouted. Well, it actually wasn't that random because he was cooking some ramen on the stove and it just got ready. The only problem was that he had put ten packs of ramen in a single pot, which exploded all over the room.

"NARUTO!" Neji yelled. "That's the sixth pot of ramen you made explode in the last half hour!"

"Ramen!" Naruto roared as he went around the room and slurped up all the ramen on the floor. But then he stopped once he reached a bed. "I want this bed!"

"No, that's my bed!" Neji yelled.

"No, it's mine!" Naruto retaliated.

"It's mine, dunce!"

"It is mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

In the end both Neji and Naruto wouldn't give in and ended up sleeping in the same bed, and Shikamaru, well he just slept in the bathroom for some unknown reason…_if you're driving a Chevy and you feel something heavy, diarrhea, diarrhea… or use your imagination to figure out what else…_

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(Oh, and yeah, every room has 3 beds except for Naruto, Neji, and Shikamaru's. Yes, that means Kakashi had three beds to himself, as well as Asuma and Shino. And yes, that also means that there was another bed short in Gai, Lee, Gaara, and Sasuke's room so Gai and Lee also slept in the same bed.-(with their arm pit clippings)-)

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Task One

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Naruto awoke to find Neji's foot in his face. And Neji awoke to find Naruto's foot in his face, as well as a lace bra that appeared to belong to Sakura.

_So this is why Naruto got put in the perverts group,_ Neji thought.

"Umm, Neji, why do you have Ino's bra?" Naruto asked as he rolled out of bed.

"What! I thought that is was yours!" Neji exclaimed, not knowing how weird that would sound until he was done saying it. "No, that's not what I meant! I thought that it was Sakura's bra and that you were borrowing it!"

Knock, knock, knock!

Someone was knocking on the door, but then apparently got tired of knocking and just came in. It was Anko.

"Have any of you seen a lace bra?" Anko asked. "I think I left mine in here."

"Holy shit, it's Anko's!" Neji exclaimed. "I'm keeping it!" He hastily grabbed it and secured it in his pants but soon realized he didn't have any on.

"Well, if you want it so bad you can keep it," Anko said. "Oh, and the first task is posted just outside of your room on a message board. Well, see you later." And with that she left, not noticing that there were only two beds in the room when there were three people. But then that could've been because Shikamaru was still in the bathroom…_if you're climbing a latter and you hear something splatter, diarrhea, diarrhea…_

After Neji carefully hid Anko's bra he found a pair of pants. After Shikamaru was out of the bathroom the three exited their room and checked the message board. It read:

**Today is the day for your first task. But part of the task is to figure out what the task is. To help you we are giving you the task with some letters missing in it. Here it is: Have one member of your group mk out with an anacond.**

"Well, that's not even troublesome to figure out," Shikamaru stated. "One of us has to make out with an anaconda."

"I'm afraid it isn't as simple as that," Kakashi spoke, walking out of his room and Asuma coming out of his own. "There is one other possibility that the task might be."

"Well spit it out then!" Naruto yelled.

"Alright then," Kakashi replied. "Making out with an anaconda is a possibility, but the other one, dare I say it, is to make out with an anacondom."

"An ana-what?" Naruto spoke; obviously confused, and so were his roommates.

"An anacondom," Kakashi replied. "You know, ana-condom."

Shikamaru and Neji mentally slapped themselves. It was pretty obvious. But Naruto still didn't get it.

"But what's a condom?" Naruto asked.

"You'll have to wait and find out in a few weeks," Kakashi replied. "That's when I'm required to teach you sex ed."

Before Naruto asked another 'what is' question, Kakashi and Asuma left to go look for an anaconda. And after an hour of just standing around and doing nothing, Naruto, Shikamaru, and Neji left to do the same. As well as the freaks group and the lovers group.

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As fast as the day began it had ended. Hopefully what Shikamaru had just made out with counted as either an anaconda or an anacondom, but with theses such things you never do really know…coughInocough… And then Sasuke had definitely found both an anaconda and an anacondom, but the question there was if what he had done to it was called 'making out'.

And Ino, she had made out with everything that she could find, but whether one of the things was an anaconda or anacondom was unknown. Three of Sakura's bras went missing and Tenten couldn't find her underwear but it was all good. Choji discovered the wonders of support, which was borrowed from his fellow girlfriends (wink wink). And for some disturbing reason Kiba and Akamaru conspicuously stayed in their room all day, but once again it was all good. So it was anyone's guess who had won when everyone went to sleep, Nartuto and Neji still in the same bed and Shikamaru still in the bathroom…_If you're hopping to a shop and you hear something plop, diarrhea, diarrhea…_

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**A/N: Wow. My sister once again made the weird stuff happen. I'll leave you to guess what she did this time, just guess. I don't have much more to say, except that Saskura-Chan and I are writing the funniest fic in the world together. It's called Naruto Uzumaki and the Sorcerer's Breasts. Just guess what is makes fun of. Coughharrycoughpottercough. If you don't want to search for it, just visit my author profile and it will be under my favorite stories. Thanks for reading and please review as well as read my fic that I'm writing with Saskua-Chan, and yes that means you too, read-n-review. Hah! Now that I made the words 'read' and 'review' stand out there's no way you won't be able to review, read-n-review. Mwahahahahahaha! **

**List of things I could add and I want you to tell me which ones are good**

**Weird things from Project Runway (Yeah, that weird fashion show with all the previews having this one guy saying 'Make it work' and 'Carry on'. And no, I don't watch it, I just saw the previews. Although I do have my sister tell me when the fifteen seconds of undressed female models starts…) **

**Put the judge who always sucks his cow back in it. **

**The fox who raped Naruto. **

**Sasuke stalking Sakura and I mean fucking stalking, with heat detection cameras and watching from under beds, in closets, with binoculars, hiding in her underwear drawer, and trying to rape her so basically shit like that (this idea was provided by Saskura-Chan who is writing a fic called My Sensei's a Pervert and Sasuke does stuff like that to Sakura so if you like that read it cuz it's really fucked up)**

**Suggestions are welcome as well. **


	18. Task Two: Sex Ed

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers Written by: Crack God 

A/N: I'm now going to have chapter recaps (again) but this time they'll be different from before. Each recap will be the last few paragraphs of the previous chapter (excluding any author notes). The recaps will also be in italics.

Recap:

_As fast as the day began it had ended. Hopefully what Shikamaru had just made out with counted as either an anaconda or an anacondom, but with theses such things you never do really know…coughInocough… And then Sasuke had definitely found both an anaconda and an anacondom, but the question there was if what he had done to it was called 'making out'._

_And Ino, she had made out with everything that she could find, but whether one of the things was an anaconda or anacondom was unknown. Three of Sakura's bras went missing and Tenten couldn't find her underwear but it was all good. Choji discovered the wonders of support, which was borrowed from his fellow girlfriends (wink wink). And for some disturbing reason Kiba and Akamaru conspicuously stayed in their room all day, but once again it was all good. So it was anyone's guess who had won when everyone went to sleep, Naruto and Neji still in the same bed and Shikamaru still in the bathroom…If you're hopping to a shop and you hear something plop, diarrhea, diarrhea…_

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Chapter Eighteen (Chapter 18)

Chapter Title: Task Two- Sex Ed; Part I

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The first elegantly glistening rays of sunlight poured through the open window in Naruto Uzamaki's room. The aroma of nearly cut grass and fresh pine wafted into the mansion. The cheerful songbirds sang harmonically a song of bursting life. Everything was perfect. Nothing at all in the universe could ruin this blissful moment… that is until Naruto heard grunts from the bathroom and realized that he was sleeping in the same bed with Neji Hyuga.

Or was he? Naruto rolled over, still half asleep, not feeling a crushed Hyuga underneath him. In fact, Neji wasn't even in the room. Had he become a mummy and been stuffed into the tiniest broom closet as in Bullwinkle's Boy's and Girls? No, he hadn't.

Instead, Neji Hyuga was outside. In the air. Experiencing the wonders of flight, moving his arms like a delicate Japanese crane. That is until he crashed into a tree and fell on his now crushed testicles. But it was all good. Or was it? Yeah, it was. In mere seconds his balls had been repaired in an odd way that kind of happened like this:

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Neji screeched at the top of his lungs.

_No! Neji! Your testicles!_ A voice inside Neji's head said. _You still need them to have hard core sex with Tenten. YOUR Tenten. Your PRECIOUS Tenten. Your EXTREMELY precious Tenten. Your extremely precious Tenten with HUGE JUGS! _

_But… how can they be fixed! _Neji cried back.

_I shall fix them for you so you can still someday have hot, hot sex with Tenten! _The voice replied.

And with that Neji's testicles were fixed. The End.

Morale of the previous few paragraphs involving Neji falling and crushing his testicles for guys: Do not, under any circumstance, go flying outside. You do present a risk of crashing into an object, fall down, and breaking your testicles. Do not fly outside unless you have a sexy, brown haired lover name Tenten that has huge jugs. Instead, please fly in doors. Girls, however, can fly wherever they wish since they do not have testicles. Thank you for listening.

And with that Neji flapped his arms and flew back in through the open window, gracefully crashed, and skidded across the hard, cold floor.

"Where have you been?" Naruto lazily asked, just opening his eyes.

"I was flying," Neji replied.

"Without any pants on?" Naruto questioned. Neji then realized that he really didn't have his pants on; he was only in his Ninja Bunny printed boxers. "Hey- you wear Ninja Bunny boxers too?"

"Well no duh!" Neji replied. "Only losers would wear something else. I guess you're not really that bad after all."

"Really!"

"Don't press your luck."

"Oww! I swear it is burning my ass off!" Shikamaru yelled from the bathroom, currently sitting on the toilet.

"So then…" Neji spoke. "I've just realized something. Nartuto."

"Well, I guess I do tend to toot a lot," Naruto acknowledged. "Anyway, do you think we won the first task?"

"No," Neji absentmindedly replied.

"Okay then," Naruto responded.

Once Shikamaru's burning ass got of the damn toilet, the three went outside to check the message board. Currently it was blank. And with that the left the hallway, looking for 'food'.

On their 'food' hunt, they came across everyone else in the mansion, who all just seemed to reach the same spot at the same time.

"Okay then, shut up you maggots!" Anko yelled. "I have an announcement to make! The winner of the first task has been decided. Would the following people please step forward: Ino, Gaara, Sasuke, and Shikamaru."

The four people who called stepped forward.

"Each of the four of you have done the best at this task, but only one has made their team win. But before we tell you the winner I shall tell you what the task really was: Have one member of your group make out with an anacondom. That was the task. Oh, and for those of you who don't know what an anacondom is, it is an anaconda wearing a condom around its tail. And now for the winner, Ninja Bunny you may do the honors."

"Why thank you, Anko. Okay then, first we'll review Sasuke's performance," Ninja Bunny spoke. "Sasuke, you were fortunate enough to find an anacondom. However, what you did to it was not considered making out. As a matter of fact what we viewed on the hidden camera was rather disturbing. I'm sorry, but you did not provide you team with a win. You may step back now." Sasuke stepped back and the Ninja Bunny continued. "Ino, you made out with everything you could see. But unfortunately you did not find an anacondom. I'm sorry, but you have not won this task for your team. You may step back now." Ino stepped back as whorishly as possible. "And now all that remains are you two, Gaara and Shikamaru. Both of you successfully completed the task, but one of you finished before the other. Gaara, you successfully made out with an anacondom. Shikamaru, you made out with Ino, which in our book counts as an anocondom. But only one of you can win the task for your team. And the winner is-" Ninja Bunny stopped for an ultra cool dramatic pause- "Gaara! Shikamaru, you may now step back. That means that the Lovers team as eight points, the Freaks team has eleven points, and the Perverts Team has eight points. Tomorrow we shall meet here in the same place at the same time to announce the winner of the second task, which is now posted on your message board."

Afterwards, Sasuke was interviewed. However, he wouldn't say exactly what he was doing to the anacodom. We asked Sakura, whom was known to spy on him, but she made no comment. However, she did tell us that she _thought_ Sasuke was still a virgin. And with that the interview ended, so Gaara was interviewed. And through this interview we discovered that every single morning he makes out with his pet anaconda and puts a condom on it because he said quote "My pet anaconda is very horny." Unquote and end of interview.

Suddenly the doors sprung open and two figures walked in. It was him. The crazy man who Sakura, nor Lee, had wished they would never meet up with again.

It was the judge. And his cow.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!" Lee screamed as youthfully as possible.

"What the fuck! Not you again!" Sakura yelled. "And please stop sucking your cow!"

"God! Can't a guy ever just suck his damn cow in peace!" the judge hollered back.

"Oh, we weren't expecting you to be here until at least two more days, Mr. Judge, and I see you've brought your cow," Ninja Bunny spoke. "Well, you can just pick an empty room and stay there till we need you."

And with that the judge walked into the nearest empty room and continued to vigorously suck his pet cow.

And with that the three groups left to go look at their message boards. Once Asuma, Kakashi, Naruto, Shikamaru, and Neji reached the message board the senseis' jaws dropped. It read:

Have the sensei(s) in the group teach the students sex ed. The team who is explained the most about this subject shall be the winner rather than the team that is explained in the least amount of time.

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Meanwhile, the freaks were already being taught.

"Okay, my youthful students!" Gai exclaimed. "All you need to know about sex is that it involves a man and/or a woman, and that is all!"

"So then, what exactly is making out?" Sasuke asked.

"Making out is petting something on the head and singing to it," Gai replied.

"So I really did make out with the anacondom!" Sasuke yelled. "Those damn judges don't know a thing! Thank you Gai sensei! You're soooooooooo cooool!" And with that Sasuke found a new idol kinda like Orochimaru…except there was no eye shadow…and Gai wore underwear…most of the time…

"That's NOT making out!" Lee said matter-of-factly. "Making out is rubbing a peacock's feather against someone's skin or sleeping in the same bed as someone with a peacock in between you and the other person!"

"No way!" Gaara exclaimed. "You have to be the most intelligent person in the world, Lee!"

"Yeah!" Kankuro replied. "You're the best, Lee! You must be the smartest person in the world!"

"But I saw my mommy make out with the neighbor and it involved her putting her mouth all the way around the guy's head, bite it off, and vigorously chew on it…" Shino spoke, but was unheard.

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A/N: I'm so sorry that this chapter is so short. Really, I am. I just was busy all week so I had hardly any free time. Anyway, I hope you liked the chapter. Please review and continue to read! You too, read-n-review!


	19. Sex Ed Part II

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers Written by: Crack God 

**A/N: I'm so sorry for not updating in over a year. I still don't have internet, you see. **

Recap:

"_Making out is petting something on the head and singing to it," Gai replied._

"_So I really did make out with the anacondom!" Sasuke yelled. "Those damn judges don't know a thing! Thank you Gai sensei! You're soooooooooo cooool!" And with that Sasuke found a new idol kinda like Orochimaru…except there was no eye shadow…and Gai wore underwear…most of the time…_

"_That's NOT making out!" Lee said matter-of-factly. "Making out is rubbing a peacock's feather against someone's skin or sleeping in the same bed as someone with a peacock in between you and the other person!"_

"_No way!" Gaara exclaimed. "You have to be the most intelligent person in the world, Lee!"_

"_Yeah!" Kankuro replied. "You're the best, Lee! You must be the smartest person in the world!"_

"_But I saw my mommy make out with the neighbor and it involved her putting her mouth all the way around the guy's head, bite it off, and vigorously chew on it…" Shino spoke, but was unheard._

Chapter Nineteen (Chapter 19) (only 50 more chapters to go! There t'will be 69 for obvious reasons!)

Chapter Title: Task Two- Sex Ed; Part II

"Okay girls, and Choji, you should all know that I am a big fan of what is called 'hands on' learning," Kurenai announced to her sex ed class. "Sakura, Tenten, Temari, please restrain Choji for me. We shall use him to study male anatomy."

The three girls obeyed with devilish looks in their eyes. Tenten used her handcuffs (the ones she used in foreplay with Neji) on the boy, who was whimpering. Sakura then used her super strength and hauled the glutton upon one of those metal tables found in veterinary clinics used to elevate dogs, cats, and the such. Temari, with the help of a rather horny Ino, then tore of his clothes and bound him down with duct tape.

"Now class, this is a penis," Kurenai announced, pointing down between Choji's legs. Awaiting some sort of giggle, the teacher did not receive anything to her content and decided herself to actually look at the naked boy.

Nothing was there, except fat.

"Hmm, well umm, let me do a little digging around and see if I can find it," Kurenai spoke, poking Choji's pelvic region with a ruler. "Ahh, here, I've found it… oh, wait it's just another roll of fat… Ino, you've had sex with him, right? Could you please assist me in finding it?"

"It's between the eighth and ninth rolls of fat, Lady Kurenai," Ino replied. It was something that she knew all too well.

"Thanks, Ino," the teacher said in response. "Six, seven, eight, ahh, here it is. Gather round, girls."

Kurenai pointed, then grabbed, the boy's penis. "Now, let me show you girls what it looks like erect…" She then proceeded to give Choji a hand job.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The sight's blinding me!" Neji screamed in terror.

"What, what's going on Neji?" Kakashi hurried. "Speak to me."

"Kurenai, she's, she's giving Choji a hand job!" Neji exclaimed with disgust, deactivating his byakugan, which he had been using to spy on the Lovers group in hope of seeing hot lesbian sex.

Naruto, Kakashi, Asuma, Shikamaru, and Neji were all crowded in the teens' room's bathroom, which was conveniently separated by a wall from Tenten's room.

"You know, you guys could give me some privacy here. I am on the toilet," Shikamaru stated, slightly disturbed. He was still having some… issues…

"Hmm… what are we going to do about teaching these boys about sex ed?" Asuma asked his silver haired friend, completely ignoring Shikamaru.

"Well, we could download some nice internet porn and the teach them how to masturbate," Kakashi suggested. "But then that would be kinda weird."

"Kakashi sensei, what does masturbate mean?" Naruto asked inquisitively.

"It's when a guy, with no life or girlfriend, relieves his 'tension'," Kakashi answered in a sing-song fashion.

"So--, the kind of person that would masturbate… would be like me?" Naruto spoke.

"Exactly," Kakashi replied in a peachy tone. "After all, you are the only one here who doesn't have a girlfriend."

"Wait, no I'm not," Naruto said.

"Sad, sad, little Naruto," Kakashi spoke. "Asuma and Kurenai are going out. Neji's hooked up with Tenten, and Shikamaru and Temari have an increasingly strong 'mental' connection. And, as for me, well Sakura and I haven't reached last base yet, but we've still been together for a couple of months."

For a minute Naruto's brain could not compute with Kakashi's last statement. But soon enough he realized what had just been said and agonizingly screamed out.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Now that Sasuke fully understood what making out is (well, not really) he was determined to use his new knowledge upon his pink haired teammate. But he needed some… equipment first.

His first stop was Kakashi's room. Needless to say, it was empty. Next was Asuma's room, also barren of life. But once he opened the door to Naruto's, Neji's, and Shikamaru's room, he could hear the ending of Naruto's long screech.

Heading towards the source of the noise, he soon discovered that he had walked into the bathroom. There he saw Shikamaru having some difficulties on the toilet, but ignored it and went up to talk to his rightful sensei.

"Umm, hey, Kakashi, can I have some heat seeking binoculars to stalk Sakura with?" Sasuke asked rather bluntly.

The masked ninja turned around, having just noticed Sasuke's presence.

"Oh, look who comes running back to his old sensei now, hmm?" Kakashi spoke as if trying to hide that Sasuke's abandonment had somehow hurt him. "Gai sensei not all that great now, is he?"

"Oh, no," Sasuke replied. "Gai sensei is awesome. He bought me ice cream and we went to the movies and he tucks me into bed every night."

"Okay then," Naruto said, more than slightly creeped out by the thought of what the heck was going on.

"And, on top of that Gai sensei gave me the power of youth!" Sasuke exclaimed. "And tomorrow he promised to give me my very own navy blue jumpsuit!"

"Oh, God," Kakashi muttered. "Gai's unnatural youthful shit is rubbing off on my student. It won't be long before he's turned into the new Lee!"

"Gai is even going to buy me a new pony!" Sasuke exclaimed.

"LEAVE NOW!!!" Kakashi sensei ordered. "You are no longer any student of mine. SCRAM ALREADY!!!"

"But what about those heat seeking binoculars?" Sasuke asked.

"Right now, **I** am Sakura's boyfriend, so get OUT!" Kakashi barked.

Sasuke obediently ran away with his tail between his legs. Not knowing where else to get heat seeking binoculars, he left to go play the Candy Land board game with Gai, Lee, Gaara, Shino, and Kankuro. Kiba and Akamaru were too busy doing something else to play.

"Okay, class, the next thing we will be learning about is how to properly stalk a guy that you want to rape," Kurenai announced. "There are a couple things you have to remember when doing so. One – make sure the sex is hot and as rough as possible. And two – if the cops catch you in the act start crying and tell them that you are the one being raped. A good cop will always believe the words of a damsel in distress. Got it?"

"Yes Lady Kurenai," the class replied in unison.

"Good. Now then, the first one of you to successfully rape the guy of your choice gets to win a feast with yours truly," Kurenai said. "Good luck! And remember, you must bring back the guy so that I can see."

The girls stampeded out of the room, al searching for one of the guys. They all forgot to release Choji, which Kurenai did soon afterwards. To her surprise, the boy stampeded outside the room as well, looking for someone to rape.

After turning several corners, Choji saw his target.

To Sasuke's surprise, a fat and naked Choji was running straight at him. Preparing to be body slammed, Sasuke was in for something quite different. Inches before colliding into the Uchiha, Choji halted and began whispering to Freaks group member. "If you let me pretend to rape you I'll get you anything you want," Choji said and started explaining the situation.

Sasuke, who had noticed how Choji used the word 'pretend', considered the circumstances and replied. "I want heat seeking binoculars."

"Oh, that's an easy one," Choji replied. "The judge that just came into the mansion has a ton of those. Just ask him for a pair."

"Hmm… Very interesting…" Sasuke pondered. "What room is he in?"

"Room 13 on the 13th floor, right next to the Movie Theater," Choji answered.

"Yeah, thanks Choji," Sasuke said.

"Don't thank me just yet," the glutton spoke. He then hauled Sasuke up on his shoulder and carried all the way back to Kurenai. When Choji was starting to get an erection, the Uchiha was completely freaked out. He would've yelled out for Gai sensei to come and save him, but his mouth was currently taped close.

"Kurenai!" Choji yelled, catching the woman's attention. "Watch me rape Sasuke!"

"Get the hell off Sasuke!" Asuma's voice yelled.

The fatty stopped humping the Uchiha and actually took a look in the room. Kurenai and Asuma were, key word being WERE, having sex in the corner. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Asuma interrogated his squad member.

"It's not what it looks like, Asuma sensei," Choji cried out. "Kurenai told all of the Lovers group that the first one of us to rape a guy would get a feast."

"Yeah, well I was talking to the girls, you damn retard!" Kurenai screeched. "What in hell were you thinking?"

"Kurenai, it's not his fault. All he cares about is food. Technically, both Sasuke and Choji are still virgins, so no harm was done," Asuma said.

"Yeah, well about that…" Kurenai said, remembering what she had done when teaching the girls sex ed. To her luck, the noise of someone puking in the closet distracted her boyfriend, and instead started something else.

Kurenai wrapped the bed sheets around her and opened the closet door. Inside was the rest of the Perverts group. Neji had just puked and now was desperately trying to cover his eyes with his hands to stop from seeing the Sasuke and Choji scene. Unfortunately for him, he was too disgusted to remember to deactivate his byakugan and could still see through his hands.

"Asuma, what is your group doing in the closet when we were having sex?" Kurenai asked, obviously very pissed off.

"Uh, watching us…" Asuma answered truthfully.

"OUT!" She yelled, pointing at the door. Knowing that he wasn't gonna get something, he did what she told him to do and left without even bothering to put on his clothes.

Kakashi, Neji, Naruto, and Shikamaru followed Asuma and the five left and went back to their teaching room.

"Umm, Asuma, since it doesn't seem like you have a girlfriend anymore, do you think you could teach me to masturbate now?" Naruto asked with hope in his voice.

"Fine," Asuma agreed. "I'm going to have to do it anyway…

Just then, Akamaru came running into the room and went into the closet. There, he began eating Neji's puke with much joy.

Orochimaru gave a sigh of relief. We was currently in the wall of the closet. _Thank heavenssssssss. Sasuke still has his virginity… I can still be the one to steal it from him._

After relieving his 'tension', Naruto decided that had it had been a long day and went to bed at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. Shikamaru, however resumed his usual place on the toilet and Neji disappeared into a broom closet with Tenten.

Sasuke silently stepped into the elevator that was conveniently placed in his shower. He clicked the little button labeled 'Thirteenth Floor' and managed to control himself through five minutes of old elevator music.

When the thirteenth floor was reached and the elevator door opened the young Uchiha stepped out. He went down a narrow hallway. The hanging lights flickered on and off as Sasuke got closer to the end of the corridor. There were many windows in the hallway, but they all had been painted black from both the inside and outside with fresh paint. No light would ever shine through them again. Sasuke continued his voyage down the bleak path, passing the empty Movie Theater. Suddenly, the wide screen projection TV turned on itself. The music from a dark song played on the piano echoed throughout the halls. Sasuke stopped in his tracks. He knew he had heard that song before. And he knew it wasn't a good sign. The ominous music continued, growing louder, louder, louder! Then, right before the climax of the song, the piano halted in telling its story. Sasuke listened carefully, hoping with all hope that what he had just heard in his head was just his imagination on steroids. But it wasn't. The piano started playing again, faster than before, much faster. In mere seconds, the black haired boy's heart was beating just as fast. He felt sick, ready to vomit any moment, any second. The torment grabbed his eyes and forced him to silently cry. He summoned every ounce of his remaining courage and forced himself to walk back and step into the dreaded Movie Theater.

A vampire movie was playing on the giant screen. And then, in the fifth row of seats, Sasuke saw a sight that was much, much more horrifying that what he could ever imagine. Blood trickled down the steps. How Sasuke despised that crimson liquid, how he hated that it was the sign that everything near and dear to him would be taken away.

Kakashi sensei was dead, his head crushed open, and hanging upside down from the ceiling. Below his mutilated body was Itachi, having sex with Sakura.

**A/N: Yep. That's the end of the chapter. Now, I bet half of you readers are probably wondering if Kakashi's really dead or not. I won't tell. Or rather I can't, but it's all the same thing, isn't it? With some luck I'll be able to post the next chapter of this within a week. (Not having internet really does suck, ya know? Oh wait, you don't because YOU do!) Anyway, I am praying that you liked this new chapter. If you wish to tell me the story's great, or if you wish to tell me it sucks, please do so by reviewing. After all, an author can't see how well he (or she, but I am a he so that's why I said he. Deeply sorry if I offended anybody by it, but I seriously doubt I did) is doing if his readers don't review and let him (once again, or her) know. Thanks literally a ton for reading and please review and continue to read the updates. **

Oh, here's a random thing you probably didn't remember: In chapter 16 it said that the mansion had only five floors. Sasuke must have a magical elevator in his shower, hmm?


	20. Watermelon

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers 

Written by: Crack God

A/N: Yay! Another update! No more recaps! Too lazy. I'll try to update daily now, so chapters will be short. Disclaimer: Don't own it 

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Chapter Twenty Watermelon 

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Tears ran down Sasuke's face, and he started to whimper.

"It- Itachi!" he yelled, loudly. "Why must you take everything from me! Everything!" He then ran out of the mini movie theater, sobbing hysterically.

With two puffs of feathers (pink feathers) the Kakashi hanging upside down disappeared and Itachi turned into Kakashi sensei.

"Umm…" Sakura started. "Maybe we should only do really kinky sex scenes _behind __**locked**_ doors from now on."

"Sure," Kakashi replied. "I think we went a little overboard this time." He then walked over and barricaded the doors shut with a broom, and walked back to finish things with his girlfriend.

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Sasuke ran into a random broom closet to escape the torment and too be alone. Unluckily, or very luckily, for him, someone else was in with him. Sucking their pet cow.

The judge immediately stopped getting his precious milk and looked up at Sasuke with delight.

"What do you want to buy?" he spoke, voice filled with a creepy desire.

Sasuke looked up and pissed his pants. The judge moved a curtain, revealing a store of priceless goodies.

"I'll take the heat seeking binoculars, the tracking collars, and the pair of Pikachu panties," Sasuke announced with much, much glee. "Choji told me I could get this stuff for free."

"Ah, so you're a friend of Choji's," the judge acknowledged. "Here, take just take it." He handed Sasuke the items. "Choji was the one who gave me the location for my store, you see."

Sasuke cheerfully took the items and left. He shoved them in his still wet pants and left down back to the main floor. Today was a good day, a very good day. He would put the tracking collar on Sakura when she was asleep. He'd watch her all day the next day. And he would enjoy every second of it.

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Night fell and Sasuke put his grand plan into effect. He crept in to Sakura's room, careful to open the door. He walked over to her bed, where she was sleeping. He could not see her face in the shadows, but he could smell her. He caressed he smooth neck with much joy, and then put the collar around it. A choking noise emitted from the sleeping girl, but he just ignored this. Sasuke walked back to the door.

POP!!!!!! Sakura's head exploded into a watery goodness, waking up the other girl currently in the room.

Ino jumped out of bed, completely naked and screaming in horror.

"You bastard!" the whore screeched. "Why'd you kill Choji!"

Sasuke glanced over at the bed, realizing his grave mistake.

"No wonder the collar didn't fit," he pondered out loud. "Hn. That watermelon looks tasty." He walked over to a piece of Choji's head and stuffed it into his mouth. "Hey, this is some really juicy watermelon. Ino, you gotta try some of this."

Ino, not one to argue on an empty stomach, walked over and ate some of the watermelon. "Hmm," she spoke. "It would appear that he ate so much food that his skull turned into a delicious, crunchy watermelon." Her logic made perfect sense to the Uchiha.

"And meaty," Sasuke added. "You can't forget that."

Suddenly all of the girls from the neighboring rooms came in through the open door.

"What happened?" Sakura asked. "I heard you screaming Ino."

"Oh, nothing that bad," Ino replied. "Sasuke decided to drop by and give us all watermelon. Isn't he so nice?" She picked up another piece of watermelon and handed it to the pink haired girl. "Want some?"

Sakura snatched the juicy fruit from Ino and ate it herself. While the rest of the girls fought over the remaining watermelon, Sasuke took the opportunity to sneak up behind Sakura and put another tracking collar around her neck. The feasting the lasted the rest off the night.

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Anko stared at the lovers group in disbelief. It was one morning, and the announcement of the winning team was about to take place. Ino, Sakura, Tenten, Kurenai, Hinata, and Temari all looked fifty pounds heavier and were covered with pieces of sticky watermelon.

"And where exactly his Choji?" Anko asked.

"He's still sleeping, ma'am," Kurenai answered. "He got really drunk last night and we didn't want him to puke all over the floor here."

"Good answer," Anko replied. "Anyway, it's time to announce the winning team. Ninja Bunny, you may do the honors."

"Well, with this new piece of information that Kurenai just gave us, it is obvious who is the winner," Ninja Bunny spoke. "She got her group drunk, which means that she was obviously teaching her students that being drunk can lower your inabitions and lead you in having unplanned sexually activity. Therefore, Kurenai is the winner."

Kurenai just stood there, hoping that no one would ever find out about her lie.

"That leaves the points as follows: The Lovers team has won, raising their points to nine. The other two teams lost, lowering their point totals by two. This gives the Perverts group six points, and the Freaks groups nine points. That means that the Lovers and Freaks groups are tied for first place."

"What's the next task going to be, sir?" Ino said, ending her sentence with a rather long burp.

"Well, seeing as the Lovers group got ridiculously fat, I'm changing it," Ninja Bunny replied. "The third task will be to see which team can lose the most weight. Audios." He then got off and flew away.

"Okay Shikamaru," Kakashi whispered in his group member's ear. "You're going to have to take as many laxatives as you can afford."

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**A/N: I really don't have that much to say. **

**Please review to tell me if it was awesome or if it sucked. I really can't tell anymore. **


	21. Kurenai, The Dictator

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers 

Written by: Crack God

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

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Chapter Twenty-One 

**Kurenai, The Dictator **

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Shikamaru glanced over his shoulder. To his relief, no one was there. He took a few steps forward, opened a door, and entered Sasuke's room. He tip-toed into the bathroom, making sure no one could hear him. He took a step up and was in Sasuke's shower. He looked around for a red button. He found it directly below the showerhead and pressed it. Then, the elevator took him up to the thirteenth floor.

He walked down the narrow hallway and knocked on a broom closet's door.

"You may enter," an eerie voice replied.

Shikamaru obeyed, closing the door behind him. Before him was the judge, his cow somehow fitting inside beside him. A white curtain was pulled back, revealing horizontal shelves filled with an assortment of items, ranging from drugs to Pikachu panties. The lazy ninja looked up and down these shelves until he found the item that he was so desperately searching for, the item that was essential to winning the next task.

Laxatives.

"How many laxatives can I buy with fifty bucks?" Shikamaru asked.

"All of them," the judge replied. "Fork over the dough."

Shikamaru paid the man his life savings of fifty dollars and scooped up all of the laxatives in his arms. "Thanks," he replied. "You really don't know how much I need these."

"Pleasure doing business with you," the judge spoke. "Come back anytime. I have anything you'll ever need."

Shikamaru nodded his head in appreciation and went outside of the cramped broom closet. He went back to the elevator and took the elevator back down.

But this time the shower wasn't empty. In fact, there were two in it before Shikamaru had joined them.

"Kakashi sensei, we really need to find a better place to do shit than in Sasuke's shower," Sakura whined. "It's the only one with elevator access."

"Hmm," Kakashi pondered. "How about on one of the breakfast tables then?"

"Works for me," Sakura replied. The two lovers (not as in the Lovers group) then wrapped towels around their naked bodies and left Shikamaru all by his little lonesome self.

Shikamaru stared at Sasuke's toilet, and then at the laxatives he held in his arms. "I guess this is a good place to start…" he mumbled aloud. He then proceeded to take care of business, without even bothering to close the door.

The weight-loss competition had begun.

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"You know, you really do need to lose some wait," Kakashi commented to his girlfriend.

"I do not!" Sakura protested, stuffing another three cookies into her mouth.

Kakashi wore a look of disgust on his face. "I'm sorry, but we're going to have to stop seeing each other until you slim down some. Gaining fifty pounds in one night is not healthy."

"I'll have you know that it is perfectly healthy," Sakura said matter-of-factly. "Wait, hold on. I need to catch my breath."

Kakashi stopped and waited for Sakura. The two of them had walked only ten steps.

"Huh, huh, huh, huh," Sakura heaved. She then proceeded to cough and choke on her own vomit.

"I'm sorry, but you need to get healthy. Now," Kakashi said. He then walked away from Sakura, knowing that she had no chance of catching up.

"KAKASHI! WAIT!" Sakura screamed. She then ran as fast as she could, but then stopped after taking 4.78 steps for another cookie break. She continued this pattern for about twenty minutes until she realized that there was no way that she could catch up to Kakashi.

Once she had eaten all of her cookies, she then started munching on the tomato-flavored carpet of Sasuke's room. It was good.

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"Okay, girls," Kurenai announced at eleven o'clock that morning. "All of us need to lose some serious weight. I don't like the idea of being tied in first place with the Freaks group. I mean, they are all a bunch of freaks. So, starting now we are going to go outside and hike around the island until morning. You are not aloud to eat or drink anything. Not even water. We're going to win this task, even if it kills half of you in the process. Got it?"

"Yes ma'am!" Tenten, Ino, Hinata, Temari, and Sakura shouted back while saluting. "All hail the evil dictator! All hail! Kurenai has given us a second chance of life and we must obey. If we are not obedient, then may a bolt of lightning come down and strike us now."

Hinata took this time after the chant as an opportunity to shove a doughnut into her fat cheeks. Just then, a bolt of lightning came down through the ceiling and fried the pleasantly plump girl, drying up most of the water in her body.

"Everyone, look at Hinata," Kurenai ordered. Her group obeyed in fear. "She just lost twenty pounds of water weight. Water can account for more than half of your body weight. That is why I am not allowing you to drink any of it. Okay?"

"Yes ma'am!" Tenten, Ino, Hinata (still on the ground), Temari, and Sakura shouted back while saluting. "All hail the evil dictator! All hail! Kurenai has given us a second chance of life and we must obey. If we are not obedient, then may a heard of water buffalo come and stomp us now."

Hinata glanced around and put a cookie to her lips. Suddenly, the wall to the left shattered and a heard of stampeding buffalo (In single file) came and stomped on just Hinata, careful to avoid hitting anyone else. After about 5,000 hooves had trodden on the poor girl, the water buffalo left and went back outside, still in the single filed line.

To this, Kurenai had nothing to say.

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Lee, Gai, Kankuro, Kiba, Akamaru, and Sasuke all stared at the other two members of their group. Gaara would refuse to take off the gourd on his back that weighed over one hundred pounds and could make or break their chances of winning the task. Shino, on the other hand, was crammed full of bugs that could come out.

Gai sensei stared at the two hauntingly. Finally, he opened his mouth and spoke, "Everyone, I have reached a decision. Kiba, grab Shino's left leg. Kankuro, take his left. Shake him upside down until every one of his bugs is outside of his body.

Kiba and Kankuro obeyed their new idol. Together, they grabbed Shino by the ankles and held him upside down. Then they started to shake the bug boy. Shino's sunglasses fell off, revealing that his eyes were swarming with bugs.

Soon the bugs that fell from the boy covered the entire floor in a moving, crawling black blanket. Sasuke's eye's widened in fear. He quickly climbed the walls, trying to get away from the swarm, trying to forget that horrible, horrible day when he was only five years old.

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Flashback

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Sasuke was outside, bathing in the warm waters of the Uchiha Hot Springs. Itachi, being the prankster that he was, put several cockroaches in his little brother's unoccupied underwear. When the little Uchiha got out, he put his clothes back on. At first, there was this annoying itchiness in his pants, but soon something bit his most sensitive area. He then spent the next month in the hospital trying to reverse the damage that had been done.

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End Flashback

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Soon the bugs piled up so much that they reached Gai sensei's thighs. Kiba and Kankuro continued shaking, and the bugs continued to spill out.

Sasuke, his fear ever-growing, climbed higher up the walls and onto the ceiling. He then crawled upside-down out of the room, but hit his head on the door in the process and fell. His landing squished several hundred thousand bugs to death.

"My precious! You killed my precious!" Shino hissed and tried to break free from Kiba and Kankuro's grip, but was unable to do so. By now his head was in the swarm and he was about to suffocate.

"Hey, wait a second?" Kiba asked. "Where's Akamaru?"

Meanwhile, in the corner of the room, Akamaru was being raped by a thousand bugs at once.

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End of Chapter Special

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The Kool-Aid man pleasantly sipped his tea, sitting by the fireplace. read-n-review was astonished. He had just stolen Crack God's house and wasn't letting him update.

Crash! A shattering of glass announced the r-n-r's entrance into the house… via broken window.

And then the squirrels came through the opening. And they wanted Kool Aid. But first they wanted to have a pool party. So they followed r-n-r to the Kool Aid man and used him as a pool. They then got wild and the girl squirrels took off their bikini tops.

After all the crackiness was over, the squirrels drank all of the Kool-Aid man's kool aid and that is how the squirrels saved Crack God.

(mini a/n: No, I am not proud of myself)

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**A/N: Review. **


	22. ByeBye, Buggy Boy!

**Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers**

Written by: Crack God

**Disclaimer: I don't own…. Blah blah… You've heard it before…**

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**Chapter Twenty-Two Bye-bye, Buggy Boy!**

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"Ino!" Kurenai yelled. "Run faster! And stop trying to drink the salt water!" Ino, who was at the shore trying to glug down the ocean, gave a skeptical look at Kurenai. The girls had been outside for three hours of nothing but running, and Ino felt like taking a break. 

Kurenai had already lost forty-five of her fifty recently gained pounds (from eating watermelon). She had claimed this was because she was a 'hard worker', but all the girls knew that she paid a surgeon to suck off all of her fat.

A shark swam up in the shallows of the water near Ino.

"What exactly constitutes as weight loss?" Ino asked her elder.

"To what extent?" Kurenai asked, puzzled.

"If a shark bites off a piece of my stomach, then I'll directly lose that weight, right?" Ino questioned.

"…Sure," Kurenai hesitantly replied.

Ino was free! She jumped into the water and swam towards the shark. The shark, however, was terrified of the ball of fat swimming towards itself, and tried to swim away. Ino, however, grabbed the creature's tail, making it impossible to move any further.

"Bite me, you bitch!" Ino screamed. "Bite me and make it rough!"

After the shark refused to bite the blonde, Ino got very hungry. She glanced over at Kurenai, who was busy hounding on Temari.

"Stop flying on top of your fan!" The Dictator yelled. "Walk on your own damn two legs."

Ino took this opportunity to swallow the shark in one giant mouthful. When she came out of the water and rejoined Kurenai, she looked oddly deformed.

"Err, Ino, why to you have a dorsal fin sticking out of your back?" Hinata asked with much concern.

With that, Ino proceeded to growing gills and then repeatedly saying 'Water! I need water!'. Kurenai's response to this was the same as before. And when Ino's leg's disappeared, she was forced to drag her new blue stomach across the beach.

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Shikamaru stood upon his own personal weight scale. He was now eighty-three pounds, and his weight seemed to be decreasing as he just stood there.

"That's not enough, Shikamaru," Kakashi said with a hint of disappointment. "You've only lost forty-eight pounds. You're going to have to shit off some more."

They were both in Sasuke's bathroom.

"And why do I have to be the only one to take laxatives?" Shikamaru asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Because you're the only one who's worried about showing off your girlish figure," Kakashi replied with ease.

"True," Shikamaru agreed. He then proceeded to scarf down another laxative with much joy, and then took his usual place on the toilet.

Meanwhile, Naruto and Neji were lazily stuffing whole pizzas into their mouths. _They_ didn't have to worry about gaining weight because they had very high metabolisms.

Asuma, however, found that smoking twenty packs of cigarettes a day helped him stay slim.

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Gai sensei opened a window and soon trillions of bugs flew out of it. 'Twas the quickest way to clean his room.

Akamaru ran over to the window with a sad look and puppy dog eyes. He would miss his new buggy friends very much. He then cried and became an emo doggy. He found Gai's shaving razor and used it to cut his paws.

By now it was 8 o'clock at night. And Gaara was sleeping on the floor.

"Aww, Gai sensei, come and look at the cutesy wutesy Gaara take a nappy-poo!" Sasuke screeched in joy. He then stroked Gaara's gourd.

"Quickly! Replace his gourd with this much lighter Styrofoam replica," Gai exclaimed. He pulled out the Styrofoam replica from inside his closet.

Kankuro snuck up behind his little brother and quietly slid the gourd off of Gaara's back. Gai then replaced it with the replica. The only difference between the two was that the replica was filled with multi-colored body glitter. (It was Gai's personal collection.)

"Hey, where'd Shino go?" Kiba asked.

After much searching, Shino's jacket, pants, and a pair of Pikachu panties were found. The panties were believed to belong to Lee, seeing as he snatched them from Kiba's hands and then ran into the closet.

"Umm… I think we killed Shino," Kiba spoke. "I think he's _made_ of bugs. Literally."

"So…?" Gai said. He didn't care about Shino at all. He wasn't fun to play with at all.

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**A/N: … review?**


	23. Kakashi's Proposal

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers 

Written by: Crack God

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Chapter Twenty-Three 

**Kakashi's Proposal **

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The morning sun finally revealed itself after a very long night. The lovers team had stayed up all night to lose the weight they had gained from the night they had eaten watermelon. Choji was still missing, but Tenten was currently fixing that problem. She found a broomstick and stuck a pumpkin at the end of it. Now, she was drawing Choji's face on the orange sphere with a black permanent marker. For a final touch, she put Ino's lace thong on 'Choji's' head.

Tenten, however, needed one final touch: to turn the fake Choji into a puppet. And there was only one puppet master in the house.

-Knock, knock, knock-

After much wandering around the mansion, finding a cookie on the ground, and resisting the sudden urge to eat it, Tenten softly rapped on Kankuro's door. A loud shuffling noise could be heard, including the sound of a pant zipper going up. Soon, however, the kitty boy answered the door, opening it only enough so that Tenten couldn't see inside.

"Yes?" he replied slowly, having no idea who Tenten was.

"Teach me how to make and use puppets," the kunoichi replied slyly, "or I'll make sure everyone in the mansion gets to see _these._" She pulled out a think yellow envelope from behind her back.

"And… what exactly… are they?" Kankuro replied hesitantly. He really did have a pretty good idea of what they were.

Tenten opened the envelope and began flipping through a stack of photographs. One was of him trying on Temari's make up, another of him sleeping in the same bed as Gaara, and the last one was the worst of all: Kankuro dancing to 'Firgilicious' while singing along in his underwear. His _whitey tighties_.

"What exactly do you want from me?" Kankuro asked. "And how the hell did you get these?"

"Lee gave them to me. He's been spying on you this whole time," Tenten replied with a big smile on her face. "You see, I'm bribing him with something else. And no, you don't want to know the details."

"…Come on in," Kankuro ever so graciously allowed Tenten to enter. Now it was apparent why he didn't want her to see the inside of his room. 'My Little Ponies' were everywhere. Upon seeing the newcomer, they hid under Kankuro's bed, however.

Tenten ignored as Sugar, Chocolate, and Cherry disappeared. Kankuro opened his closet and began throwing out playboy magazines until he found a very dusty black book that had various bloodstains upon its pages.

"Sugar, go get my wire box," Kankuro ordered one of his three henchmen. "It should be there under my bed…"

Sugar obeyed and dropped a yellow box by Kankuro's feet.

"Do you have anything started yet?" the kitty boy asked Tenten.

In a matter of seconds, Tenten shoved her broomstick and pumpkin head in Kankuro's arms.

With the help of Sugar, Chocolate, and Cherry, Kankuro got the job done in five minutes. He then thrust the book into Tenten's hand.

"It's finished. Here's the instruction manual," he spoke, giving her the stained book.

Tenten looked at Kankuro's work. Choji now had two plastic arms, two new log legs… and had two enormous breasts made via balloons.

"He's perfect," Tenten announced, and smuggled the puppet down the halls back to her own room.

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The Freaks, Perverts, and Lovers group walked towards the place where the results for the weight loss competition would be announced. One person was missing from the Freaks team, and another from the Perverts

"Umm… where's Shikamaru and Shino?" Ninja Bunny asked. By now he was used to asking questions. A lot of them.

"Shikamaru will be joining us shortly," Asuma answered. "He has some… issues to be taken care of."

"And Shino?"

"He's dead," Gai replied.

"Okay then," Ninja Bunny said, not the least bit concerned. "Let's weigh you guys in."

"Umm, one question, please," Neji asked. "How do you know our weights from before."

"I had Lee stalk you all in your sleep to find out," the sixth Hokage casually replied. "Now let's get into the weigh-ins. I would have Anko call out your names, but she seems to be in the bathroom, so I'll do the honors."

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-Knock, knock, knock-

Anko knocked on the already open door to Sasuke's bathroom. She then just walked in.

Shikamaru was pulling his pants up, which were now much to big to fit around his waist, so they kept on falling down.

"Ya, know," Anko sexily said. "Teenage boys have a lot of _stuff_ pent up. Do you wanna get it all out now?"

The two then proceeded to have sex until Shikamaru didn't have any sperm left. And, as it turned out, the weight of his sperm had been the only thing keeping him on the ground. So he then began floating on air.

So then, he started floating down the stairs to reach the meeting place.

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"Hinata, please step on the scale," Ninja Bunny said. Magically, a scale had appeared right next to the Hokage.

The once-again perfectly slender Hinata went up and took a step on the scale. She now weighed 123.1 pounds.

"Congratulations, Hinata, you've lost fifty-one pounds," Ninja Bunny announced. "Tenten, please step on the scale."

Hinata got off of the scale and was replaced with the weapons kunoichi. After standing for a few seconds, the scale confirmed her weight to be 119 pounds.

"Congratulations," Ninja Bunny said. "With this, the Lovers group has lost a grand total of 103 pounds. Kurenai, it is your turn."

Tenten joined the rest of the girls and Kurenai to her place on the scale. She was now 132 pounds.

"The Lovers team has now lost a total of 153 pounds. Does any one have a chance at beating them?" Ninja Bunny asked dramatically. "Sakura, it's your turn."

Sakura walked up and stood on the scale. She was now 122 pounds. "Take that Kakashi!" she exclaimed. "I'm NOT fat! In your face!"

"I'm so sorry I doubted you, honey," Kakashi sloppily apologized. He ran up to the scale to give his girlfriend a hug. After a long one, he then bent down on his knee and pulled something out of his pocket.

"Sakura, will you marry me?"

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**A/N: Thanks for reading. Please review. **


	24. Happy Easter, Little Boys and Girls!

Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers

Written by: Crack God

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters. Do the ninja bunny dance! Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey, hey!

Chapter Twenty-Four

Happy Easter, Little Boys and Girls

* * *

Sakura's eyes widened in pure joy.

"Of course I'll marry you, Kaka-sensei!" she answered.

"Thank you so much! This is the best day of my life!" Kakashi exclaimed.

"…Where's my ring, dammit," Sakura angrily asked, her teeth clenched and fist rising.

"Ring?" Kakashi said, blinking, as he was obviously confused.

"DaRLinGSsszSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"

An epic crazy scream echoed throughout the halls.

"WheRE ARE yoU My BaBIes!!"

Ka-rack!

The ceiling above burst open and a very naked Shino (still wearing his sunglasses) fell through the opening. He hit the floor and began rolling sideways, over and over and over again.

"DarLIngS!" Shino shrieked. "My BuGs! Where ArT tHou!"

Suddenly, from the shadows of the corner, Orochimaru appeared, licking his lips. This is exactly what he had dreamed of for his entire life. He took a step forward. Then another. And another.

Everyone stared at Orochimaru. How had he gotten there?

"Good day, Orochimaru," Kurenai said. "Lovely weather, isn't it?"

"… Give me… the… dog," Orochimaru ordered. "Give me Akamaru now."

By now it was apparent that he had not been staring at Shino, but rather the ball of fur that was being crushed underneath the boy.

"Why do you want Akamaru?" Kiba asked, not bothering to save his little doggy from his crazy psycho teammate.

"Isn't it obvious?" Orochimaru spoke. "That dog… He has the perfect body! I've been searching for years and years and now I've finally found a vessel worthy of me. Within Akamaru's body, I shall finally be complete. No one will be able to stop me, no one! Mwahaahaahhahahaha!"

Kiba looked at his whining puppy and then at Orochimaru. "Sure. You can have him," Kiba spoke.

He walked over to Shino, kicked him out the nearest window, and picked up his little puppy. He then walked over to Orochimaru and held out his dog for him to take.

"…Really? I can have him just like that?" Orochimaru asked, confused, because he was expecting that at the very least he would have to steal the doggy. "You do realize that with his body, I'll be unstoppable and will destroy all of Konoha, right?"

"So? Does it look like we're in Konoha at the moment?" Ninja Bunny, the sixth Hokage, asked. "It's not like it would affect us."

Orochimaru tilted his head like a confused schoolgirl. The Hokage was letting him destroy the village. "So you're sure that I can have the dog?"

Akamaru shifted his head to look at his master, his partner, his Kiba. Tears poured out of his eyes. The doggy didn't want to be killed and made into Orochimaru's new body. He didn't want to die.

"Just take him," Kiba said. "I don't want him anymore. He took a shit on my bed."

Lee's eyes suddenly darted back at forth. "Hey, what are you guys looking at me for? Huh?" he said with much paranoia. "Fine, alright! I took the shit on Kiba's bed! Big whoopdy-doo!"

Everyone gave Lee a what-the-fuck-did-you-just-say? kind of look.

Orochimaru took this opportunity to snatch Akamaru away from Kiba's outstretched hands. He then took the opportunity to jump out the window. His plan had been successful. Soon, he would be unstoppable.

Lee was soon sent flying after him, via a kick in the head from Kiba.

Gai sensei then willingly followed, jumping out of the window as well.

"You know what?" Ninja Bunny spoke. "Let's just wrap things up here. The Lovers team obviously wins this challenge."

"Wait!" a super squeaky voice… squeaked. Literally floating down the stairs was Shikamaru. He had taken so many laxatives that he was lighter than air.

Soon the boy flew over the weigh-in scale. Asuma walked over and pressed the on button.

Everyone waited for the scale to compute a number. And it did.

Shikamaru weighed negative four hundred thirty-seven pounds.

Gasping could be heard across the room. The boy with an IQ of 200 had done the impossible. He was lighter than nothing.

"… Okay, I'm too lazy to do any math right now, so let's just say it was a tie between the Freaks team and the Lovers team," Ninja Bunny announced. "That means that Lovers group is in the lead with nine points and the Freaks and Perverts groups are tied in last with six points each.

"And now, it's Easter! So let's all go outside and have an Easter egg hunt for the next competition. The hunt will last three hours. At the end, the group with the most eggs wins. Begin!"

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"Hey, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto exclaimed. "I found this giant swirly orange Easter egg but I can't get it out of the ground! Could you lend me a hand?"

"Sure," the silver haired ninja replied. He walked over and followed Naruto's finger. His eye lead him to an egg-shaped object lying in the grass that was bright orange and had black lines spiraling into a black hole that was towards the left side.

Kakashi and Naruto both bent down ad tried to get a firm grip on the egg.

"On three we lift," Kakashi stated. "One-two-three!"

On cue, the two lifted up with all their strength, pulling out the Easter egg.

"Geez! Don't rip my head off!" a voice exclaimed from the Easter egg. A body in black clothes came flying out of the earth. As it turned out, the giant Easter egg wasn't an Easter egg. It was a certain someone's head.

"Tobi is a gooooooooooood boy, so don't try to kill him by decapitation!"

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**A/N: That's it for now. Happy Easter! Please review. **


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